Temptation Creeps
by ask4more
Summary: Susan is promoted and celebrates with Abby. ff
1. What are friends for?

**Temptation creeps… **

PAIRING: Susan Lewis/Abby Lockhart  
RATING: NC-17, Friendship/Romance  
SPOILERS/CONTINUITY: Set in early Season 11. No major spoilers.

Susan and Chuck are separated and Cosmo doesn't exist (I adore him, but a slash isn't the right place for a kid to be;).  
FEEDBACK: Obviously! Do you love it or it's just lame? Review it ;P  
ARCHIVE: Yes, but ask first.  
SUMMARY: It's a Suby! Susan is promoted and celebrates with Abby.

DISCLAIMERS: ER is the intellectual property of Constant C Productions, Amblin Entertainment, and Warner Brothers Television.

I make no profit of this, just having some fun, so don't sue me!

**Chapter 1- What are friends for?**

You haven't seen her in a while. She's been busy with this promotion thing, spending more time in administration and she only came back yesterday from Maui. Looks great, you think. She's tanned, her hair is shorter and she's lost some weight too. And looks happy, that big grin of hers shining as she talks to Weaver by the admit desk. You greet her.

"Hey, welcome back!"

She turns around, smiles and hugs you "Hey, how are you?"

You want to chat a little more, but Weaver's already yelling. "Your attention please!! Please, let me introduce you your new chief of Emergency Medicine: Dr. Susan Lewis!"

Everyone cheers and congratulates her. She's beaming. You're happy for her, she deserves it, more than anyone.

"SPEECH! SPEECH!" Jerry and Malik instigate.

"Thank you everyone! Let's see if you're that happy when I'll start bossing you around!" everyone laughs. "Well, what can I say? I'm flattered and honored to accept this position and I want to thank you all, we are a team, a family and that's the way I want it to continue. Drinks at Shaw's at 8, my treat!"

The whole ER staff cheers and applauds. She rolls her eyes at you and asks "Time for coffee?"

"Sure".

In the lounge, she pours you a cup of coffee while looking at you "Are you ok? You're quiet…"

"Just tired, really… been pulling a lot of doubles lately."

She jokes "I thought it was consequence of girls' club partying!"

"Nah, girls' club not the same when you're not around…".

She smiles at you.

"So how was Maui?"

"Fan-tas-tic!! It was long since I had time with Susie, she's _so_ big and so smart! Says she wants to be a doctor!", Susan smiles proudly. She's obviously in awe of that child.

"Aw, that's cute! You look great by the way, nice tan!"

"Thanks! Looks good now, you should have seen me in my first two days… Oh, I almost forgot, I got you something!" she says heading towards her locker.

"Oh, Susan you didn't have to…", you start.

She shoves her head inside the locker, waves her hand at you "Oh, shut up! There…".

You open the small package, it's a bracelet with inscriptions in some foreign language… "It's beautiful… Thank you". You don't know why but you feel all shy.

She notices and just shrugs "Apparently the local tribes used them to celebrate happiness and love, or something… I thought it had good vibes so…".

You nod "I really like it, thanks… So how does it feel to be the boss?" you ask casually while trying on your new bracelet.

"Great! I've started here, you know, it's very special to me to get that position. I just wish Mark was here…" she stops abruptly, you can hear a knot on her throat when she speaks.

"It's okay to miss him" you say clutching her hand "We all do". Even after all these years.

"Yeah… he would probably be chief of staff by now…" she muses.

Both your beepers go off, double MVA, ETA: 1 minute. You leave the lounge and run towards the ambulance bay.

* * *

You stop at your place before going to Shaw's just to shower quickly and change. You're tired, not really in the mood for partying (and everyone's gonna be drinking), but she's a good friend and surely it's going to be fun. You're wearing jeans, heels and a black shirt- nothing too fancy, but different from the bloody scrubs you were wearing earlier. You decide to add your new bracelet and you're ready to go.

When you arrive, everyone's already there. You spot Luka, Sam, Lydia, Chuny and Malik and you join them. "Wow, you look fine, girl!" Chuny laughs. Everyone nods, you just stammer "Oh, I just threw something on…" but something catches your attention…

You look at the dance floor and you see Carter and Susan dancing like crazy to "Twist and shout", everyone finds it hilarious, for some reason you don't get.

Haleh asks Lydia "Oh, do you remember?!".

Lydia nods, laughing "Sure, Carol joined them too!".

When the song ends Carter and Susan hug each other and then he tells her something and she laughs hysterically- she's already tipsy, but hey, it's her day! She waves at you, almost spilling her Manhattan and calls out "Abbyyy!"

"I thought you'd stood me up" she says, leaning to you, her hair brushing your cheek.

"I just went home to shower…", you reply.

She narrows her eyes at you "You look hot! Anyone I know?" she giggles.

"Yeah, Frank" you deadpan.

She laughs out loud and then tries to regain her composure "Hey look, Kerry came, I'm going to say hello, alright?".

"Sure" you nod. You go to the bar to get a soda and you light a cigarette. You look at the staff: they all look so relaxed, happy.

Apart from Luka and Sam who are obviously having an argument… You see Kerry and Susan talking, Carter joining them and handing Kerry a vodka. Some moron's trying to pick you up, you don't even look at him, just get your drink and join your friends.

It's late and the party's over. Susan's completely drunk now, she's flirting with some guy who doesn't mind her state if it means he can get her to bed. You grab her by the arm against her protests "Oh, come on Abby, I was just having fun! He was cuuute…", she says right to your face. Her breath smells sweet from the cocktails.

"You're gonna be hung over on your first day as chief, Susan…", you say as you try to conduct her to the parking lot, her arm around your shoulder.

"I have Compazine at home…" she slurs to your ear, making you feel ticklish.

"That's not the point… I was not going to let you go home with that guy" you say trying to open the car's passenger door and holding Susan at the same time.

You tell her to fasten her seatbelt, surprisingly she does.

She's looking at you "You should smile more" she tells you while you wait impatiently for the lights to change.

You give her your trademark lopsided grin and make a left turn to her street.

"I'm sorry I'm so wasted" she sighs, hiding her face with her hands.

"It's okay, just don't throw up in the car", you say patting her knee.

"It's not that bad", she mutters and places her hand on top of yours. She looks at you. You don't know why but it rattles you. You break the moment "We're here", you say, parking your car in front of her apartment.

In the elevator you have to hold her, she throws her arms around your neck, leans her head on your shoulder "Thanks for taking care of me". You try not to notice the feeling of her breath on your neck.

You are hugging her in the elevator, _I just hope no one comes in_.

But the truth is that you're loving to feel her so close to you. She has that effect on people, she's comforting, soothing. And you're loving the smell of her perfume.

The door opens, you're on her floor. You take her keys from her purse and switch the lights on. She still has some luggage on the hall. "Come on Susan, let's take a shower".

She's a little steadier on her feet, but you still offer your hand for support. In the bathroom you turn on the cold water tap of the shower. It's cruel but she needs to sober up. You try to help her out of her clothes, but she protests "I can do it!".

You let her undress and you can't help looking at her, noticing her curves…

_Nice breasts_. You mentally scold yourself for thinking about your friend like that. But watching the water steaming down her body is turning you on. You think about leaving but before you move she grabs you by the arm and pulls you inside the shower box, laughing like a naughty kid.

"Oh, damn it Susan! Look what you've done…", you shriek as you feel the cold water on you. But you soon surrender and you're both laughing like crazy. Your clothes are clinging to you so you start undressing.

She's quietly watching you, her eyes dark with… _lust_?

No, Susan's not into women. So aren't you and you've been checking her out the whole day. When you look at her again she comes closer and kisses you tenderly on the lips. Your heart stops. _Fuck_.

Kissing her is strange but feels great. She has nice lips and she's a good kisser, you can tell.

You try to break the kiss "Susan, we shouldn't be doing this…". You don't really mean it but you know it's the wisest.

"This what?" she whispers, her eyelids fluttering slightly.

"This… kiss…", you say unconvincingly, looking at her mouth.

"Why not?" she says, kissing you again, now with her right hand cupping your cheek.

"Because it's wrong" you say before kissing her back.

"But feels so right…" she whispers in your ear, before nibbling at your earlobe, teasing you, making it _very_ difficult for you to think.

Your hands are caressing her back, she's kissing your neck, licking your collarbone, you feel the heat growing between your legs. _My God, I'm getting so wet._

Now that she sobered up, you both seem drunk with lust. Moans and groans echo in the bathroom. You back her against the tiles, run your hands up her torso, cup her breasts. The way she looks at you excites you. You lower you head and taste her breasts. You let a hand travel down her stomach and when you touch her, very lightly, she shudders and you draw deeper her breast.

_She's so soft_. You look up and she pleads you "Oh, Abby…Don't do this to me" she's begging you right now, "I need to… please…".

She's completely under your control and you have to admit you're liking this. You travel with your mouth up her chest, suck slowly at the base of her neck. "You need to what?" you ask, with the only purpose to tease her even more.

"Oh, God, make me come Abby" listening to Susan saying those words in her husky tone almost makes you come yourself. _This is crazy, what the hell am I doing?_

You flick her clitoris with your fingers while kissing her hungrily, your tongue tasting her. She scrapes your tongue with her teeth, that action draws a surprise moan from your throat. She tightens her hold on you when you let your fingers slip inside her slowly.

Susan kisses your chin, your mouth but you can feel her weakening. She lays her face on your shoulder, her arms bringing you closer. She doesn't move, just breaths faster and faster. The feeling of her erect nipples rubbing against you is almost too much.

You open your eyes, you want to see her come. _She's beautiful_. She leans her head against the tiles, eyes half-closed, lips apart, whispering your name "oh, Abby…".

You fasten your ministrations trying not to come straight away with the view, you feel her body jerk and she groans so loud that someone might hear her. You don't care, you don't fucking care, you just kiss her again and again, until you're both out of breath and shivering cold.

You curl up in her bed, she passed out. You're a little disappointed, you're so horny, but you're loving the feeling of her arms around you. You snuggle close to her and sleep peacefully for the first time in a very long time.


	2. Realization

**Chapter 2: Realization **

You open your eyes just to check the time and instead of your alarm clock you see Abby sleeping right next to you.

Your legs are enlaced with hers and she has an arm across your waist. You remember last night events. The party, the drinks, the great sex in the shower. _Holy shit_.

Your head feels very heavy but don't bother getting up, it's still early. Instead, you watch her sleep, discovering all the little freckles on her face and shoulder. Your fingers stroke her arm almost imperceptibly, enjoying the softness of her skin.

You know she'll probably bolt out when she wakes up. You run your hand through her silky hair, very lightly, not wanting to wake her. She stirs anyway.

Abby stretches her limbs under the sheet, her leg rubs between yours and you let out a small gasp, thus making her open her eyes. She looks at you quietly, like a trapped animal. You can see she's mortified so you try to break the mood,

"Hey, good morning…" you smile at her.

"Morning" she answers removing her arm from across you.

"Did you sleep well?" you ask, not willing to let the silence become deafening.

"Yeah, it was okay" she says, never making eye contact, pulling back from you, pulling up the sheets.

You prop yourself in your elbow, "Abby, about last night…".

She looks at you "I know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let it happen. You were drunk and I don't know what I was thinking…".

"No… it's ok. I… enjoyed it" you say watching her reaction, hoping she doesn't get mad.

She stares at you with those dark eyes, you can see all the questions popping in her mind.

"I have never done something like that, but I don't regret it… I enjoyed it…". Your voice creaks giving away your anxiety.

"You've already said that", Abby mumbles.

"That's because I mean it".

You both stay silent for a while and you can't stop looking at her lips. She's pouting the way she always does but this morning it's really turning you on.

So you kiss her.

At first she doesn't react but when she kisses you back, you come close, your nakedness covering her body.

Her hands roam all over your back "Susan… This is crazy…", she whispers. You keep on kissing her and you touch her breasts properly for the first time. They're smaller than yours and you love to feel them in your palms.

You look at her, her eyes are shut, she's moaning very low, almost scared to make noise.

She generally has this tough attitude at work, but here she couldn't be more vulnerable and you find it adorable

When you gently bite her nipple she gives you real feedback for the first time "Oh Susan! Don't stop…". She enmeshes her hands on your hair, bringing you closer to her.

You don't have any intentions to stop, you remind yourself that she's probably waiting for this since yesterday, so you want to make it memorable.

You caress her stomach, her hip, her thigh… and when you get there she's so wet and warm that you almost come. It's an amazing feeling, feels so intimate. She watches you stroking her with heavy-lidded eyes and tentatively you bring your fingers to your mouth, licking them, tasting her for the first time.

Her chest rises and falls and her cheeks are flushed. She's shaking with desire and you smile at her before returning to her body, your tongue drawing circles around her navel. "Spread your legs…", you call out gently.

You keep on kissing her belly, looking up at her smiling teasingly and when you lower yourself between her legs she jerks violently "Ooh, fuck… Oh, damn it….. Susan, stop!".

Obviously you don't. You grasp her hips to keep her in place and you proceed on licking her slowly, enjoying this much more than you thought you would.

_I hope I'm getting this right_…

She doesn't seem to notice your lack of experience and that fuels your confidence. You lick her at a faster pace, take her clit between your lips and play with it with the tip of tongue. "Susan…", she jerks her hips up and you try to keep her still, stroke her inner thighs while you run her sex with the flat of your tongue, sucking more closely at her clitoris this time.

"Aah… God!" she explodes, her body spasming, almost knocking you off the bed. You feel very proud of your skills and you decide to lick her clean. Just for fun this time.

She purrs low in her chest as you eat her out and she orgasms again, less intensely though. You see her skin getting goosebumps, she's sweating and shaking.

"Are you okay?" you ask when you're back face to face with her.

She kisses you so wildly, closing her legs around your waist. She rubs all that moist against you on purpose and her tongue touches your lips and invades your mouth. You suddenly start to feel very, very hot. And that's it.

Abby made you come just by kissing you. No stroking, no nothing, just kissing you. She notices and breaks the kiss, raises a brow at you, surprised "You… came?"

"Huh, yeah…" you nod mildly embarrassed.

"Just from…?", she nods her head at you.

"Don't sell yourself short… You're very sexy… I couldn't hold it any longer", you confess huskily.

She smiles at you and you rest your head on her chest, listening to her heart calming down.

She caresses your hair "And now?".

You stroke her side "Now I have to rest just for a moment, but in a minute…".

She giggles "Susan!... You know, at work? God, I'm so confused, this is so strange…", she sighs.

You look up at her "I know. I'm not sure what this is about, but I'm willing to try if you want to…".

She goes serious "I'm not a lesbian, Susan."

"Well, you're here aren't you?", you reply.

She looks at you for a moment and then gets up abruptly, bolts out searching for her clothes.

_Fuck_. "Abby, that's not what I meant! I'm not gay either but something just happened between us, you can't ignore it!", you call out.

You go to the bathroom where she's already putting on her shirt "Look Susan, let's just pretend this never happened".

"I don't want to pretend!" you say looking her in the eye but she looks away.

"I'll see you at work" she bolts past you and you hear her closing the door.

Your head is now heavier than before. This isn't going to be an easy day.

* * *

You go to the damn meeting thinking about her. You have to talk to her, you know she's not very talkative, but you have to communicate. Above all you value her friendship.

When you came back to Chicago, most of the people you were close to at the hospital were gone- Doug and Carol, or were gone just after you got there- Mark. That left you with Carter. You got closer, even dated him and then you broke up with him so he could be with Abby.

And strangely, you and her, got really close. It started with weekly partying with Deb and the rest of the girls but soon you felt a really strong connection.

It's like you want to protect her. From others, but mostly from her darker self.

You're always talking like a blabbermouth, telling jokes, never letting the others see when you're depressed or sad; she's the opposite, hardly talks about how she feels. At least that's what she was like before, now you feel she really trusts you and she enjoys it, like it's some kind of therapy. You don't want to lose that.

Kerry gives you some extra documentation and the key to your office.

You pause and look at the door, there's a sign "Susan Lewis, MD- Chief of Emergency Medicine".

The office's not very big, feels cosy. You're definitely going to redecorate it, though.

In the ER, things are crazy like always. As soon as you get there, Randi dumps a ton of charts in front of you "Dr. Lewis, this is for you. Welcome to administration!".

You go help Luka in a trauma and when things calm down you see her suturing some drunk guy. She has her back to the door, you stay there for a while, thinking about how to approach her.

"Stretch it more, the stitches won't revert as much" is the best you can come up with.

Her head shoots up, but she doesn't turn around "Thanks for the tip", she says dryly.

"I've been wanting to talk to you…", you say softly.

"I'm busy" she answers coldly.

"Ok, let's do this when you're available!" you say, sounding more annoyed than you wanted to show

She's facing you now, you turn around and go back to work.

* * *

A few days have passed and though things are still weird between you two, you're both more at ease in each other's presence.

Still, some awkward moments happen.

Like today in trauma 1. You look up and she's staring at you from the other side of the gurney. You look at her for a second and suddenly the monitors are beeping away and Conni and Lydia call you "Dr Lewis?".

"Huh, yeah, I'm sorry… I got it! Abby, clamp!".

You can see she's startled too, but gives you the clamp.

The patient's stable now, you smile at her. Lydia's looking at you both, chart in the air "Dr. Lewis? Consent…".

"Sure! There you go!" you say smiling at the blonde nurse while you scribble down your name.

"Nice save" Abby says, while you're both cleaning up.

"You were great".

"Not really, I was distracted…" she says quietly.

Jerry's head pops in "Dr Lewis, you asked me to remember you: it's almost 2".

"Oh, thanks Jerry!" you tear off your gloves and you try to rip your protection unsuccessfully.

"There… let me help you" Abby's behind you, untying the knot.

You feel her breath on your neck. You turn around, you're very close, she's looking at your mouth.

It takes all of your restraint to not give in to your urges. Wouldn't look very good for the chief to be caught making out with an intern inside a trauma room.

"Uh, I'll see you around…".

"Sure", her voice sounds deeper than usual.

At the end of the day you see in her in the lounge having coffee. "Hey, what time are you off?".

She looks at her watch "Uh, in two hours…".

Abby's by the table and you approach her "So… I was thinking, if you want to we could do something later… watch a movie or something?".

"Uh, I have plans… sorry", she shrugs her shoulders apologetically.

You try not to look disappointed and smile back at her "Oh, it's okay! I was just going home, so I thought… well, it's okay… See you tomorrow, then!"

"Bye".

You go home feeling sad, you didn't want things to be like that… There's this new-found chemistry- well, it probably was always there, you just never realized it…- but what bothers you is losing her friendship, the closeness.

You get home, take a shower.

Chuck calls. It's been a while since you've seen him, he asks if he can come over. You know what you're agreeing to.

It's not that you don't care about him, you like him, at lot, but you two are so different. He's genuinely a nice guy, he's funny and caring and he loves you. He tells you so every time you're together and it hurts that you can't be fully happy with him.

You don't feel like being alone tonight and it's always nice to be in his arms.


	3. Too late

**Chapter 3- Too late**

You lied to her, you don't have any plans. You're just too scared of what might happen if you were alone with her again.

On your way back home, you notice every guy in the street trying to reassure yourself that you still like men. And you do. Luka looked as good as ever, today. Nothing changed just because you slept with her. But the problem is that, for you, everything changed.

You can't stop thinking of her mouth around you, pleasuring you the way she did the other day, the way she stroked your hair while smiling at you and how unkind you've been to her the whole day. You've been pushing her back, because you're scared of what you're feeling, of what you want to do to her. It's like this new world opened up to you the moment she kissed you, that night on the shower. But you can't act on it, you two have to work together and you're friends, for god's sake!

Friends don't do that to each other. You don't want to kiss Neela, it's just her… you want her. You park in the same spot as always. You want to tell her that you're sorry, that you want to be friends again.

_Yeah, right!_

You're on her front door and you knock once so lightly, she will never hear it. You take a deep breath and knock again, harder this time. You hope she opens the door, maybe she's angry.

The door opens and a shirtless Chuck is looking at you surprised "Hey, Abby! How are you? Come on in…".

You feel ridiculous, standing on her doorway "Uh, I'll come in another time, I'm sorry".

"Oh, come on in, me and Suz ordered some pizza, I thought you were the guy" Chuck says opening the door for you.

Susan appears. She looks very flushed, her hair is all messed up. She's readjusting her gown and she stops on her tracks when she sees you.

"Abby? I didn't know you were coming… I…" she looks embarrassed.

"I should have called, it's ok, I'll see you tomorrow…" you want to leave as quickly as possible. _Oh please, just let me get out of here_.

Chuck goes to the kitchen, Susan comes closer "You said you had plans and he called…".

You stop her "You don't have to explain, I should've have called… I'm sorry to interrupt" you say, harshly.

You can't help noticing the mark she has on her neck, it's red and swelling. You just wish you had done it to her, not Chuck. You're feeling angered, jealous that she slept with him.

"Abby, please come in, we have to talk" she pleads you, hissing.

"You want to discuss this with him? Well, I'm sure he won't mind a threesome", you scoff.

"I'll tell him to go, but please come on in", she looks at you with sad eyes.

"It's not necessary, have fun", you say and leave as fast as you can.

You sit inside your car for a moment, trying to calm yourself. Your hands are sweaty, your heart is pounding faster than usual. You take a deep breath and go home.

_I'm such a dumbass._

You hate yourself for showing her your frustration and even more for crying.


	4. Talking it out

**Chapter 4- Talking it out**

You never had much spare time since you came back to Chicago, but now it's getting ridiculous. It's been days since you spoke to her. Well, to be honest, you don't talk since that day she went to your place and Chuck had to be there.

Now, you rarely have time to practice real medicine, let alone socialize with your co-workers. You've had trouble sleeping, which means you had time to do your paperwork so, this week, you'll be able to hang out a bit more in the ER. You miss it more than you thought you would. You went to med school to be a doctor, not to be doing paperwork all day! But this job gives you, finally, some financial security and well, let's not fool ourselves: doctors always want to climb to the next level. You're an intern, you want to be a resident, then an attending, after that chief of department and finally get Tenure.

You're particularly on your game today. You've seen more patients than everyone else, haven't lost any patients today. You diagnose right on time what's going on with Luka's patient in Trauma 2, while helping Carter in Trauma 1 to stabilize a multiple GSW- you two always worked well together.

"It's nice to have you around!" he says sincerely.

"That's what we all ER docs pine for: a good ol' bloody trauma…" things are under control so you ask him "Hey, wanna grab a bite at Magoo's?".

You choose the booth you always do. Carter looks tired. Not tired like after-a-shift-tired, he now has this permanent weariness in him. You've been meaning to talk to him, but with what had been happening lately…

"So… how are you?" you ask quietly, not wanting to scare him off.

"Huh… I'm fine…" he looks surprised that you asked.

"Carter… I've been wanting to talk to you. Since the… since Kem went away, you've been a little distant…". He looks agitated so you readjust your words "what I wanted to say is that if you want to talk, I'm here. I miss talking to you, you know, we're the only ones left from the old gang".

He smiles weakly "well, I miss her. I've been thinking about going after her, you know?... I don't know if she wants that" he stops.

"Carter, believe me, every girl dreams of a guy going after her! If that's what it takes to be happy, go for it! I'll miss you though…" you smile at him

"Well, we'll see… And what about you? Still in marital bliss with Chuck?" he teases.

"We're not together anymore. I don't know, it's complicated… it just started the wrong way I guess…", you shrug.

"Yeah, some people like to date first before they marry" he's chuckling now, you want to look angry, but you're happy to see him a little more relaxed.

"So, is there anyone else?" he asks.

"What do you mean?!" you didn't want to sound so suspicious, so nervous. You know he understood something was going on. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_.

"Hey, relax, I was just asking! But after a reaction like that I have to believe something pretty steamy is happening…", he wiggles his brow at you.

You're now nervously looking at him, you've been wanting to talk this out with someone, but with Carter? It's weird, he dated both Abby and you. You don't have many friends left at County, so…

"It's… something weird happened a few weeks ago. I've been confused, not knowing how to react, what to do. It's one of those situations when you have no idea of what you're doing because it's all so new" You feel yourself relaxing a little.

"Huh… he's married?" Carter looks confused too.

"No! it's not that… it's… I don't want to talk about it", you shake your head.

"Then why did you bring this up? What's going on, Susan?", he insists.

"It's… I don't know Carter… I… slept with a… woman". There, you said it.

He's looking at you wide-eyed, really surprised.

"Wow! I never thought you…" he mutters quietly.

You don't know what to say, but you feel better now that you've talked about this.

"Is it why you never wanted to sleep with me when we were together?" he asks sheepishly.

"Carter! No! I'm not a lesbian, if that's what you mean… it just happened…".

"Well, I'm just asking, I mean you never wanted…".

You cut him off "It's not that I didn't want to sleep with you, it's just that we were both into other people, it didn't feel right… If you were just any other guy… We've known each other for a long time, I like you a lot, it wouldn't be fair…" It's true, you don't want him to feel rejected, or anything.

"Yeah, maybe you're right… But I'm really curious now… who is it? Anyone I know?", he says all excited like a little kid.

"Carter… I'm not saying" you try not to look him in the eye.

"Oh, my God!! It's Weaver!! You slept with Kerry?!" he's laughing loudly now.

"Shut up, Carter!!" You look around assuring yourself that no one heard him.

"It's not Kerry, it's not someone from the hospital". You're not glad to be lying, but you don't want to expose Abby, she would never forgive you.

His pager starts beeping, saving you from his questions.

"It's the ER… You're _so_ going to give me details later…", he chuckles at you.

"Yeah, keep on dreaming!", you deadpan.

He puts on his coat "You're not coming?".

"They didn't page me!", you smile, fluttering your eyelashes in a silly way.

After you finish your coffee and go back to the hospital. You check the board, the charts, trying to find an interesting case. Nothing very interesting, so you pick the good old "bounce-back migraine" when Kerry Weaver stops you.

"Susan! I was looking for you…". After all these years her voice still gets on your nerves.

"Kerry, I was on my break…", you start elaborating and excuse but she interrupts you.

"It's ok, it's just there's something I need to discuss with you, do you have a moment?".

"Sure… Huh, Neela? Curtain 2" you say giving her the chart.

Kerry leads you to the lounge "Before you ask, it's good news".

"Oh, really?" You're relieved, you were thinking she was going to complain about your administration.

"As you know, the Emergency Medicine National Congress is in a few weeks…".

"Yeah, in LA, I wouldn't mind…" you laugh.

"Oh… Well, that's great! I was going to invite you to go with me" she smiles at you.

"Really? Well, thanks I would love to…", you nod.

"But I can't make it… I don't want to leave Henry here for a week…", she smiles.

Wow, that is something you never thought you would see: Kerry Weaver putting work in second place! You smile at her "I understand".

"So… just think of who you want to go with you and let me know by the end of the day, so I can arrange things, ok?".

"I can bring someone with me?", you ask a little too excited.

"Uh, yeah. Someone from the department, I mean…" she looks confused.

You nod "Yes, sure… Uh, I'll let you know then…".

As Kerry leaves the lounge, you think of how to approach her. Of course, she's the only person you're thinking about.

_I hope she says yes_.


	5. High on her kisses

**Chapter 5- High on her kisses**

You're in the drug lock-up when Susan enters and closes the door behind her.

"Hi…" she greets you with that big smile of hers that lights a room.

"Hey… back in the trenches again?" you smile back at her.

"Yeah… Well, actually I have an invitation for you…" she comes closer.

_Those eyes_… You feel tension building up in the small lock-up. She's looking at your lips. You don't know what to do… you hear your heart pounding in your ears, your hands are getting sweaty.

She clears her throat "Huh, as you may know the ER national conference is in LA, in a few weeks… I'm going. And I was thinking if you wanted to come along, it would be a great opportunity for you… All the best doctors will be there, should be fun… Maybe we can go to the beach!".

Now there's an image you don't need right now.

You caress her cheek tenderly, her skin is so warm… She closes her eyes and when she opens them you see in her all you're feeling: desire, fear, lust.

You kiss her. At first tentatively, then more intensely, you hold her face in your hands not wanting to let her go.

_Stop it, Abby. Stop it_.

"We can't…" she says against your mouth.

You can help noticing her chest rising up faster than usual, she looks flushed.

"I know" you whisper.

She leans her forehead against yours "Come with me, Abby".

"I will", you whisper back, your hand stroking her back.

She smiles at you so sweetly "Great". She hugs you before leaving.

You lean your back against the cabinets, close your eyes. You can still feel her perfume in the air.

"What are you doing in here?". You open you eyes and see Luka frowning at you.

"Huh, nothing…", you fidget, going back to what you were doing before she came in.

"Are you ok?" he asks, looking concerned.

"Sure, I'm great…". And you _do _feel great, still high on her kisses.

"You seem distracted these days…", he diagnoses.

"I'm fine" you smirk at him and go find a chart.

She's at the nurse's station, you stay still for a moment, just observing her.

"Come on Morris, impress me!". God… You love her when she's all bossy.

She notices and gives you a discreet smile, continuing to give orders until all the residents have a chart.

You come close and she gives you the last one "head lac?".

"Why not? I love suturing…" you fake a moan and look at her when your hands brush accidentally.

"Do you want to do something tonight?" she asks when no one's around.

"And what do you have in mind?" you ask her, jokingly.

"Huh… I don't know, I've bought some new DVDs, we could watch one…".

"I'll be there!", you wink at her and go to the suture room.

You feel so good now that you've stopped pushing her back. More relaxed. You don't know what will happen tonight- well, you have an idea…- but you've decided that you're going to do what you really want for a change.

You're tired of always being miserable, lonely and bitter.

You never had a friend that made you laugh so much as her and that didn't need to be "fixed". She's such a lovely person, independent, strong.

If happiness comes in the form of Susan, you're not going to neglect it.


	6. Playing with fire

**Chapter 6- Playing with fire**

It's really ridiculous. You can't decide what to wear. And it's not like it's a date, because it's not, she's only coming over to watch a movie and hang out.

You don't want to look too obvious so you put on your favorite pair of jeans and a green tank top- a reminder of your Arizonian stint.

You pick your favorite silky underwear. _Just in case._ It's not like you're going to have sex, but… You remember what happened earlier in the drug lock-up.

You remember that chemistry-talk you had years ago when you were dating Carter. Ironically, with her you don't need to check: just thinking about it makes you wet.

How amazing is it? Before that night when you were promoted you never thought of her like that. You always thought she was pretty, but that was it.

You always asked yourself how it would feel to be with a woman, but none of the women you knew provoked anything in you to pursue something. You used to think Carol was really beautiful but not never saw her in a sexual way.

But that night with Abby… You felt so aroused, so horny like you hadn't felt in years. The thought of performing oral sex on a woman always grossed you out, to be honest, but when you went down on her, it wasn't repulsive: different, but not bad. _Not bad at all_. And now you can't stop thinking of how she tastes and how hot you get when she kisses you and touches you…

_What the hell is going on with you, Lewis?! Making out with a co-worker in a drug lock-up__! Very sexy but so wrong…_

You remember that time when you caught Luka and that patient's mother (and weeks after he caught you with Chuck…), you don't know what you'd have done if someone caught you with Abby. _Probably die from acute tachycardia._

When checking yourself in the mirror for like the 50th time, she arrives. She looks surprised at you, probably because she's still wearing a scrubs top.

"Wow, you look great… I came straight from work, didn't have a change…" She's taking off her coat, you help her.

"I like scrubs!" you laugh "I'm making some fresh coffee, do you want?".

"Please! I'm so cold, I really need something hot!", you give her a look and she catches herself "erm, I mean coffee".

You smile at her "Let me get you a shirt or something" you go to your room and find a navy blue sweater. It's one of your favourites.

She tries it on and when she lifts her arms you catch a glimpse of her flat stomach. _Mmm, sexy_.

You go to the kitchen get the coffee "Hey, pick a movie!" you tell her while pouring the hot beverage.

That's exactly what she's doing when you're back with two mugs.

You hand her one "It looks nice on you".

"Uh, thanks…" she doesn't look you in the eyes, you know she's nervous.

You don't want that "So, any ideas about the movie?".

"Uh, I've never seen _Magnolia_. I heard it's pretty good…".

"That's a good choice" you smile a her, taking the disk out of the box and putting it in the DVD player.

She sits on the sofa, both hands holding the mug.

You switch off the lights and you sit next to her. Not as close as you wanted to, though.

You don't really pay attention to the movie, you just look at her, she catches you looking a few times.

"What?" she asks softly.

"Nothing… it's just… I can't stop noticing how pretty you are" You come closer.

You can see in her eyes, she's happy to hear that.

You do what you've been wanting to do the whole day and kiss her. For the first time, you kiss her freely, not worried if it's wrong or if someone will come in. Here, you're safe.

She has a hand on your neck, the other on your back. You can tell she's been wanting this as much as you.

She's nibbling at your neck. You love that. _Oh God_…

"You've been on my mind the whole day…", she says between kisses. "It was very cruel of you to leave me in the lock-up like that… _so _turned on…". She continues the assault on your lips leaving you light-headed from the longing.

"I don't know what I would have done if I'd stayed there with you…", you whisper in her ear, while you slip your right hand under her shirt, fondling her flat abdomen. "We'd probably still be in there by now…".

She moans at every touch and word "Oh, Susan…". Abby takes off your top, still kissing you "And that top… you really wanted to tease me…" she stops when she sees your silky bra. "Oh my… You're so beautiful", she whispers almost in awe. You're so enormously turned on by all this.

You remove her shirt and her scrubs top all at once, leaving her hair all messed up. You both chuckle and you run your fingers through her long hair, looking at her.

It's quite a sexy scene, both of you dimly lighted by the tv screen, observing each other. Abby makes the first step and leans onto you, covering your body with hers. You part your legs to get her closer to you, she's tracing your neck with her tongue so seductively. You feel your groin aching with desire… She starts unbuttoning your jeans, now kissing your stomach, biting you gently … You arch your back so she can take them off and she's now contemplating you, caressing your thighs.

She starts kissing you again, now trying to unclasp your bra. when she succeeds you have to laugh at how absorbed she seems with your breasts. She touches them, licks, bites your nipple, that pain reverberating directly in your clit. "Abby… I can't hold any longer…" it's true, you're already shaking with what will come next.

She looks at you for a moment before kissing you again "I've never done this… you'll have to tell me if it's ok…" _She must be kidding, I'm so aroused_…

She peels off your panties and seems surprised with your shaven pubis "_Nice_… Boy, you really planned everything… You naughty girl…" she teases you a little more, caressing you too slowly, watching you undulate around her hand.

She leans down and at first you can see she's really nervous. She touches you lightly with her tongue, but the moan you let out is more than enough to prove her she's doing great.

And she's a fast learner too. She's now really eating you out, you don't know what else to do than moan but you want her to know how good she's doing "Ohh, Abby, you're great… don't stop, please…". She rewards you with a harder lick before coming up for air "You taste good…" she says, smiling. _I think I'm going to die_.

You pull her up for a kiss, a literally very wet kiss. You find it a turn-on to taste yourself in her lips, you're panting now. She easily slides two fingers inside you, you're not expecting it and you bite her lower lip a little more roughly in response and she moans. _Mental note to self: she likes it rough_.

"…more" is all you can say between kisses.

"You want more, Susan? You want my fingers in your pussy? You're a bad, bad girl…" she slurs in your ear, discovering how much you enjoy dirty-talk. Two can play this game "Yes… fuck me hard, Abby…". And so she does.

You're very close to orgasm, you know, but when suddenly she brushes that little place that not many of your lovers have reached you completely lose it and you groan so loud… you scream so loud that you don't recognize yourself and neither does she.

She's still caressing you down there, smirking at you, looking very proud of herself.

After a few minutes of silence, she decides to share what's on her mind "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen" she tells you.

_I could fall in love with you…_

You're glowing and you don't want to leave her all hot and horny like the other time. "No, you are", you reply and you stand up, pulling her up with you. You stay for a moment like this, looking into her eyes before you reach around her to undo her bra. She trembles a little when you first touch her breasts, always looking at her. She closes her eyes, concentrating on what your hands are doing.

You let your lips slide down her chest, her stomach. You help her out of her pants and socks. You take her hand "Come on, let's go to bed".

On the way to your bedroom, you kiss and grope each other like two teenagers. You slip your hand in her panties and she's so wet, it seems impossible after the monster orgasm you just had, but you start feeling your body react to all this...

You lie her in your bed and you start kissing her really madly, biting and sucking at that neck. You can tell she likes it "Fuck Susan… you drive me crazy…". You grab hold of her panties and you pull at them roughly, you end up ripping them off. She kisses you more intensely than before, drawing you closer, so you figure it was a good move. You lie on top of her and you start applying pressure on her sex with your own. You slide up and down, each time faster and stronger until she's almost there and then you stop.

You open a drawer in the nightstand and take a silk scarf. She looks at you intrigued, you smile ominously.

This is probably the sexiest experience of your life. You pin her hands over her head and you tie them on the headboard.

She wasn't expecting this, you can tell. But the way she's looking at you… You come closer again and caress her breasts, play with them until her nipples stand proudly between your fingertips and she's begging you to touch her "This is torture… please fuck me… real hard…", she whispers when you come close to kiss her.

Between kisses, you tease her a little more "You should be careful with what you say…" she bites your tongue, daring you.

You go again to the drawer, this time you take out a 6 inch black vibrator, Abby gasps but stays silent.

"I'm going to make it very wet for you… Although that's not a problem" you say lightly touching her, smearing her wetness. You lick the dildo slowly, eyes locked with hers. She's sweating, trembling in anticipation. You try to take as much of it as you can, making appreciative sounds, just to tease her even more.

"Susan… please…".

You slowly thrust it inside her and when she's comfortable enough, you start pumping it in and out and you see her chest rise and fall, she's tugging on the improvised restraints moaning your name "Susan… oh my… you're so… don't stop it".

You gently bite her lower lip. _I love this mouth_. "Oh, I don't intend to… You're so fucking sexy…".

When you see she's close, you switch on the vibrator and you're surprised by how much she screams, she clenches her teeth trying to fight it but you decide to thrust it harder and faster until she climaxes.

"Oh, Susan, I love you" she mutters, eyes closed.

You're startled by her words. She probably just said it as a compliment, but it's nice to hear, nonetheless.

You untie the knot, massage her wrists, she intertwines her fingers with yours, comes closer to rest her head on your shoulder, hugs you… "That was… amazing. Thank you."

You hold her tighter, kiss her forehead "I'm sorry if I was a bit rough, I was so turned on…".

"You're kidding me? That was beyond hotness… best sex ever…" she blushes.

"Really?" you feel your heart melting "Well, thank you, I guess … Abby, don't run away from me again…".

"I won't" She kisses you so sweetly "And I'm really looking forward to our trip to LA" she nests herself on your shoulder once again.

"Me too…" you pull up the sheets, hold her close to your chest, give her one last kiss.


	7. Addicted to you

**Chapter 7- Addicted to you **

When you wake up, she has her arms around you. You don't move. Lying here, in her arms, watching her sleep feels more intimate than anything else you've done. How surreal is this? How did this happen? You and her, lovers. It's wrong, you think. But, then again, you can't think of anyone else you'd prefer to be cuddled up next to, right now. She's the one who makes you laugh when you're sulking, she's the one who lightens you up when you're cranky, she's the one who can read your moods without you saying anything.

Her face is totally relaxed, her lips slightly parted, she looks angelic. Though last night events proved she's far from that…You're tempted to wake her, but you know she won't be on for a few hours so you get up slowly, go to the living room and you can't help but smile at the trail of clothes and underwear. You dress quickly and scribble a note before leaving.

_Hey …_

_I'm on at 7, already running late… Let's hope my boss falls asleep :)_

_See you at the hospital,_

_Abby xxx_

_PS: Last night was amazing…_

You almost fall asleep on the EL, she really wore you out last night but you would do it again right now if you could. On your way to County, you see Neela, you call out for her "Neela!".

"Good morning!", the younger woman greets you.

"Morning, Neela!" you say, probably smiling too much.

"Had a good night?" she asks suspicious.

"I had a wonderful night". You can't help cracking a smile.

"Oh, you didn't tell me you were seeing someone!".

"Well… I'm not sure if I'm _seeing_ someone…" You're being honest.

"Just sex, no strings attached? That's wise…", she nods, chuckling.

You think before answering. The sex is fantastic. It's actually the best you've ever had so far, but the truth is that you really like Susan, you care about her, and she's your closest friend, no doubt. So you simply say "It's still early days, we'll see".

"And who is it? Anyone I know? Don't tell me it's Luka?!" She's dying to find out.

"Huh, of course it's not Luka! Isn't he with Sam anyway? It's not someone from work…".

When you arrive, the ER looks calm. You go to the lounge, grab your stethoscope and lab coat and make yourself a strong cup of coffee. While you're waiting for your coffee, you can't help but remember last night. You tied up to her bed… Susan sucking that dildo… Then making you come so deliciously… You smile to yourself when you realize you're wearing her shirt.

_It smells like her. Mmm_.

After a few patients, you decide to go see if she's already in her office. You peek through the curtains, she's reading some papers, yawning. You knock at the door and enter after her unenthusiastic "come in". Her face lights up when she sees you "Hey!"

She comes round the desk to plant a peck on your lips "Missed you this morning next to me…".

"Didn't want to wake you" you say wrapping an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to you.

"Wait, let me shut the curtains" she says. "There", she holds you close, both hands around you, her right one on the small of your back. "I think I'm becoming addicted to you", she laughs.

"And that's bad?" you kiss her cheek softly.

"Uh, depends… when I can't have you, it's really bad" she smiles slyly, caressing your ass.

"I can't stop thinking of you and that dildo… That was… I'm a little sore…" you chuckle and kiss her.

She breaks the kiss "Oh god, I'm sorry! I don't know what came through me… You bring out the darker side of me…" she blushes.

You smile "I'm not complaining, I love your _darker side_… It's good pain…".

"It was a Xmas gift from Chloe… If you want, I can have a look…" she says, worried.

"I'm ok! Unless, of course, you want to check on me…" you smile devilishly.

She holds you closer, grinding herself in you "Mmm, I would love that… Wanna stay over tonight?".

"I can't, I'm pulling a double…".

"I could reschedule you…" she kisses you with passion, you don't want her to stop.

"I need the money. What about tomorrow? I'm off", you suggest.

"I'm on the graveyard shift", she moans.

"Well, we'll figure out something. I should go downstairs… aren't you coming?".

"After I sign these charts" she says before kissing you again. Her hands creep up your sides, she strokes your breasts lightly "I love you in my shirt…".

You sigh at her touch "I didn't had time to go home".

"Late last night?" she has her hand under your shirt, playing with your nipple.

"My new lover is insatiable, can't get enough of me" you shrug playfully.

"You bet I can't". She kisses you one last time "Now go to work or we'll both get into trouble", she laughs.

"You're the boss!" You blink at her before leaving her office.

In the elevator, you can't stop smiling stupidly. The nurse right next to you must think you've gone crazy.

"Abby, where the hell were you? We're swamped!" Carter's rolling a gurney to trauma 1.

"Need a hand?" you ask already gowning.

"Get the next one" he answers back.

You go to trauma 2, Corday's already accessing the patient. It's a GSW to the chest, Elizabeth tells you to intubate. You do and after a while he stabilizes.

"Haleh, please call the OR and tell them we're on our way!" Corday orders.

You go to the nurse's station get a new chart. A kid with an arm lac, you're really fed up with lacerations, but you know that the senior residents will leave them to you anyway.

"Hi Benny, I'm Dr. Lockhart, I'm in intern and I'm going to fix you right away" You say while donning gloves.

"What does that mean?" The mother asks.

"Huh, sorry?" you frown.

"You said you were an intern? What does that mean?".

"Oh, it means I've just started my residency" you smile in reassurance.

"Well, I want a doctor with experience. We're talking about my son's arm! I want a plastic surgeon!".

"Mrs…Reagan, I've done this many times and besides it's quite superficial…", you try to calm her.

"Superficial? You should've seen him screaming!! I want another doctor!!", she stands up.

You look towards the door and Susan's there. She comes to the rescue.

"Hello ma'am, I'm Dr. Lewis, chief of Emergency Medicine, what seems to be the problem?", she offers coolly.

"Oh, thank God, a doctor!".

You roll your eyes and bite your tongue. Susan looks at you, you can tell she's amused.

"Well, my Benny cut himself with a kitchen knife!! I told him to never touch them, but he just never listens! It's unbelievable, I turn my back for 30 seconds and when I look there's blood everywhere, horrid!".

_What a drama queen_.

Susan's pretending to be writing something down, you can see a smile in the corner of her lips.

"All right, Benny, can I take a peek at your arm?", she asks softly.

"It hurts…" Benny flinches.

"I know it does, sweetie, but I promise I'm going to make it better, okay?".

She's great with kids.

"Dr. Lockhart, the lidocaine?" You pass her the syringe, she irrigates both sides of the wound.

Benny's trembling but quiet, his mother's all panicky "Oh my God! Don't hurt him!".

"Dr. Lewis is very good with her hands" you say abruptly.

Susan looks at you, you can see innuendo in her eyes.

"Huh, I mean she has gentle hands… she's gentle…" you stammer.

Susan lets out a little chuckle. Lily, who came in to get some supplies, is looking at you like you've gone crazy.

"It won't hurt" you say with a firmer voice.

Susan's finishing up, making small talk with Benny. "You see, Benny? I told you it wouldn't hurt" Susan shakes the woman's hand and signs the chart "You'll just need to keep it dry for a day or so and come back in ten days to remove the stitches, okay?".

"Thank you so much, Dr. Lewis!" the woman's almost worshiping Susan and gives you one last evil look before being escorted out by Lily.

"Some parents are worse then kids!", Susan chuckles.

"Yeah… huh, I'm sorry about that…".

"It's okay, it's always good to brush up the suturing!".

She gives you one of those smiles. "And… I liked your comment about my hands…".

You blush "That was _so _embarrassing! I hope Lily didn't get it…".

"I don't think she did." She lowers her voice "Were you being honest?".

You love it when she's all flirty even if it's inappropriate. "You have very talented hands, Dr Lewis".

She stares at you for a moment, stretches her right hand and enlaces two fingers in your hand, you give her a little squeeze.

"So what are you going to do tonight?" you ask while you both clean up the room.

"Oh, take a very long bath, order some chinese and watch Sex and the City!" she answers enthusiastically.

"Sounds perfect…".

"Won't be, though…" _God… When she says things like that_…

"I shouldn't have volunteered for tonight".

She shakes her head, probably trying to shake some thoughts off "Well, we'll manage some other time", she grabs the chart and turns around again before opening the door "Try to get some sleep, see you tomorrow!".

You watch her leave, knowing that you won't probably see each other tomorrow. It's your day off and you intend to sleep through it- especially after a double- and she's on the graveyard shift.

You miss her already. This feeling of need really scares you. What is this? She's not your girlfriend, is she?

_It's probably __the sex, it's too good. Maybe I'm becoming addicted to it. Maybe we're both needy right now and_…

"Abby?" Carter's in front of you "Are you ok?".

"Huh, yes! I'm great, what about you?" It's stupid but it just came out.

He laughs "Thank you for asking, I'm fine too. Daydreaming huh?".

"A lot on my mind…" you say before leaving the room.

The night shift wasn't that bad, actually. Just a few patients, you even got a few hours sleep. When the morning shift comes in, you go get your coat and finally go home. When you get in, you see your machine's red light.

It's her "_Huh, hi, it's me. I know it doesn't make sense to call you now, you're obviously working…_" You smile at her awkwardness "_But… we need to talk about LA… You have to sign some papers… Well, anyway call me. Miss you…_".

You look at the clock, it's too early to call her. You press the play button again, just to hear her voice again.

_T__hat voice… I love that voice._

In your room, you close the curtains. When you're undressing you realize you're still wearing her shirt. You can still smell her on it.

You keep it.


	8. I feel so much better when you're around

**Chapter 8- I feel so much better when you're around**

"Susan? Do you have a minute?" Kerry asks.

"Sure" you sigh, hoping she's not swamping you even more with documentation and chart reviews.

She leads you to the lounge, gestures you to take a seat. "Here are the tickets, IDs and reservations for the conference" she hands you two brown envelopes.

"Oh, thanks…".

"As you know, you'll have to present the highlights to the rest of the department. And Abby will have to do a paper about one or two interesting presentations…".

"Ok, I'll tell her…" you smile.

"And next year, you're going to present something. You got a few interesting pick-ups…".

"I'm just lazy to do proper research! I did publish some stuff when I was in Phoenix…", you nod.

"I know, I've read them. You're not a bad writer, you should publish for us".

You shouldn't be surprised that she reads everything, but still. "Thank you…".

"Well, have a good time, I'm sure the weather will be better than here" she stands up.

"I'm sure it will be great, thank you for inviting me…".

"You deserve it. I'm off, good night!" You watch her leave, then look at your watch. One more hour to go.

Malik's head peeks in "Dr L., double MVA coming up!".

"Ok, I'll meet you in Trauma 1!".

The paramedics roll in the patient, you lead "Ok, everyone, on my count: 1, 2, 3".

Carter's listening to his chest, suddenly the monitors start beeping.

"Tachycardia!" Chuny yells.

"And vomiting too, I need suction!!" you order.

"50 more of epi!" Carter asks.

"V-fib!" Malik shouts.

"Carter, start compressions!". He nods.

"He's going down, I'm intubating, 7 french please… Ok, I can see the chords… I'm in! Bag him!" You check bilateral resps, but his cardiac activity is still down.

"Carter, let's shock him, start with 100!".

Carter holds the paddles "Clear!".

"200!".

Another shock, the patient's still unresponsive.

"300! Clear!".

The monitor beeps faintly at first "I believe we have his heart back! Good job, Carter!" You smile.

"Thank you, Dr. Lewis. Chuny, let's book an OR…".

After the nurses take the patient, you and Carter head to the lounge.

"That was slick!" he says.

"The perfect way to finish my shift…" you lie on the couch, Carter places your legs over his knees and sits too.

"Lucky you, I've still got three more hours… So… Are you enjoying the new position?" he smiles.

"Apart from the endless meetings and the never ending paperwork hours? Yeah, it's not too bad, I get to boss everyone around…" you chuckle.

"And what about… your _secret_ lover?…" he has that sly smile, trying to look serious.

You look around nervously "Carter! I hope you haven't talked about this with anyone!".

"Of course I haven't, I'm not that stupid, I want details!" he laughs.

You try to kick him playfully, but he's holding your feet together "Come on, spill it, Susan!".

You surrender "Ok, what do you want to know?".

"Are you seeing each other?".

"Uh, occasionally…" Technically it's not a lie, you haven't seen much of her lately.

"Is she pretty?" he asks, interested.

"She's beautiful…" you sigh.

He's laughing now.

"What?" you frown.

"It's… weird. I never thought of you as…" you don't let him finish.

"Don't tell me. I'm so confused, right now… It's strange, I don't find other women that interesting… Guys still do it for me, I just don't get it… I mean, you're still attractive…" his face lightens up.

"You think I'm attractive?" he smiles.

"You know I do, Carter".

"I think you're beautiful, too", he's now serious, still holding your legs.

"Carter…" you start before it gets awkward.

He shakes his head "I know, I know… Better off as friends!". He sighs "It's just…".

"What?" you take away your legs from his lap, you're now sitting next to him.

"Somehow, all my relationships fail. I tend to attract women even more complicated and broken than me… You were an exception, though!".

You smile at him, hold his hand "I'm sure you'll find someone who fits you just right, who will make you happy… I know it sucks to wait, but what can we do?".

He smiles "Yeah, I guess I'm just being a wimp…".

You get up, kiss him on the forehead "Now go to work, Dr. Wimp!".

On your way home, you decide to go to Abby's. She was off today, you haven't been together for days and you miss her.

She looks surprised to see you "Hey, wasn't expecting you…".

You enter "Yeah… Kerry gave me this, it's the tickets and documentation for the conference", you give her the envelope and take off your coat.

She puts the envelope aside, not really interested in its content.

"Come here" she whispers.

She opens her arms and enfolds you tightly. You smell her hair, vanilla.

The adrenalin's pumping through your system, warming you inside. "It's so good to be here", you confess.

You search for her mouth, your lips finally meeting in an intense kiss. She makes a little moaning sound on her throat, you push her against the wall. When you're around her, your hands seem to have a mind of their own. You start fumbling with the buttons of her pants, but she stops you "Uh… I've got my period…".

You sigh against her chest, look up "It's okay… I guess we'll have to wait a few days more" you say, trying to ignore the burning sensation between your legs.

"I'm sorry… I can… if you want" she smiles at you.

"No, that's okay… I'm tired anyway…", you say shrugging your shoulders.

Abby strokes your cheek, looks into your eyes "No, really…".

"It's not as fun if I can't drive you crazy a little…" You give her a quick peck.

You take her hand and lead her to the sofa "What were you watching?". You lie on the coush and she sits between your legs, you hold her close.

"Some chick flick…" she rests her head on your chest, holds your hand between her own.

"Sounds great…".

You can't concentrate on the movie, you're massaging her scalp with your fingertips "Abby?".

"Yes?".

"…What is this, what are we doing?".

She turns her head, looking at you "Do you regret… it?".

You shake your head "That's the worse part: no! It's just… Feels so good, so perfect…".

"I know… I've been thinking about it too…".

These words have been burning in your throat for days "I… I'm falling really hard for you, Abby…".

Her eyes widen, looks surprised. _Oh fuck, I just scared her off_…

She cradles your face in her hands, kisses you so lovingly. She never kissed you so reverently.

"I'm so glad you feel like that too… I was afraid you would be just… you know...".

You love running your hands through that silky hair, she comes closer "I'm loving this… being with you is… I feel so much better when you're around".

You kiss her.

She smiles, leans down, lifts your shirt a little and starts kissing your belly. "Well, whether you like it or not, I'm having you right here, right now…".


	9. California dreaming

**Chapter 9- California dreaming**

Abby's finishing packing up, you sit on the edge of her bed, watching her "I'm really starting to get nervous…" you sigh.

"Nervous? Why?" she's checking her room with her eyes, looking for any forgotten objects.

"I hate flying…" She notices you're upset, comes closer.

"Hey, it's gonna be okay…" You lean your head against her belly, she pats your hair "I'll be right by your side".

"Thank God for that! I've got my pills just in case…".

She laughs "I think I'm ready!".

While Abby calls the cab, you go to the kitchen, desperate for a glass of water. You hate feeling like this: the sweaty hands, the dry mouth and that knot in your throat… It's gotten better over the years but still.

"Hey, the cab's here! Are you ready?".

"Yeah…". You put on your coat unenthusiastically, Abby's buttoning hers.

She holds your face, kisses you tenderly "It's gonna be okay, huh?".

The cab driver is making small talk with Abby. You don't really listen, but you think they're talking about the Cubs.

Right now, all you're thinking is about planes crashes and terrorist attacks, you sigh, unbutton your coat, you feel hot.

Abby gives you a little smile- her fingers search for you left hand, you entwine your fingers in hers. "We're going to be fine, you'll see" she whispers.

You nod at her and you notice the driver's looking at you two through the mirror, quietly chuckling. You bite your tongue, take a deep breath, lean your head against the window and close your eyes.

* * *

After all the check-in and waiting in lines, you're on the plane. Your place is by the window but you switch with Abby. You sit, fasten your seatbelt and close your eyes. You really dread the take-off, more than anything. And those motors sounds really freak you out.

"Susan?".

You look at Abby but someone else is talking to you.

Paul's right by your side, smiling at you, as surprised as you are. "Paul! Hi…".

He comes closer, you realize he's going to hug you.

"God! How are you? It's been like what, ten years? You look great!".

You're happy to see him. He looks even better, manlier, perhaps. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in Boston!".

"I was… Got divorced, came back home… I'm at Northwestern" he shrugs "You're going to the conference?".

"Yes!" You can see by the corner of your eye Abby looking at him.

"Huh, Abby this is Paul Hamilton, Paul this is Abby Lockhart, she works with me at County!".

They shake hands, Abby's still looking at you.

"Paul and I went to Med School together…".

"Oh…" she smiles "Nice to meet you".

"So you're still at County?".

"Yeah, moved to Phoenix for five years but came back home, too" you smile.

"Phoenix?" he frowns, amused.

"Yeah, my sister… you remember Chloe? She had a little girl and… I just wanted to make sure she was okay, you know…".

"Of course I remember her! How is she?".

"Believe it or not, she settled down, she's great…".

You two talk about what you've been doing lately. You look at Abby, she looks bored, but she tries to hide it.

"Less nervous?" She's being ironic, you know.

But before you can say anything, the taking-off starts. You feel your heart pounding really fast, Paul takes your hand "You're still afraid of flying?" Those blue eyes staring at you.

You know he's flirting, he's always flirting. That's why you broke up with him. That… and Mark. But it's comforting and he knows how much you hate planes.

Abby looks upset. She's looking at the window.

When the plane stabilizes you let go of his hand "thanks", you smile.

You and Paul catch up about what happened with your friends and colleagues, share a few in jokes. You try to explain them to Abby but she ignores you, you can tell she's upset.

"So and what about you? Husband, kids?".

"Huh, I got married, but it didn't last long…" you muse.

"Wasn't Mr Right?" he smirks.

"There's no Mr Right…" you laugh.

"Well, that's not what you used to think". Oh God, you can't believe he's going that way.

"I never said that" you insist.

"No, I believe you said he was your _soulmate_".

You sigh "Well, he was".

Abby's now looking at you.

"Don't tell me you guys are together?! Well, Greene's smarter than I thought, then".

God, why does he have to do this? You're so anxious and he's now touching the last subject you wanted to discuss…

"Because, if I remember well, he was married and very in love with his wife, right?".

_Men can be so stupid…_

"Paul…" you don't know what to say.

"Mark died three years ago" Abby spurts out, sternly looking at him.

He looks mortified. You know he was just taunting you, he never expected this "I'm so sorry, Susan… I had no idea. My God, what happened?".

"Multiform glioblastoma…" you take a sip of water.

Paul's still in shock "I'm such a ass…".

"You bet…" Abby murmurs between clenched teeth.

For about 5 minutes you all stay silent. The awkward moment is interrupted by one of the flight attendants. You get a coffee. When she hands it to you, the plane jerks, you let out a little shriek and your coffee ends up on Paul's lap.

"Oh, I'm so sorry sir!".

You're hyperventilating, he looks at you "Are you ok?" while trying to dry his pants.

"I'm fine, go!" You take a long sip of water.

"It's just turbulence. It's okay", she's not smiling, far from it.

You nod at her. "He's… we used to date".

"I got that".

"We were together for a long time, I hadn't seen him in years…".

She interrupts you "You don't have to explain. It's not my business…".

You look at her, exasperated "Abby… don't do this!".

"Don't do what?! I'm not the one who's been drooling over him since we left Chicago!".

She's jealous. You know you shouldn't, but you kind of like it.

Paul arrives, you can't pursue this right now.

He's smiling at you "It's your fault!".

"I didn't do anything! Tell him Abby…" you frown at her, trying to get a reaction.

"I wasn't paying attention…".

"So, Abby, how long have you guys been working together?" Paul asks.

She looks at him, then at you "Huh, three and a half years, I think…".

He smiles at her "You're an ER attending, I presume?".

"Huh, I'm an intern, actually".

"Abby was a nurse but she switched to the dark side!" You chime in.

"Oh really? So, are you enjoying it?".

"It's different, but yeah, I like it" she smirks at him, then looks at her hands.

"So you went to Phoenix, came back and went to County?! I mean, no offense, but the place is a mess!" he laughs.

"Hey, don't talk about my ER like that!" you punch him in the arm.

He laughs "_Your_ ER?".

"Yeah, you're talking to the chief of emergency medicine, alright?" you say proudly.

"Really?".

"Don't sound so surprised, Paul", you deadpan.

"Remember what you used to say about administration?".

"Well, I'm older and wiser!" you smile.

"And sexier, may I add" he says in a husky tone.

You roll your eyes at him. He chuckles. Abby sighs.

Finally you arrive. You feel so relieved when the plane lands. Paul suggests that you three share a cab. You look at Abby "Sure", she says.

The hotel's better than you expected. Has a huge pool and green gardens, very LA-like!

Before you go to your rooms, Paul invites you both to dinner tonight "I've been here before, the chef is great!".

"We'd love to" you agree. Abby's giving him the fakest smile you've ever seen.

Paul's room is on a different floor, you and Abby have rooms right next to each other. You walk her to her room, but you can see she's in no mood for talking, so you tell her you're going to unpack. She nods.

After you finish unpacking, you stretch out on the bed, you really need to sleep a little after all the anxiety.

You wake up a few hours later feeling much better. You open the window, enjoy the view. You take a deep breath of warm californian air. You decide to check on Abby.

You knock on her door, lightly. She's wearing only a Looney Toons t-shirt, lets you in.

You kiss her and although she kisses back, it's not as passionate as usual.

"Do you want to talk?" you ask.

"Not really…" she frowns.

"Ok. I'll do it. Paul was my boyfriend during med school. We were together for about five years. I hadn't seen him in a long time, what'd you want me to do? He was sitting right next to me!".

"Look, it's okay...".

You interrupt her "No, it's not ok. You were grumpy during the whole flight! I don't want us to fight for such a stupid thing…".

"I'm not grumpy" she sighs "I just don't like him…".

You smile at her "Why's that? He's not a bad guy".

"The way he was talking about Mark, really pissed me off…" she sits on the edge of the bed.

You sigh "That's a long story…".

"We have time".

"When we finished med school, we talked about living together. Everything was set, I rented an apartment for us and in the last minute he chickened out, said he "wasn't ready". I gave him the time he needed, but he'd spend most nights with me, anyway…".

"But he didn't want to be _officially_ living together?".

"Exactly. And then he would flirt with every female that crossed his path. I was so jealous. And he's good looking, girls used to hit on him all the time, even with me around. I was quite insecure, didn't want to lose him…".

"I know the feeling…"-

"And then, I matched at County. Mark was my resident. We connected right away. Mark was everything I wanted Paul to be: devoted to his family, earnest, sweet… By the end of my first ER rotation, we were already great friends. I used to talk about him a lot, Paul obviously didn't like it. And I fell for Mark very quickly. He was such a nice man", you stop, thinking about him.

"What happened?" Abby's now interested.

"Nothing. I mean, he was married, in love with Jennifer. There was an attraction between us, but I never acted on it. So I broke up with Paul, he couldn't believe I was dumping him... It was hard, but the situation was draining me. And although I couldn't have Mark, I felt so much better, you know?".

"… But the rumor is that Greene was really in love with you…".

You shake your head, "That was much later! Only after he got divorced. We got even closer and it's ridiculous how we never got together". You smile remembering "everyone was waiting for us to get together. Carol would talk to me everyday… Carol was our head nurse back then…" you remember she doesn't know these people.

"Carol Hathaway? I delivered her twins with Mark!", Abby smiles.

"Oh! I didn't know that! Well, anyway, Carol would tell me everyday about how Mark looked at me, talked about me… But I was so scared of making the first move… To make a very long story short Mark only told me about his feelings when I was boarding the train to Phoenix. He came running after me, saying that he loved me…" you smile at the memories.

"Wow! What a story! And you went, anyway?".

"Biggest regret of my life. We were right for each other. But I honestly thought Chloe needed me around and Suzie was like my own daughter…" Abby's smiling at you.

"I think there's still a pool running about you two" she chuckles.

"What?!".

"When you came back everyone was making bets of how long it would take for him to dump Corday…" she laughs.

"I can't believe it!" you shake your head in disbelief.

"Everyone thought you two were having an affair…" she confides.

"I was dating Carter! Well, if you can call that _dating_".

Abby comes closer "Not enough chemistry?".

You touch the inside of her thigh "Luckily, we don't seem to have that problem…".

She slides her arms around your neck, you pull her against you, your hands lifting her shirt and playing with the elastic of her panties.

You look at each other for a moment "What do you want to do?".

You don't answer, but she can read it in your eyes…

"Oh… maybe later, if you behave!", she's smiling now. "What about swimming? Let's enjoy the pool!".

"You're such an evil person…" you fake a pout, she escapes from your embrace.

You sigh and lie on her bed, trying not to look at her. But she makes it impossible, facing you, lifting her shirt very slowly, smiling at you… Standing in front of you, in her underwear, she turns around and asks "Can you help me with my bra?".

With that slurry voice she makes when she's horny.

You kneel on the bed, run your hands along her back, she shivers a little. You unclasp her bra while you kiss the nape of her neck. She removes her bra and you run your hands to her front, feeling her breasts. "I want you so much, baby…", you whisper in her ear.

Abby places her hands on top of yours, turns around and kisses you "you should go change…".

You ignore her and resume kissing her, but she escapes from you. Again.

"I'll meet you by the pool" she smiles, trying to look innocent after setting you on fire.

"Abby, come here…" You try to catch her, but she locks the bathroom door.

You lean your forehead against the door "Do you have to be such a tease?!".

You hear her chuckle. "I think we should enjoy the sun!".

You're not gonna win. "I'll meet you by the pool, then…".


	10. Oh, happy day

**Chapter 10- Oh, happy day**

You love teasing her. It's hard, though. You're been wanting to be with her for days, it's really getting to that point where you can't control yourself. The brief caresses you just exchanged were enough to get you dripping wet. You know the moment you get your hands on her, you'll be in bed for hours…

You check yourself in the mirror. The bikini looks good. She'll like it, you smile to yourself.

You spot two available sun loungers. A bartender approaches you while do your hair in a ponytail. It's so long now, it's getting on your nerves. But Susan has a thing for it and has begged you not to get it cut. How can you say no to her?

You order a coke for you and a margarita for Susan. You know she avoids drinking when she's with you. You find it very sweet.

Finally she arrives "I should kill you, you know?".

You chuckle.

You choke on your coke when you see her bikini. A very skimpy bikini.

She drags her lounger closer to yours.

"That bikini is obscene…" you whisper. The top almost only covers her nipples, you obviously can't stop looking at her breasts.

She smirks at you "I knew you would love it", takes a long sip at her drink. "Mmm… My favorite drink, that was nice of you… for a change" She looks at you over her sunglasses.

"This is torture…" you just can't stop looking at the side of her left breast that shows when she lifts her arm.

"You should enjoy the sun, Abby. Not look at my tits…" she slurs.

You sigh.

After a while, she stands up. Does she really need to wear a _thong_?! You can't stop looking at that ass swinging away as she reaches the pool. You're not the only one, all the men are checking her out too.

_But they don'__t know how soft her skin is…_

You decide to join Susan. You swim towards her "Attention seeker! Everyone was looking at your ass and you loved it…".

She runs her foot along your calf "You know it was just for you… Didn't you like it?".

You look around, reassuring yourself that no one's looking "You should always wear thongs…".

"What, like at work?" she teases.

"Yeah, under your lab coat!".

* * *

You look at Susan for like the millionth time. She's on her stomach, that sexy ass right next to you. You don't know if it's the sun, the abstinence or purely the fact that she's just hot but you can't hold it any longer. You feel yourself throbbing just from looking at her…

"Susan?".

She opens an eye "Huh?".

"Let's go inside…".

"I'm tanning…".

"I want to fuck you…" you say bluntly.

She props herself on her elbows "How do I know it's not just one of your tricks?".

"You won…" you give her a little smile.

She gets up, puts on her bathrobe, you do the same.

In the elevator, you two share knowing smiles. It gets pretty cramped, you feel Susan pressed against your back. Her hand on the small of your back, going up and down. You smile at the nice old lady who's right by your side. She's grabbing your ass… no one seems to have noticed. You just close your eyes and take a deep breath. You feel all sticky between your legs.

When you reach your floor, you two walk without saying a word. As soon as you enter your room, Susan pins you against the door and opens your bathrobe, tosses it away, you do the same to hers. She runs her hands along your sides, touching the underside of your breasts with her fingertips and sliding back down till your hipbone. You kiss her urgently, your hands grasping her buns. You direct her towards the bed and you gently push her onto it.

"Just let me look at you…" you smile at her, while caressing her stomach. She shivers. "You're so sexy…", you straddle her, kiss her neck, her jaw line. You reach her lips and she opens them inviting you in. Your tongue searches for hers, you swipe the underside of it, Susan moans.

She rolls you both, you wrap your legs around her waist, she's smiling at you "You go first…". She takes off your bikini top and starts sucking your breasts so hard, until your nipples stand erect and you feel yourself getting wetter and wetter. She slips a hand inside your panties and smiles at you when she reaches your womanhood "You're so wet… you want it bad, huh?".

You just nod, biting your lower lip, trying not to moan too loud. She's giving you firm strokes, but not hard enough to make you come. She stops to remove your bikini panties, peels them slowly, always looking at you. She kisses your right leg from your toe to your groin, caresses the insides of both thighs, your heart is pounding so fast, she must be hearing it. "There are so many things I'd like to do to you right now… What do you want?", her voice even huskier than usual.

"I need your tongue…" you almost whisper.

She comes closer, looks you in the eyes, brushes your lips teasingly, "Sounds like a plan".

When she goes down on you, you really have to hold it not to pass out. It's been almost two weeks since you had, literally, the pleasure and it feels even better than you remembered.

You don't know how she does it, her tongue feels like a tornado on your clitoris, you feel the heat rising from the back of your spine to the inside of your navel, you know you're close. She licks you slowly from the end of your lips until the tip of your clit, and then does the reverse way with the slick underside of her tongue, then sucks you hard. You grip her head and grind yourself against her mouth, she licks you even faster and yes, yes, yes… the orgasm flows through you like a wave of fire and you scream "Fuck, Susan!! Oh my… Yes, don't stop!!".

And she doesn't… while you recover from the intense orgasm, she's still giving you slow licks, while caressing your breasts. You pull her up, her lips are swollen from pleasuring you. You kiss her softly, you're still out of breath "…you're amazing…".

She leans her head against your chest, her hand absently caressing your right breast. You pat her hair, still breathing hard.

You feel really tired, but you want to please her too. You lay her on her back, take one of her breasts out of the bikini top "Did I ever mentioned that I could spend the rest of my life celebrating the perfection of your breasts?".

She lets out one of her trademark giggles, you can't stop looking at those perfect teeth, her delicious mouth… you run your index along her lower lip, she bites it.

You decide to undress her, she arches her back so you can remove her panties. When you see her all shaved and soft like that you just want to taste her forever. That's what you do, you run you tongue along her sex, she whimpers a bit, and you feel her pulling you up "I want to be close to you, kiss you…".

"Your wish is my command" you smile at her, you stroke her face, she closes her eyes, feeling your touch.

You rub your sex against hers, nice and slowly. She moans out loud, you lick her neck, bite her earlobe, swirl your tongue in her ear. Susan trembles "Oh, Abby… you're so good…".

You lift your leg a bit to reach a better angle, your pelvic bone is thrusting against her clitoris… she's so wet and excited, you feel her throbbing. She's really sexy and feeling her writhing under you is really turning you on again. She has her hands on your ass pulling you against her, you kiss her hard, she moans against your lips…

You feel so lucky to have this beautiful woman in your life. You rub against her harder and harder, until you both come loudly, your voices echoing in the room.

You lie next to her, face to face. She tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, caresses you cheek… "Wow…".

"Yeah…", you're still out of breath, you drape an arm around her waist, she comes closer.

You spend the rest of the afternoon in each other's arms. Susan calls room service and orders ice-cream. Which ends up all over you and becomes an excuse to make out again.

You're both curled up when Susan says "We'd better get ready…" while kissing your shoulder.

"… for what?"

"Dinner, remember? It's almost 7.30…".

Oh, yeah, dinner with Paul-the-ex-boyfriend. Now, there's something you're really looking forward to. You face her "I don't think I'm going…".

She looks disappointed "Abby… you said you would…".

"I know but… I don't want to be there when he starts flirting with you. Really, it upsets me…".

She nods "You're not gonna be grumpy again?".

You kiss her "Have fun. Well, do _not _have fun! Have a nice meal".

She looks at you sadly "Can I come over later?".

"Do you really need to ask?", you give her one last kiss.

You walk her to the door, "What am I going to say to Paul? He invited you, too…".

"He won't miss me, I'm sure… Tell him I'm recovering from a terrific fuck session…".

She comes closer "Was great, wasn't it?".

You pull her to a long, passionate kiss so she doesn't forget you. "…Now go…".

You close the door and go back to bed. You can still feel her around, her smell, her hands on you.

You light a cigarette, that's what's been missing: your post-coital smoke. You take a long puff in. Since you're with her, you almost stopped smoking. Now you only have a few cigarettes per day. She says you should kiss her, instead. And you do, a lot. Except when you're working on different shifts and you go to the ambulance bay and light a cigarette while you think about her.

Because she's constantly on your mind. Like now. Maybe you should have gone with her. You trust her but… you're so scared of losing her. Sometimes you think she's gonna wake up one day and realize this is wrong and leave you. You've had dreams where you try to reach her, but she runs away from you. You don't tell her about these dreams.

After a long bath, you order dinner and switch the TV on. You choose one of those bad reality shows that you two love to watch together. But you can't stop thinking about what she's doing right now.

You think you love her. It's too soon, you know that, but that constant need to be around her, to hold her, to just look into her eyes must mean something.

Or maybe it's just because it's something completely new and you both will wake up one day and go your separate ways.

You realize you don't remember what else happened since you two got together… kind of scary.

You check the clock, she's probably still having dinner. You look at the brochures they gave you about the conference. Opening session's tomorrow at 9 AM. You set your alarm, think about what you're gonna wear.

You're watching some bad movie. One guy gets shot and goes to hospital. The trauma room looks so much cleaner than those you have at County. The actors don't know how to hold a retractor.

You light another cigarette, go to the window, watch that beautiful full moon.

You see Susan and Paul in the garden. She's laughing. They stop walking but keep talking. It feels like you're spying on them, but you can't move. He comes closer and kisses her. It seems like you're watching it in slow motion. You feel anger building up, you realize you're sweating. You can't really see her reaction because he's in front of her. But when he goes for another kiss she pushes him away, he grabs her arm but she goes away, leaves him there.

You feel so, so relieved. You feel your heart warming your chest, which is _impossible_, but heck.

Five minutes later, she's knocking at your door. She looks even more beautiful, you smile at her and hug her.

"I saw Paul kissing you" you admit.

Her eyes widen in shock "Huh, Abby… that's not…".

"Shush… I saw everything…" you hold her hand.

She nods "What does it tell you?".

You didn't expect that question. She lifts your chin, looks you in the eye for a moment.

"I love you, Abby. And I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize us. Ever…".

You could die right now "Say it again…".

She smiles at you so sweetly, you think she's even blushing… "I love you…".

"I love you, too…" you whisper back… Eyes closed, you find her lips for what starts like a chaste kiss but escalates to one of those kisses that rises one's temperature. You only stop kissing when you feel something cold on your cheek. Susan's crying.

"Oh… baby…" you kiss her cheek, wiping her tears away.

"I'm such a wimp…" she chuckles between tears. "I know it's too early, but I know what I'm feeling…".

You hold her face in your hands "I know…" you kiss her and lead her to your bed.

That night you rediscover all her curves again. You don't have sex, you make love. Your eyes always locked with hers, you let your hands reach her and she copies all your moves. You're overwhelmed by her beauty, lit by the moonlight her hair shines like gold and those green eyes seem fluid.

When you enter her, she lets out a loud gasp and pulls you closer, her breasts cushioning yours. She does the same and slides two fingers in you. You settle for three fingers each and just watch each other, until both of you come so strongly and you have to rest your head on her shoulder and close your eyes.

The last thing you feel before falling asleep is her hand patting the nape of your neck.


	11. The death of me

**Chapter 11- The death of me**

You get up slowly, trying not to wake her, go to the window stretching and yawning. That bright blue sky reminds you of Arizona. You had good times there. But you don't regret coming back. Chicago's your city, you love it. It's urban, raw, authentic. You made new friends, rekindled old friendships. You look at Abby sprawled in bed. She loves you. She said so. Life's perfect, right now.

You creep onto the bed, kiss her shoulder, neck. "Wake up, sleepy head…" you whisper.

She opens an eye, pulls up the sheet "Five minutes…".

You sneak down the sheets, hug her "I called room service… breakfast's on the way".

"Mmm, breakfast in bed… good idea" she now seems more alert.

Abby pulls you to a kiss, you lie on top of her, smiling at her.

"It's still early…" she says, caressing your back.

You kiss her neck, sternum, "Any ideas?".

As the kissing becomes more urgent, you hear someone knocking at the door "Shit…" you sigh in frustration "Must be our breakfast, I'll get it…".

As you're about to reach the door, Abby calls out "Susan…".

"Yeah?".

"You're naked" she chuckles.

"Oh… damn it" You have this habit of walking around the house naked. Feels good, why not?

(You try not to remember that time just after you and Dix moved in together and you decided to welcome him home naked. Would have been very sexy hadn't he brought his brother to have dinner, that evening. You don't remember feeling so embarrassed in your whole life).

"Huh, can you leave it there, please? I'm not really dressed…".

"I need your signature, ma'am" comes the answer from the other side.

"Great… Just a minute!".

Abby's finding this very funny "Huh, there a robe in the bathroom" she says trying not to laugh.

She's still giggling when you place the tray at the edge of the bed "You could have told me about the robe earlier…".

"Why would I do that? I like you parading around naked…" she says kissing your shoulder as you settle next to her.

She's always complimenting your eyes, but you think hers are prettier. She has these dark puppy eyes that you love and right now, when she's staring so lovingly at you, you don't need to say anything: you smile at her and she knows what you mean. You rest your head on Abby's lap and yawn "We have to get ready…".

"Yeah…" she sighs while enmeshing her fingers in your hair.

You get up, start collecting your clothes and shoes "I need a shower…" and you find your room key card.

Abby gets up too, stretches her limbs and comes closer "You could shower here…" she says with a pseudo angelic smile.

"I could…". Abby's already opening your robe.

"Come on…", she says and you follow her.

"Abby… we can't be late…". She shuts you with a kiss and you can't fight: you enfold her in your arms, Abby pushes you into the shower cubicle, you both stumble and laugh between kisses.

The tiles are cold against your back, but Abby's busy peppering your neck and chest with kisses and nibbles and you can't think of anything else.

She takes a step back and you watch the water cascading on her. She's so pretty, your mermaid.

You gesture her to turn her back to you. You reach for the shower gel, squeeze it on your hand and lather it all over her body. You feel her surrender to your touch. You start rubbing gently her shoulders and back, while kissing the nape of her neck. You can't see it, but you can feel her smiling.

You reach her front and you linger on her breasts, cupping and feeling her nipples stiffen under your fingers. You play with them until you have her gasping and moaning in your arms. You love that sound.

Then you let your hand slide down her stomach, slower than both of you want, until you cup between her legs and Abby's begging you to take her "Oh my… what you do to me…", she grasps your hand like she's afraid you stop what you're doing.

She's so warm and throbbing for _you_, _you _do that do her.

You caress her clitoris and she jerks a little, you hold her tighter. She surprises you by sliding a hand behind her back and reproducing all your moves on you. You go blank for a few seconds, relishing on what she's doing to you with those magic hands.

"Everything ok, back there?", she asks teasingly.

"You gonna be the death of me…" you whisper in her ear as you grab her harder, eliciting obscene moans from Abby. She gets back at you by stroking your clit between her fingers and it hits you hard, very hard. You sink your teeth in her shoulder, muffling your cry and, you're not sure if in spite of or because of that, she comes too, her knees go weak and you have to hold her close to prevent both of you from falling.

After a while, she turns and faces you, cups your face, looks deeply into your eyes.

The water's already running cold.

"That's how it all started…" she smiles at you.

"What?" you don't get it at first.

"Us. That night in your shower. After your party…".

You smile at the memories "Oh, yes…".

"Yeah… you seduced me…" Abby comes closer.

"Excuse me?" you frown playfully.

"Yeah… you kissed me first…" she gives you a soft kiss.

"You were checking me out…" you kiss her back.

"Liar…" she smiles against your lips.

"I was drunk… but I remember…" you caress her ass.

"Ok… but you were inviting me with your eyes…", she whispers against your lips.

"I was so turned on…".

"I was soaking wet just from looking at you…" she kisses you, with a steady hand behind your neck, you part your lips and Abby's tongue's tracing your gum line, touching your palate, rubbing against yours. "You're delicious…" she mutters.

You feel your cheeks warming, you try to hide it, it's ridiculous. Little girls are allowed to blush, not grown women.

She smiles at you "And… I love it when I make you blush…", kisses your cheek.

You look at the mark you left on her shoulder and you feel even more embarrassed, it's turning purple… "Oh… God… I'm sorry about that…".

She chuckles quietly "Who thought you would be so rough, huh?".

"I'm sorry. I'm not usually like that but… I can't help it…", you shrug embarrassed.

She seems pleased and smirks at you "Well, we're even now!".

She laughs when she sees your clueless expression "You haven't seen your neck, have you?", she says exiting the booth.

You smile and shake your head when you look in the mirror and notice the red mark on your neck.


	12. On the beach

**Chapter 12- On the beach**

So… of course you arrived late for the conference.

Susan's being a pain in the ass, whining all the way that it's your fault, but you're in such a good mood, you don't care.

And you must have a really relaxed, happy face because she completely drops the act and smiles at you "Next time, I'll have to wake you earlier…".

When you get there, there's a group of doctors from Ohio who apparently got lost and arrived late too, so you two just pretend that you're from the same group so no one singles you out.

You try to take as much notes as you can, Susan whispers to you "You don't really need to write everything down…". You look at her notes, she only has a few keywords and topics.

"Well, you told me I'll have to present this!", you continue to scribble.

"Yep…".

The first two speakers were pretty good and had really interesting views. Susan's more interested in the next one, as it's about ER management. _Boring_.

For now, you're on coffee break and you volunteer to get your coffees. When you're back there's that goddamn Paul talking to her. You hand Susan her coffee.

"Hi Paul".

"Abby. How are you feeling?" he asks.

"Huh… better, thanks…", you look at Susan who's narrowing eyes at you.

"It was a shame you couldn't join us for dinner. Maybe next time?".

"Sure…", you nod.

"Now if you excuse me…". Well, that was fast. Maybe he got the message, after all.

"Yesterday I told him you weren't feeling ok…".

"Yeah, I got it…" you look at your coffee.

"He just wanted to apologize for yesterday…" she whispers.

"It's ok, you don't have to report everything to me, Susan". But you're glad she told you.

"I think I have. I don't like misleading silences and unsaid words…".

"What do you mean?".

She leads you to a quieter corner "I mean if we want things to work, we have to talk to each other. Ask questions when we want answers. Not expecting the other to guess what we want to hear…".

You scoff "By _we_, you mean _me_?".

"I didn't say that".

You sigh. Ok, she's right, but opening completely to someone if still something very hard for you.

"I know I'm not the easiest person to be with, but I'm really making an effort. I want this to work, ok?".

She smiles at you "I know, sweetie. I wasn't criticizing you, just… you know you can trust me, right?" she holds your hand discreetly.

"You know I do", you clutch her hand and let go, before anyone notices.

"We should go back…".

Thank God you had coffee. The presentation about management was just plain boring: numbers, budgets and guidelines. Susan loved it and kept saying how she was going to make some changes. You have a feeling it'll mean more work for everyone.

"When did you become Kerry Weaver?" you whisper in her ear.

She chuckles, people frown at you both.

Susan leans closer "The moment I started sleeping with you, I guess…".

You let out a giggle but stop when you see half the room looking at you.

Susan tries to keep a straight face, pretends to be taking notes.

* * *

At lunch, Susan asks you what you want to do this afternoon.

"What do you mean?".

"The presentations are about pediatric ERs… we could skip that…".

"Oh… what do you have in mind?".

"Let's go to the beach!", she smiles all excited like a kid.

"Well, I don't mind that!" you chuckle.

* * *

"Ok… We're on the beach, why can't we settle here?" you moan as you follow her around.

Susan pauses to look at her map "Because we're not there yet. And it's too crowded here. Come on…".

She's wearing blue shorts, flip-flops and a white top. Underneath it, she has some colorful bikini. Not _porno bikini_ from yesterday, unfortunately.

When you get to that laguna shaped beach you gasp "Wow, this is beautiful…". Surprisingly, there aren't many people there.

"I told you it was worth the walk!". Susan's taking pictures "Oh man, look at that ocean!".

You settle your stuff behind a sand dune and you take off your t-shirt.

"Sexy…" she chuckles shielding the display screen from the sun.

"What?" you come closer and see yourself undressing on the screen "I hate taking pictures…".

"Too bad, I love it" she says, taking another picture.

You sit on your towel, she lays hers next to yours. "Come here, let's take one together…".

You lean against her and smile, she takes a few pictures.

"Let me see… We're such a hot couple!" you chuckle.

She gives you a peck "Yes, we are…".

"Susan…" you look around, but no one's really looking at you.

You center the camera in the air and pull her to a kiss. It was a good idea to settle behind the dune, you think.

Because when you two start kissing, hands are all over each other and you're already hovering over her, your hand moving across her face to her hair "You're so pretty…". She smiles at you with kind eyes but you remember where you are and lie back on your towel.

You look at the pictures you've taken, you both look so happy together. You are happy.

"I wish we could stay longer… Can't believe in a week we'll be working like crazy and barely seeing each other again…" she sighs.

"We should flee here! Imagine, waking up everyday to this view…" you daydream.

She leans on her elbow, runs her index over your nose, lips "I don't mind where I wake up, as long as you're beside me…".

You look at her, her eyes full of love "That was a little corny, huh?" she blushes.

"Totally… God, Susan, I swear if we weren't here I would take you right now…", you look closely at her perfect features, suck in your lower lip, let it out.

She's making eyes at you. You're surprised at how much this woman arouses just from looking at you.

"I think you need to cool down… I know I do…" Susan gets up, stretches her hand to help you up.

The water's warm, but you can't dive in straight away like her. She swims towards you and splashes water all over you "Come on, Abby!".

You dive and when you come up for air, you end up behind her. You put her hands around her waist, she turns in your arms "Abby…", she looks around.

"No one knows us here…". You get closer, slide a leg between hers "Just one kiss?" you tease her, she has her hands on your ass, stroking you and looks around once more before giving you a very lustful but way too short kiss. When she breaks the kiss, she chuckles "Don't get me started…".

You watch the sunset before going back to the hotel and it's such a beautiful and peaceful experience. Susan's taking pictures, you kneel behind her and hold her close. She strokes your hand around her waist. Your mind's buzzing.

"I probably won't say it as much as you should hear it, but I need you to know that I love you and when we're like this, I can't ask for anything else…" There. You said what you're thinking.

She gives you the most beautiful smile you've ever seen and it's contagious "Let me take a picture of that!" you grin. You smile even more when you look at the display and see Susan looking radiant with that beautiful sunset behind her. You'll definitely frame that one.

You already did, in your mind.


	13. Back to reality

**Chapter 13- Back to reality **

After a great week in California, you're back. The weather's not that bad but sucks compared to LA. You check your mail- mostly bills and publicity- and your messages, lye on your couch. You absolutely love being with her, but you enjoy being alone now: gives you time to think.

Those days were amazing, like a vacation. You got even closer, the intimacy is now boundless. You enjoyed each other's company: Susan reading out quizzes from glossy magazines, you gossiping about the hospital's new couples or just cuddling up in bed quietly, needless to fill silence with words.

You almost regret not having seen much of LA. Apart from the day you went to the beach, you only took a stroll to Rodeo Drive once and that was it. The rest of the time you and Susan were having sex. Like, all the time. You don't really have an explanation for the constant horniness when you're around her, but it feels deliciously forbidden to be sleeping with your friend and your boss or whatever… All you know is that you just have to look at her or touch her and she knows what you want. After a string of clueless lovers, Susan is like a guru. And you always try to outdo each other: if she gives you a huge orgasm, you repay her with a greater one. You love that competition, it's clearly a win-win situation.

_Huh, why am I thinking about sex, again?_

It's still early but you go to bed, you have long day tomorrow and you're tired. Your bed seems so big and empty. The sheets feel cold.

* * *

You're all cheerful as you enter through the ambulance bay and go to the front desk. Jerry greets you "Hey! Long time, no see! Nice tan!".

You smile "Thanks, Jerry! Slow Monday for me, huh?", the ER seems unusually quiet.

"Actually, everyone's in the lounge. Dr. Lewis called a staff meeting…".

"Well, thank you for telling me!" you run past him.

"I thought you knew" he says, chewing his bagel.

Everyone's already there, but the meeting hasn't started yet.

"Dr. Lockhart, you're late", Susan smiles at you while handing you some papers.

"I didn't know about this…" you sit next to Neela.

"So, how was LA?" she hands you a cup of coffee.

"Great! Really, really good…".

"You look great! How was the conference?".

"I thought it would be boring, but it was actually pretty good. I'll get you a copy of the literature, if you want…".

"Sure, thanks…".

Susan starts the meeting announcing she's reforming teams. Everyone sighs, she raises an eyebrow and starts reading out.

"_Carter and Ray,_

_Kovac and Chen will get two med students each…"._

"I can't believe you're making me baby-sit, Susan…", Jing-Mei whines.

"… _Pratt and Abby…"_.

"Oh man, I got Pratt!" you whisper at Neela who laughs at your frustration.

"_and Neela, you're with me"_.

"Oh no… I'm so screwed, she hates me!" Neela whispers to you.

"What? She does not!", you shake your head.

"Well, she chose me, she probably thinks I suck!".

"I think she thinks you'll be the easiest one to handle, not having to baby-sit you around…" you reassure her.

"_And Morris? I want weekly reports about all residents, interns and med students. And on time, you hear me?_.

"What?! But, Dr Lewis…".

"There's no 'buts' Morris, you were chief resident last time I checked!".

"But I'm already so swamped!" Archie pouts.

"My heart is breaking" Susan smirks at him.

Luka gives Susan reports from last week- he was acting chief while you were in LA- and when everyone starts dissipating, you go talk to her.

"I can't believe you put me with Pratt!".

"He's good, Abby…", she's signing some charts.

"Yeah, but he has that attitude…".

"So do you…" she gives you a lopsided smile.

"What?".

She looks around and lowers her voice "Don't worry, I find it a turn-on…" she says before leaving "See you…".

You spend most of the day bickering with Pratt, but you actually make a few good saves together.

"Isn't it good to learn something?" he says haughtily, ripping off his gloves after a trauma.

"Yeah, you're so amazing Pratt…" you answer ironically.

You go to the toilet to wash your face and when you look up at the mirror, there's Susan behind you.

"How's it going?". She says while washing her hands and refreshing.

"Okay…" you play with a strand of hair that keeps escaping from her ponytail.

She smiles with her eyes and takes you by the arm "Come here…".

Susan pushes you inside a stall "Susan… what…".

As soon as she closes the door, she kisses you softly "Wanted to do this since this morning…", she smiles. "You looked so beautiful …", she whispers.

You push her against the wall and go for her lips again, search for her tongue, you slide a hand under her shirt, feeling her stomach, breast. She leans back her head against the wall and sighs heavily when you go for her neck "Abby…".

"You dragged me in here…", you nibble at her earlobe while reaching between her legs, she shudders, rolls her eyes in pleasure, you think she's the most sexy thing on earth. When you're about to unbutton her pants your beeper goes off "Oh, fuck… it's Pratt", you sigh.

Susan closes her eyes "Go", she's turned on, you don't want to leave her like that but…

"I'm sorry… I've gotta go…". You kiss her softly "You're so flushed!".

She composes herself, her clothes, her hair "I wonder why…".

* * *

Pratt hands you three charts "Let's clean the board!". You grab them and go to curtain 2 see the abdominal pain but Corday's already there.

"Huh, you were already paged?".

"I'm covering the ER today…". She's examining the patient's belly, "Don't bother, this one's mine… Lydia, call upstairs and tell them we have an appy coming up!".

"One down…" you shrug to yourself.

You go see your next patient. A very feminine looking guy with an infected nipple piercing.

He trembles every time you touch him. _What a wimp_.

"I'm going to irrigate it, Mr. Hilton…".

"It hurts so much… I think I'm gonna faint!", he fans himself dramatically.

"If you survived 'til now, I don't it's going to be a problem…", you smirk at him.

He flinches as you remove the piercing "Don't take it off, it's going to close!!".

"If I don't remove it, your nipple will fall off and neither of us want that, do we?" He opens his eyes wide and nods "Ok…".

Susan pops her head in "Hey, what time are you off?".

You look at the clock "Uh… in 4 hours" you sigh and smile faintly.

"Ok… I'm off now…", she smiles.

You nod at her "See you later". You watch her leave, follow her with your eyes until he guy speaks up.

"She's cute", he says.

You look at him "Excuse me?".

"You're together, right?...".

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

You don't know what to say. Thank god you're alone with him in that room.

"What? She's my boss" you scoff, trying to make it sound ridiculous.

He looks at you in silence. You finish the procedure with trembling hands.

"Is it that obvious?" you ask in a quieter tone.

"Your eyes gave you away. I guess it's my gaydar…", he says buttoning up his shirt.

"Huh… keep it dry for a day and then come back to check…" you sign your name on the prescription and hand it to him.

"Good luck" he smiles.

"What?" you frown.

"Secret relationships are tough. I was always miserable before coming out…".

You look at him for a moment, before opening the door and heading for the nurses' station. Is it that obvious? How come a guy that doesn't know either of you knows it straight away? You were sure that no one suspected anything, but now… you'll have to be extra careful. And stop the groping fest in bathroom stalls, lingering stares and such.

Neela appears behind you "Hey, what are you doing tonight? It's been a while since we last hung out…".

"Uh, actually, I've got plans tonight… but what about tomorrow?".

She raises a brow "Ok, we're on. I want to know everything…" she tries to hide her smile.

You feel your heart pumping "What do you mean?".

"Come on Abby! You've been smiling like a gibbon for the last month, I never see you off work! You're obviously dating someone!".

You give her a little smile "Huh… Maybe…" you take another chart, escaping from her questions. Your cheeks feel so hot.

"You can run but you can't hide!" she laughs, shaking her head.

* * *

When you arrive at Susan's, she lets you in and runs to the kitchen "I've got to keep an eye on the sauce!".

"I thought you were cooking pasta…", you hang your coat and go to the kitchen.

"With my special secret sauce…", she tastes it and adds some herbs.

You hug her from behind, "Like the apron… Sexy…". She smells so good. You're probably smelling like hospital.

"Take a seat, you must be tired…" she suggests.

"Yeah, had a long day…", you place your elbows on the table and bury your face in your hands.

Susan places her hands on your shoulders and massages them, gently "You're tense…".

You straighten your neck and stretch it to the right and then to the left. Susan's hands are doing wonders.

"Remember the patient I was with before you came home?".

"Nipple guy?".

"Yep… Oh, that's good…" you go blank for a few seconds. "Huh… he got it that we were together…".

Susan stops then resumes the massage "… Really?".

"Apparently my eyes gave us away…" you sigh.

"We have to be more careful at work". Susan says kneading between your shoulder blades.

"Like earlier in the bathroom?" you chuckle.

She stops massaging, kisses your neck, "I can't resist you…".

You shudder when she kisses that spot under your earlobe. "Same here…".

You have a really nice candle lit dinner. You have to admit it: her _secret sauce_ is delicious. You tell her about Neela and her suspicions, Susan tells you not to be too _specific_.

"Great advice…", you actually want to discuss this but Susan's trying to undress you.

"Why don't you finish what you started earlier?" she traces the inside of your lips with the tip of her tongue.

You go to her room "I cursed Pratt for paging you…" she says between kisses.

"Me too…" you unbutton her shirt, really slowly, you want this to last.

She's not wearing a bra- you know it's on purpose- she knows you love it.

You take her breast on your mouth, suck it slowly… you let it out and marvel at how stiff her nipple is. You lick it fiercely then blow at it. Susan's skin becomes all goosebumpy and she sighs heavily "You're so good…".

You straddle her and take her breasts in your hands, massaging them slowly, locking eyes with hers "I never had someone like you: clever, nice, kind, funny…". She smiles shyly "And so sexy… since we got together, I can't stop thinking about doing it… I guess I forgot how good it is to be with someone who actually wants you to come first…". She laughs exposing that neck you love.

She pushes you closer to her. "You make me happy", you finally tell her.

"I love you, Abby…". She smiles and then raises a brow "But I swear… If you don't touch me now…".

You both chuckle for a moment, you kiss your way down, stop between her breast, look up at her, Susan's swallows hard "Abby… please…".

You lick your way down until you reach her navel, kiss her abdomen and unbutton her pants, Susan lifts her hips, you take them off. Susan kneels and starts undressing you.

You both kneel naked, looking at each other "Lie down, baby…" you whisper at her.

She does and you position yourself between her legs, she takes hold of your hips. You slide your hands down her sides and then reach her core and she's so warm and impatient. She moans deeply as you touch her. You love to watch what you do to her.

You kiss and lick the hollow on her throat, her moans reverberating against your tongue. Then you kiss her from her neck to her ear "Where is it?".

Her eyes widen a little "huh… second drawer…".

You stretch over Susan to reach for the toy "This is going to be fun…".


	14. She knows

**Chapter 14- She knows **

"What are you doing tonight?" Jing-Mei asks as you both take your stethoscopes from your lockers.

"Nothing, really…". _Because Abby already has plans_. You don't mention that last part. You're becoming one of those couples that live exclusively for each other that you hate so much.

"Let's go salsa dancing! I miss going out with you guys! Do you think Abby's up for it?".

"I think she has plans for tonight…". She's going out with Neela.

"Okay, it's just us then. So we're on?".

"Sure!" you answer before she leaves.

You pour yourself a cup of coffee and Elizabeth comes in.

"Morning Susan".

"Good morning" you hand her a cup of coffee, she looks like she needs it.

"Oh, thank you…" She sits opposite you, you both sip at your coffees.

"How's Ella?" You and Elizabeth were never close, but you like her. And Ella's part of Mark. She has his kind eyes.

She smiles "Oh, each day's a new adventure…".

"And what about you?". She's surprised that you asked. Maybe it wasn't subtle but she seems so lonely these days.

She looks at her coffee, then faces you "Not great. Work, home, everyday…"she sighs.

"Chen and I are going out tonight… You should join us, Elizabeth".

"I would love to… But there's Ella…", she shrugs.

"You could get a babysitter… Come on! When was the last time you went salsa dancing?" you try to persuade her.

"Salsa dancing? I believe I never tried! Maybe I can call get a babysitter…".

You get up "Do that and let me know!".

"Thank you, Susan", Elizabeth smiles.

"You're welcome".

You see Neela and Abby gossiping in a corner. Neela stiffens when she sees you "Dr Lewis…".

"Morning Neela, Abby…". She gives you a look that you know so well. Your eyes lock for a second before you turn to Neela "GSW coming up…".

You go to the ambulance bay and Neela joins you. It's windy out there, you should have brought your coat.

Neela's burying her hands in her pockets "What do we know?".

"Gang fight. 12 year-old male, GSW to the left upper chest…Here they are!".

The kid's loosing so much blood, he's not going to make it. Neela keeps on doing CPR but you know it's useless. "Neela…".

She looks at you, her forehead is glistening with sweat, keeps on pumping on this kid's chest, her big dark eyes on you. You know what she's feeling, it still happens to you after all those years. Frustration, anger, sometimes even despair.

You nod at her and she stops. Looks at the clock "Time of death: 08.05".

The room becomes silent, just the sound of gloves and protections being torn.

"What a nice way to start the day…" she mumbles.

* * *

Pratt called in sick. It means Abby spent the day with you and Neela. You're not comfortable with this. You feel constantly on the edge: the involuntary brushes, the smell of her shampoo numbing you, the lingering looks.

But you have to treat Abby just like any other intern and it's not easy to be objective with someone you're in love. It always sounds personal, even when it's purely professional.

You got another GSW and the guy had both his lungs down. You told them to insert a chest tube each. Neela was quicker and got it right at the first try.

"Abby?" you can see she's struggling.

"I got it…". You check bilateral resps but Abby's side is still unresponsive.

"Abby, the lung's still collapsed! Are you sure you're in the thorax cavity?".

"Yes, I am" she answers back glaring at you.

You have to do something or the guy will lose the lung.

"Let me try…". Abby looks at you but finally gives in.

You explore with your finger, trying to relocate the tube "I got it… You nipped the neurovascular bundle! This is not your first chest tube, is it?".

She doesn't answer, just looks at you angered. You know that's just the way she is: stubborn, competitive and proud. But in the trauma room, things have to run smoothly. Always. Plus, everyone has bad days. "It's ok, Abby", you reassure her.

"Great work Neela, perfect timing! Call upstairs and book an OR". She smiles, nods and makes the phone call.

You go after Abby who's already out of the room. "Hey, are you ok?".

She looks at you for a moment ."You never compliment me like that!".

Oh. You weren't expecting this.

You lower your voice and look her in the eyes. "I give you all my love and my time which is the best compliment you can ever get". You know it's better to leave her alone when she's like that.

Corday approaches you "Susan! I called the babysitter and she can look after Ella tonight!".

"Oh, that's great!" You smile at her, she seems excited.

"I don't even remember the last time I went to a club! Rather sad, don't you think?".

"A child is very time consuming… I'm sure it's going to be fun!" you both chuckle and talk a little more until Elizabeth gets paged for a consult.

You go to your office to do some paperwork and after a while Abby knocks at the door. She enters, smiles faintly, sits opposite you.

"Huh… I'm sorry about earlier… I'm so stubborn, you know me…".

"It's ok. I'm sure you'll do great next time". Since you're together, she's really trying hard to open more, tell you what she feels, thinks. You're proud of her.

You get up, shut the curtains, Abby looks up at you expectantly. You stretch your hand and you both sit next to each other on the couch.

"I heard about the plans for tonight" Abby smiles.

"Deb and Pratt broke up again, she needs to have fun, I guess… It's a shame you can't join us. Corday's coming, too".

"Maybe next time…" she leans closer to you, brushes your lips. You close your eyes. It's so good to kiss Abby. Her hand is on your knee but you feel it on your thigh. You stop kissing her before you start losing control.

You have agreed to be careful at work and wait to get home when you feel like this. You clasp hands. She kisses the back of your hand, then your cheek and leaves.

* * *

You're finishing doing your hair when Elizabeth arrives. She looks beautiful and is all excited "It's not too much, is it?" she asks about her attire.

"No! You look great! Love your top… Just give me a minute I'm trying to tame my hair… make yourself at home…".

When you're back, she's looking at the various framed pictures you have in your living room. She holds one, you know which one it is. It's you and Mark. She looks at you, gives you a little smile "He still had some hair, here…".

You have to laugh "When I first met him he had hair. Curly blond hair!".

"You both look very happy…".

"It was at a surprise birthday party he and Doug threw for me…", you nod.

"I never slept with him, you know?". You've always wanted to tell her that.

She looks surprised "Uh… No, I didn't… But then, I never asked you. And Mark wouldn't tell me…". Elizabeth places the picture on the shelf, you're both quiet for a moment until someone rings at the door, it's Chen.

"You won't believe who had the nerve to call!" she fumes as she makes her way in.

"What did he say?" you ask while putting on your coat. "She broke up with Pratt, again…" you tell Elizabeth.

"That we should be friends. Then he asks 'can I come over, tonight?'".

"Men are pathetic", Elizabeth announces. From what Abby told you, she hasn't been very lucky with her dates, either.

You arrive at _Havana_, the place isn't crowded yet, so you go for one of the available tables and order your drinks.

A few margaritas later, three guys ask you all to dance. Jing-Mei, who's already tipsy, flirts noticeably with the Pratt lookalike. You're making small talk with the blonde one, Tom. They're lawyers, partners on some important law firm. Nice, witty guy. Exactly your type. Instead, you realize of how much you miss Abby and how special she is to you. You look at your mobile and there's a text message from her "Going to bed, have fun... Love u xxx".

Elizabeth seems to be getting on fine with Josh, they dance all night. Chen's making out with her guy. You feel a little numb from the alcohol, Tom is giving you his phone number.

You decide to call it a night. You say goodbye to your friends and politely decline Tom's invitation to take you home.

You take a shower before going to bed. The frenetic rhythm of the music's still in your head and you can't fall asleep. It sucks not to have Abby right next to you.

* * *

You have a busy week, both of you. Only managed to spend Wednesday night together, at her place. _Steamy_.

It's kind of hard to stick to your rule of no fun at work, especially when Abby spends all day teasing you. Like today. You feel her eyes on you all the time. Across the ER, you look up and there she is ominously smiling at you; or in trauma 1 when you're both trying to control the bleeder and she's pressing her body against your back, her head over your shoulder, you feel your skin tingle.

She scares the hell out of you when she enters your office. She smirks, locks the door, shuts the curtains. "Abby, what are you doing?".

She takes off her lab coat and stethoscope, places them on the arm of the couch, comes around the desk, sits on your lap, straddling you "You know what they say about fantasies…", kisses you so eagerly you think you're going to explode.

"Freud believed unfulfilled sex fantasies led to many psychological disorders, like hysteria, for example…", you run your hands under her shirt.

"This is your fantasy?", she licks your upper lip, you pull her against you and kiss her. The chair squeaks.

She rolls her tongue in your ear… mmm, you love that "My fantasy is to fuck you here, on your desk…".

_This is crazy. We're going to get in trouble… _

She gets up, you do the same, Abby's unbuttoning your shirt, looks at you for a second before diving her head in your chest, her tongue licking between your breasts. You hold her head close then take hold of her hand and slide it inside your panties.

You have to hold it not to moan too loud, Abby's licks her way up your chest, neck and stops at your ear "I love how wet you get for me…".

She pulls your pants and underwear down, pushes you slowly until your back's on the desk and she rests your ankles on her shoulders, her hand caressing you slowly, making you writhing under it. She sits on your chair, comes closer, parts you legs and you feel her warm mouth around you. You don't remember coming for so long.

Abby leads you to the couch, you cuddle up against her, she runs her hand through your hair. "You're getting better, each day…" you smile against her chest.

"That's because I love making love to you…" she says, you look up and kiss her.

"I'll have to punish you for breaking the rules, though…" she chuckles when you bite her earlobe.

"Really? I can't wait for that…",

You playfully slap her thigh "You naughty girl…".

She moans quietly "Mmm… That was nice…".

You raise a brow "Oh, you liked that?". You kiss her once more "I'll keep that in mind…".

The rest of the day goes by and you're actually in the lounge talking to Abby when Jerry comes in and tells you that Kerry wants you in her office. "Now?! I'm off!" he shrugs at you and leaves.

Abby locks her locker and smiles "I'll come by at 8. Is chinese ok?."

"Chinese is great… See you!".

You knock at the door and enter. Kerry's looking at some papers, peeks at you over her glasses "Susan… please take a seat".

"I hope this isn't going take too long, Kerry, I'm already off!" you moan.

She smirks "I don't think so, I just need to ask you something, just a minute…" She scribbles her signature on some papers, places them on a pile and looks at you.

"The LA hotel sent us the bills but there's something that doesn't make sense…" she runs her eyes through the bills "Tell me, you stayed in room 322, right?".

You think before answering "Huh, yeah. I was in 322 and Abby was in 324…".

Weaver smiles "Exactly. So how come you ordered breakfast for two from room 324, Monday the 5th".

_Oh my God. This can't be happening. _

You try to stay calm but your heart is racing and you feel your blood pressure going up. "That must be some kind of mistake…" you say, your voice breaking, you feel your cheeks getting warm.

"Coincidently, the next day, Abby ordered two coffees and two apple pies from your room…". You feel your legs going numb.

"What's your point, Kerry? They probably just got our names mixed…". You were always a terrible liar and you know she's not buying any of it.

"My point is that either you kept trading rooms or you were sleeping together". Kerry leans back on her chair, her eyes piercing you.

You're hyperventilating. You can't think straight. "I can't believe you just said that!".

"Calm down, Susan. Although I find it particularly _interesting_, I have to remind you that Abby is an intern and you know there are rules against relationships between interns and superiors, right?".

You just want to kill her.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Kerry! And I refuse to discuss my private life!", you get up abruptly and open the door.

"We'll discuss this when you calm down!" you hear her crying out.

You sit inside your car for a while. You're so nervous, you think you're going to throw up.

This can't be happening. Until a moment ago, your life seemed perfect… now, you just don't know what to do.

You know that Kerry's not the gossiping type but the fact that she knows will make your life more difficult. Thank God you assigned Pratt as Abby's supervisor.

Abby. What are you going to tell her? How? You don't want her to be known as someone who sleeps her way to the top. She doesn't deserve that. Because, that's what people will say, people are mean. You see it everyday. No one will believe that you truly love each other.

When Abby arrives, you try to act as normal as possible. You're obviously going to tell her but you want to sort things out with Kerry first.

Being around her is so nice that you almost stop thinking about it. You even laugh a little when she feeds you with her chopsticks and kisses you, tasting like sweet-and-sour.

She does ask you a few times if something's wrong but you just tell her you're tired.

But when in bed, Abby starts foreplay you realize you can't do this to her. It's not fair to be making love to her, when your head's somewhere else.

She realizes your unusual lack of enthusiasm, stops kissing you, caresses your cheek "What's wrong, Susan? You've been… distant all evening…".

At first you try to deny it "Huh, it's nothing, I'm just tired, really…" you smile in reassurance. She looks at you quietly, pulls away and lies on her side, looking at the ceiling. "Did I do something wrong? You were fine at the hospital…".

You prop yourself on your elbow "You did nothing wrong. You're wonderful...".

She sits on the bed "I know you. Something's wrong and you don't want to tell me. You don't trust me?".

"You know I do…" you hug her, being in her arms is so soothing.

She kisses the top of your head, asks you softly "Tell me what's going on, sweetie, please…".

You lean your back against the headboard, take a deep breath "Kerry found out".

At first she doesn't get it. "Found out what? What are you talking about?".

"About us, Abby. She knows about us…". You look at Abby, her eyes widen in shock, she looks at you dumbfounded.

After a few seconds, she asks "How does she know?".

"She got the hotel bills from LA and noticed we ordered from each other's rooms…".

"What did you say?", she's still in shock.

"I denied it at first, then I told her it wasn't her business… I bolted out. I didn't want you to know before I had a plan or something…" you shrug.

She looks at you for a moment "So you weren't going to tell me?".

"I didn't want you to worry… you have your presentations coming up…", you trail off. She nods, then looks you in the eye.

"You don't have to be the strong one always, Susan. Who's gonna take care of you?" she pulls you to a hug and you feel instantly better.

"I'll talk to Kerry. We get along fine, I'm sure she won't make a fuss about this..." she says while patting your hair.

"I love you so much… I don't want to lose you…" you mumble in her ear and kiss her cheek.

Abby holds your face in her hands, looks deeply in your eyes, the way only she does. "You're not going to lose me… We love each other, we're together, it's simple and no one gets in the way of that…".


	15. Tension

**Chapter 15- Tension**

Pratt's really getting on your nerves. Always giving orders, swamping you with lab samples, always testing you. You're rearranging charts when Carter appears with his own pile, sighing "How's it going?" he sits on Jerry's chair, stretches his neck.

"I'm Pratt's scut-machine!" you whine.

"I wish Ray was like you… The guy is never on time, always wants to leave early…", he rests is legs on the counter, Jing-Mei joins you "I hate med students!".

"What happened?" you ask, she sips at her soda "These ones are hopeless! Don't know a thing…".

Carter teases "That's the point, Deb, you have to teach them! Remember how clueless you were? I had to teach you everything!".

"Shut up, John…", she punches him playfully in the arm. They keep on fighting for a while, you laugh at them, until you see Pratt "I wonder what he wants now…".

"Are the labs, back?" you see him eyeing up Chen.

"Still waiting…".

Carter goes to Exam 1, Jing-Mei's erasing a name from the board.

"Ok, go have lunch. I want you back in an hour…" He usually only gives you half an hour, you obviously don't remind him of that.

You go get your coat and purse and you take a peek at Trauma 2 where Neela and Susan are working on a patient. You go back to the nurses' station where Pratt's now trying to smooth Chen, but she keeps on telling him to leave her alone.

When you enter Ike's you spot Kerry. Now, that's luck, you've been meaning to talk to her since the other day.

"Hi Kerry…" she's distracted reading the paper.

"Abby, hi! Please take a seat!".

After you order your food, Kerry closes her paper and waits for you to speak.

"How's Henry?" You're really getting nervous.

She grins "He's great, keeps me busy!".

You decide to be straight-forward "I wanted to talk to you…", Kerry leans on her chair.

"The door of my office is always open to you, Abby", she jokes.

"I know. But I wanted to talk to Kerry, not to Dr Weaver…" she smiles, then takes a sip at her juice.

"Look… I know you know. Susan told me. I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't talk about this with anyone…", you mouth feels dry.

"Me, of all people? You forget I went down that road, before…" Kerry gives you a comforting smile, you feel a little less nervous.

"Thanks. Susan was really nervous…" you trail off.

She leans in "I have to confess one thing: I love to wind her up. When I realized you were together, I just _had_ to throw her a life line, just to see her face!", Kerry chuckles.

"But… I do have concerns. You are an intern and relationships aren't allowed…".

"That's a stupid rule, Kerry, you know it!" you pause when the waitress brings you your hamburger.

"Those rules exist to protect the interns…".

"Oh come on, I'm a big girl! It's not like she's molesting me…".

Kerry nods, "The problem is that Susan will have to grade you…".

"I've been working here long enough to know that relationships between interns and residents and even med students aren't that uncommon…Besides, in a few months, I'll no longer be an intern…".

"I'll discuss the terms of your evaluation with her. So… How long have you guys been together?", you can see she's dying for details.

"Since that party after you offered her the position…".

"That long? I hadn't noticed anything…".

You lie shamelessly "We try to be discreet at work…".

"You should be. It's not easy and if you're not sure…".

You cut her off "We're sure. We just don't want our private life to be scrutinized by the whole hospital".

"I'm sorry but I have to ask: how did this happen? As far as I knew, both of you were straight…".

You smirk "So were you! I don't know, Kerry. She makes me feel good…" you blush.

Kerry smiles and looks at her hands like she was given too much information.

"Personally I'm happy for you two, but as chief of Staff I have to make sure your relationship doesn't disturb our routines…".

"You've known Susan longer than me… She's one of the most honest and fair people that I know".

She nods, finishes her orange juice "I'll talk to her… We'll think of something".

It was a good conversation, at least it went better than you thought it would. You look at the clock, you still have 30 minutes. You're thinking about nothing when you see Luka approaching you. He asks if he can join you.

After he orders, he smiles "How's it going? You and Pratt?".

You sigh "Drives me crazy…what about your med students? Any good?".

"Not too bad… They're a bit green but they're hard working. Guess I was lucky… Chen's not so pleased with hers!".

You chuckle "Yeah, she told me that Harold guy told her that he wasn't _comfortable_ dealing with homeless patients!".

You observe him while he's devouring his cheeseburger. Your relationship was far from perfect but you had some good times. You remember when Carter dumped you, you secretly hoped to rekindle things with him. You now know it would have been wrong. You just didn't want to be alone. You're glad you stayed single for a while. Gave you time to move on, to sort your life out and finish med school.

"How are things with Sam?" you ask.

He gives you a look before swallowing the last bit. "Trouble in paradise, uh?" you tease.

"Women are very complicated… I'll never understand…" he muses.

"What happened?" you frown.

"She says she doesn't want to have any more kids… I thought every woman dreamed of a family…".

"Not every woman… And she has Alex, already…". You're sorry for him. You genuinely want him to be happy.

He shrugs, finishes his drink. "And you? Anyone new in your life?".

God, you hate when people ask you this. You can't say "Yeah, I'm dating Susan, we're very happy!" Neela asked you exactly the same question a few days ago.

"I'm good" that's all you answer.

He smiles "I'm happy for you, then!".

You two go back to the hospital, Susan's at the admit desk, on the phone "That's not my problem, I'm sending him upstairs anyway!".

Luka goes to the lounge, you go talk to her.

"You had lunch with Luka?".

You smile at her "Jealous?".

She looks around "A little, yeah…".

"I can have dinner with you, if you want…".

You gesture her to follow you to the empty suture room.

"I talked to Weaver…".

Her eyes widen "What did she say?".

"She's just worried about you having to grade me…".

Susan nods, still looks worried. You caress her cheek "It's going to be okay…".

"Do you like mexican food?" she asks out of the blue.

You frown, then nod "huh, yeah…".

"Good. I'll pick you up at 7.30, ok?".

You chuckle "Ok".

"We never go out…".

"I like staying in…" you lean closer and steal her a kiss.

She shakes her head playfully "I'll see you later then…".

The rest of the afternoon goes uneventful. Just a few patients which is good, gives you time to work on your trauma presentation. You're on the lounge, when Neela comes in and lies on the couch "I don't think I'm gonna survive today…".

"Only two more hours to go…" you encourage her.

"Speak for yourself! I'm on a double… I shouldn't have switched with Ray…" she sighs.

"What's going on with him, these days? He's always late, trying to change shifts…".

"Apparently his band has some gigs…" she covers her head with her arms "Do you think Lewis will mind if I crash out here for an hour?".

You shrug "The ER's dead…".

After a while, you go to the ambulance bay for a smoke. You sit on the bench, watch the paramedics wash their rigs. You see Susan, she's talking on the phone. The executive look really suits her. She smiles when she sees you looking at her. She joins you after the call "Feeling anti-social?".

"Just having a cigarette… Are you off?", you step on the butt to stub it out.

"Yeah, I'm on my way out… you?", she releases her hair from the collar of her shirt.

"One more hour to go…".

"I could tell Pratt to let you go earlier, everything is under control…".

You smile "Thanks, but it's okay… You look really beautiful, today…".

She smiles coyly "Thank you…".

"It's the shirt, suits your eyes…".

She blushes. You feel the urge to kiss her but you know you'll get the opportunity later.

"See you later…" you watch her leave, she turns around once, smiles and you grin at her.

The smile is still there after her car disappears. You're not usually like this. You love how she changes you.

You see Pratt approaching you and you mentally start to elaborate an excuse to why you're outside doing nothing. Surprisingly, he doesn't say anything, just sits next to you, elbows on his lap, his head on his hands. "You're ok?".

He looks at you, leans back, "I think I messed up…".

"…With a patient?". You don't remember any major cases today.

He chuckles silently "No, with Jing-Mei. I never seen her this mad…".

First Luka, now Pratt. You're becoming County's love counsellor.

"What happened?".

"She always said she didn't want to get too serious, you know, be exclusive… So the other day I told her I had a date and she went crazy… now she won't talk to me…"

It's so strange to see him upset like that. "Do you love her?".

He looks at you for a moment "I don't know if I love her… I like her a lot, we have fun together… She's great in bed!".

_Old Pratt is back…_

"Ok, Pratt, I don't need details! Why don't you tell her all this? That you want to be with her?".

"She doesn't want to talk to me… Any chance you could have a word with her? I mean, you guys are friends, maybe she'll listen to you…".

You're feeling sorry for him, he's not a bad guy, just needs to improve his attitude. "Sure, I can try…".

You both stand up, go inside.

When you're closing your locker, Carter comes in "Have you seen Susan?".

"Went home…".

"Oh shit! I had to give her these!" he waves some papers.

You assume those are important papers, by the look on his face.

"You know, I'm meeting her later, if you want I can give them for you…".

Carter looks at you for a moment "You're meeting her later?".

_God, what's his problem? _

"Huh, yeah… Why are you so surprised?" you laugh at him.

"Nothing… She told me she had a date tonight…" he trails off.

_Oh shit._

"She has but I'm meeting her before her date!". Thank god he's the most gullible person on earth.

"Oh, ok!" he laughs.

You gesture at the documents "So, do you want me to give them to her?".

"I can't give them to you, they're confidential…".

You shoot him a look.

He rolls his eyes at you "It's Ray's evaluation, I can't give it to you…".

"Whatever… See you tomorrow, then!".

"Bye!".

When she arrives you're still in the middle of the process of changing clothes, you welcome her in your underwear "I'm a little late…" you return to your room.

She follows you and sits on the edge of your bed "Hurry up, I'm hungry!".

You pull up your jeans and you're still unsure about which shirt to wear. Susan comes behind you, plants a kiss on your neck, then another one and another…

"You're not helping…" you remove her hands from your belly, turn around and kiss her quickly.

"Just that?" she pouts, you draw her closer and slide your tongue between her lips, tasting, teasing her.

"Mmm, that's much better…".

You go and get your new red shirt. Susan agrees that it looks good on you and while you're dressing you remember "Oh, I almost forgot… the building's being fumigated, can I stay at your place tomorrow?".

She smiles "Sure!".

"It's just for a couple of days…".

She throws her arms around your neck "I can't wait…".

You kiss.

* * *

Susan laughs when you ask how she can eat such spicy food without flinching.

"You forgot I lived in Arizona? I used to eat mexican all the time. I'm immune to it!".

"Next time, I'll choose!" you say before gulping down another glass of water.

You tell her about Pratt and Jing-Mei and she tells you that she slept with some guy the other night they went clubbing. "But she loves him… in her own way…".

"Oh, Carter was looking for you. He wanted to give you Ray's evaluation. I told him I could hand it to you… I mentioned I was meeting you".

"You told Carter we were having dinner? Damn, I told him I had a date!" she looks concerned.

"Relax, I told him it was before your date… but he looked funny…" Susan's looking at her plate.

"Susan, why would Carter think we're dating? He knows we hang out as friends…".

"Well, he knows I'm seeing someone… a woman" she says sheepishly.

You don't want to believe what you just heard "What? You told Carter about us?".

"I didn't tell him about us. I told him that I had sex with a woman and that I was in a relationship with that person…" she smiles weakly.

"But why?! Why did you feel the need to talk to him, of all people?!" you put your fork down, you don't feel hungry anymore.

"He's my friend! And when it all started, we weren't speaking properly, I guess I just needed someone to talk to… But I never mentioned your name, he thinks it's someone from outside the hospital…".

"And why didn't you tell me he knew this? How many times have I flirted with you in front of him? And I'm supposed to be the one who doesn't communicate!". You can't even look straight at her right now. Man, how can she omit something like that?

"I'm sorry, Abby… you're right, I should have told you. I just didn't think it was relevant…".

* * *

On your way back home, you're both silent. Susan occasionally looks and smiles at you. Then asks you if the music's okay "You can change it, if you want…".

She's starting to get on your nerves "The music's fine. It's not like I'm paying attention to it".

"God Abby, I already apologized, would you drop it?!" she looks impatiently at the lights.

"I just don't get how you forget to mention important things, especially when they involve us!".

"I don't inquire you about what you talk about with Neela or Luka…".

"Don't turn tables on me, neither do I! And I never said anything about us to anyone…".

She parks her car in front of your building. As you're about to open the car door, you feel her hand on your arm "Abby… Can I come in?".

"My head aches… maybe we should talk tomorrow…".

You switch the lights on, your apartment feels cold, you notice you left the window open. You close it and realize Susan's car still in the same place. A few seconds later, you hear her knocking lightly at the door.

"I'm sorry" she says.

After you close the door, you tell her that you're not really angry, just disappointed that she doesn't seem to trust you much "The other day you wouldn't tell me about Weaver, now this… I don't like to be treated like a china doll, you know?".

She looks at you for a second then pushes you against the wall and kisses you very hard, so hard that it almost hurts. She's pressing herself against you, you feel a little crushed between her and the wall but you don't tell her to stop. You don't want her to stop.

She kisses your chin, neck, jaw line and her hands are busy unbuttoning your jeans "You drive me crazy…" she murmurs while her fingers probe within you . You gasp, you're wet but not that much and she kind of forces her fingers inside you. The burning soon becomes good pain and you feel your knees go numb, you slide down the wall but Susan grabs your chin and pulls you up roughly until you make eye contact. You've never seen her like that, her eyes so full of lust and desire and her hand still griping your chin "I love you…" she says panting, you push yourself hard against her fingers and that's it. You let out a low but very long moan and you feel like your lower body is melting, Susan removes her hand from inside you and pulls you in her arms.

You stay like that for a long time, until your back is really cold from the wall and you move away from it.

"I always loved make up sex…" you say softly into her hair.

She kisses your cheek "We're okay then?".

"I'm more than okay… I'm sorry I overreacted…".

"No, you were right" she leans her forehead against yours "It's not that I don't trust you, I do, but sometimes I try to protect you because I don't want you to worry… I just want you to be happy…".

You hold her at arms length "I haven't been this happy in a long time… and that's mostly because I feel equal in this relationship and that's the first time it happens to me…Before, I would always think the other person was too good for me…".

She leans down and brushes your lips "I constantly think I don't deserve you…", you smile back at her.

She follows you to the kitchen, you put the kettle on.

You feel her against your back, her arms around you "That was some sexy moaning you did back there…" she whispers in your ear.

"You know what you do to me…" you turn in her arms. She's so pretty. Really pretty. And to think you didn't like her when you met her.

"I didn't like you when I first met you…" you smile.

"You were a total bitch" she laughs.

"I know… I guess I was a little jealous. You were everyone's darling and Carter was following you around like a puppy…" you kiss her nose.

"But when I was attacked I realized I couldn't hate such a nice person who was holding out her hand to me like that…".

"You would have the done the same…".

"And after that stupid seminar I knew we would be friends…".

"Great story for the grandchildren!" she laughs.

You pour the tea in two mugs and hand one to Susan and you sit next to her on the couch.

"Wanna stay over?" you say after you two finish your tea.

She gestures you to come closer, you sit on her lap, kiss her hair.

"That's a very tempting offer, but I have to wake up early tomorrow… yoga class."

You pull her to a kiss, a really nice, sexy one "I'll set the alarm…".

"We can be together tomorrow, you're still sleeping over right?" you let her stand up.

"Yep… but I'm on the graveyard shift…" you whine.

Susan goes for her purse then takes a key from a key ring "There… so you won't have to wait to get inside…".

You walk her to the door and try, unsuccessfully, to convince her to stay with your lips.

You light a cigarette while you watch her car disappearing into the night. You look up, the moon is almost full. You should go to bed, but your brain is buzzing. The end of your backbone hurts, you bumped it hard against the wall when she was fucking you, you stroke it and stub out the butt in the ashtray.

You turn the computer on and decide to check your e-mail. Susan sent you one. It's your LA photos. You download the file and you smile at your face on the screen- you were telling her to stop. Then those beautiful pictures in the beach, the ones where you're kissing. The others you took in bed, naked. There's Susan half covering herself with the sheet her left breast showing, so sexy. You smile at the various pictures of your bare back and ass. And your lips blowing smoke, you don't remember her taking that one. But you remember what she said when she took the last one where you're smiling sweetly against the pillow, your hair falling to your face.

_I love you. _


	16. Better than yoga

**Chapter 16- Better than yoga**

"Oh great…" you moan when you check the time.

You had planned to get up early, do your laundry, go to the grocery. But Abby's building is being fumigated and she came here after her night shift and was strangely full of energy and well…

She rolls, burrows her head in your neck, mumbles something. You lay there for a moment petting her hair until you decide to get up and do something. You have a swing shift and a million things to do around the house before that.

You try to disengage from Abby, trying to not wake her but she's a light sleeper and stirs "where you going…".

"It's ok, go back to sleep…", you pull the sheets and search for the shirt and shorts you had when you came to bed yesterday.

You watch the bright sun from your living room, decide to open the window, letting the sunshine in. Your neighbor's cat's stretching in the sun, you do the same. You take care of the laundry, wash some dishes and after your obligatory cup of coffee, you burn some incense sticks and decide to meditate.

Sat on the lotus position on the rug carpet you work on your breathing, feeling the sunlight enveloping you. You don't know how long you stay like that, but you do some exercises too.

_Downward Facing Dog… inhale…_

You stretch your arms and legs and take a long breath in. You concentrate on your balance, stretch all your muscles.

_Plank and exhale_… You lower your body and let all the air and tension out.

You return to Downward Facing Dog, this time you stretch your right leg back and inhale slowly.

"I love your ass in those shorts!".

You jerk in surprise and lose your balance "Shit Abby! You want to kill me?!".

She smiles "What?".

"Don't do that again, I was concentrated… Jesus, I could have a coronary!".

She shrugs and lies on the couch, her legs in the air "Ok, sorry… don't mind me…".

You try again and stretch your body, but she's chuckling, you shoot her a look.

"I'm sorry! I just didn't know that yoga could be so sexy!" she tries to muffle her laughs.

You want to look angry but you can't "Yoga is about spirituality I don't see anything sexy about that…", you go back to the lotus position and take a deep breath in.

But obviously you can't focus when you know she's looking at you with that predatory look. "I can't do this with you looking at me like that!".

She smirks, comes crawling to you "Like that?", she stops just a few inches from your face then smiles and lean in. Gives you a soft peck "Good morning".

You drop the act and just enjoy the moment "Did you sleep well?" you smile.

She nods and leans in again.

"Someone woke up all perky today…" you smile against her lips.

She pushes you down gently on the carpet, leans on her elbow, runs her hand through your hair, kisses your neck, you feel her pulling your shirt up.

"Abby… the window's open…" you try to reason, but when she does that with her tongue in your clavicle, oh god. You run your hands under her t-shirt, feeling her bareback.

"I know… I find it a turn-on…" she whispers in your ear, before biting your earlobe.

You get hold of her face and she plunges her tongue inside your mouth, her hands tugging at your shorts, until you raise your hips and she throws them on the couch.

The way she looks at you arouses you so much. And she knows it, never breaking eye contact as she draws invisible circles around your breast, never seeming to achieve your nipple… you shift under her fingertips and Abby smiles before lowering her lips and pressing them hard against your sternum, then licking all the way down to your left nipple. You exhale when she nibbles the nub while her hand draws circles around your clitoris. She looks up and kisses your chin "I want you to relax, ok?".

You nod at her, feeling nervous, all of a sudden. You've tried this before, but she always gets stuck and it's disappointing because you really wanted to do this. It's like the ultimate level of intimacy.

Abby kneels and kisses you softly "I'm gonna get the lube, ok?".

"Ok…" you close your eyes and take a deep breath.

She comes back and kneels between your legs, hovers over you, looking you in the eyes "Tell me if I hurt you, ok?".

You smile at her "You won't. I trust you…".

Those puppy eyes smile at you "I'm very lucky to have you…".

You feel your heart melting, you pull her closer to you, her breasts rubbing against you and you don't care if the neighbors can see you, you just let Abby take over and kiss you and make you feel great.

You've always loved to feel a man's stubble against your skin but what you love more about kissing a woman, about kissing Abby, is how soft it is. Her lips and tongue feel so velvety like on yours that she could get you off just with that. And the faint sounds she makes, reinforcing that she loves kissing you is so… you don't even know what it is.

By now, Abby's busy twisting her tongue at your entrance. You don't know how she does it, just that it feels great and you feel getting wetter and wetter. She slides in a finger and keeps stroking you with her tongue and lips, until you're shaking and you beg her to add more fingers.

She obliges and adds two more, you feel yourself twitching around her. She kneels and comes closer "Are you ok?" she asks sweetly.

"I'm great… go on… I want to feel your hand in me…" you could clearly see Abby react to those words, like it turned her on even more.

She removes her fingers and you sigh at the sudden emptiness. Watching Abby coat her fingers with lube turns out to be strangely erotic, she smiles at you and leans on her other elbow, brushing your cheek with her lips while you feel her slippery hand trying to enter you.

The first three fingers slip in easily. You moan when she pushes them in and circles your clit with her thumb. "Abby… Oh my…", you feel her licking your earlobe, moaning in your ear.

She joins her pinky and stays still for a moment until you slowly start moving around her fingers "Relax Susan, let it go…". Abby looks at you concerned, she's probably afraid to hurt you. You want to tell her that she's far from hurting you, but can't find your voice.

You feel her squeezing her fingers together, trying to get her thumb in. Her fingertips brush a sensitive zone and you think you're going to explode right now "Oh…".

Abby takes this as a clue and forces her thumb in and all you feel is your muscles tensing tight around her. "Oh my god!", you gasp and grip Abby closer to you, digging your nails in her back. She gasps too "Oh my… Susan…". She's breathing hard against you, lifts her head to watch your reaction when she twists her knuckles inside you or whatever she's doing.

You let yourself drift away on the feeling of her hand inside you, then you start to rotate your hips, as the need starts to spiral along your spine…

"You're beautiful like this…" she whispers. You hear her but can't answer back, like you're floating outside your body and when she bites your neck and stretches her fingers inside you, you feel your whole body spasming in a fire-like intensity and it goes on for so long that it doesn't seem real. Your vision goes white before you pass out from the overwhelming pleasure.

When you open your eyes, Abby's caressing your cheek, looking concerned "Oh my god… Are you ok?".

You look around, still dizzy and you notice the window's now closed.

"That was…" you trail off and pull Abby to your arms.

"See, I'm better than yoga" she whispers sweetly.

You look at her for a moment "I never felt something like this…".

"Thank you for trusting me like that… It means a lot to me, really…", she says kissing your forehead.

"I really want to repay you, but I'm not even sure if I can move…", your legs are still numb.

"Some other time…".

You're still breathing faster than normally, but you feel the effects of the orgasm starting to wear off. You feel now completely sated and relaxed. "How I am supposed to go to work after this?", you smile at Abby.

"You could call in sick…" she wiggles her brows.

"You know I can't… plus, I've got a meeting. Corday's being appointed today…" Abby stands up and stretches her hands at you, you accept her help and stand up, still feeling a little unsteady.

* * *

When you arrive at the hospital, Jerry tells you that Weaver called twice. Well, you'll have to face her someday, the sooner the better.

After her new assistant asks you a thousand questions, you enter her office.

"Susan. Please take a seat".

"Your new assistant is very thorough…" you settle yourself in the chair.

"Sorry about that, it's his first week…". She closes whatever she's reading and faces you "So, we need to talk, don't you think?

You try to guess what she's gonna say. You can't. She could be dictating charts to you with that same expression.

"I don't know what to say to you, Kerry… It happened…" you look at your hands, you feel so intimidated.

"I'm concerned about Abby's evaluation. You are aware that it is completely unethical to be grading someone with whom you are romantically involved, right?". You hate when she talks to you like you're five years-old.

"It's not like I'm going to evaluate her by myself! Interns are evaluated by attendings and the chief resident…".

"The final word is yours, Susan". You two look at each other.

"What do you suggest, then?".

She runs a hand through her hair, sits straight "I can supervise her evaluation".

"That's not your call, Kerry! It would undermine my authority in front of the others!".

"You should have thought of that before, don't you think?"

_God, __I want to strangle her._

"You don't have many options, Susan. It's either that or…" she trails off.

"Or what?".

"Or you might considerer distancing yourself from Abby" She doesn't look you in the eye.

"I can't do that, Kerry. I… I love her." You just look at her, you feel your eyes burning. You close them, the last thing you want is to cry in front of Weaver.

She sighs "This is complicated, Susan. If anyone from the Board ears about this, I could be in trouble for not reporting…". You know she's right.

"Ok, you take over her evaluation", you surrender.

"Look Susan, I'm not doing this just to be a pain the ass…".

"I know. I know. You're right. Just… I would appreciate if you didn't mention this to anyone…".

"Don't worry" There's silence for a few seconds before Kerry smiles and says "But I do think you make a nice couple!".

You blush "Huh… Thanks…". You look at the clock "We should get going…".

At the meeting, everyone from the board agrees about Elizabeth being the best choice for chief of Surgery. Everyone but Kayson who after all these years still hasn't accepted the fact that you turned him down once when you were a resident and keeps giving you dirty looks. He retreats when he sees that everyone voted for her and Anspaugh finally makes the final decision. It's funny to see how many female chiefs County has now. When you were a med student, they were all men. Now apart from you and Corday, there's Coburn on OB/Gyn, Upson on Pathology, Collins on ICU and Kerry's the big boss. Times are changing.

Things are actually running smoothly in the ER, you check the board, notice Ray's name not on. "Jerry, why hasn't Barnett any patients?".

"Huh, he's not in yet…"

_Just one hour late, then._

"Page him for me, please".

Jerry never has to, you spot Ray entering through the ambulance bay.

"Barnett, a word please" you gesture him to follow you to an empty exam room.

"I'm sorry Dr Lewis…".

You cut him off "I don't want to hear your apologies, Ray. You're never on time, you're always trying to change shifts with everyone… what the hell is going on with you?!".

"I had a concert last night and I fell asleep, I tried to change with Neela but…".

"That has to stop too. I spend a lot of time organizing the schedule so that all the interns have a varied experience in the ER. When you change shifts with someone, you upset that balance and when you arrive late, it means someone has to stay here longer!".

"I know, I'm sorry… But this gig was really important...".

"Medicine is not a hobby! If you're not sure this is what you want to do, then, you shouldn't be here." He just looks at you sheepishly, then nods.

"I'm sorry, won't happen again".

"I hope so. You have 4 patients waiting for you" you say before leaving the room.

You hate having to do this, but you sometimes get the feeling that no one takes you seriously if you don't act like that.

You see Pratt and Chen laughing by the nurses station and you go to the lounge.

You're signing some charts when Jing-Mei enters "Hey there".

"Hi… glad to see the two lovebirds made up…" you joke.

She sits opposite you, sighs "What can I say? He's a jerk, but I like him…". She asks about Chuck, you tell her you haven't seen him in a long time. He left a message on your machine a few days ago, but you didn't call back. What are you supposed to tell him?

It's past midnight when you get home. You take a peek, she's sleeping. You eat something, read the paper and Morris' weekly report. You don't know how someone who doesn't know how to spell "anesthetize" can be chief resident. Your eyes sting, you decide to go to bed. Before that you take a shower. You're still sore from what Abby did to you earlier. That was the most erotic experience of your life.

You towel-dry your hair and put on your pajamas. You sneak in bed, she's on her side, you cuddle up close to her, a hand on her hip. She stirs "What time is it?".

"It's late, go back to sleep…", her deep exhalation tells you she's sound asleep again.

You think you could get used to this: Abby everyday in your house, in your bed, in your life.


	17. Ice, ice baby

**Chapter 17- Ice, ice baby**

The two days at her place ended up being a week. You surrendered to the fact that you hadn't anymore clean clothes and that wearing scrubs at work everyday would be suspicious.

Your apartment smells stale, you open the window and light up a cigarette. It's been a while since you had one. Susan never said anything about it, but you know non-smokers don't like their places "smelling like ashtrays".

The phone rings.

"Hello?".

"Abby, dear! It's mom!".

You know most people feel happy when their parents call, you feel nervous when your mom calls. Which is sad, you know.

"Is everything okay, mom?".

"Jesus Abby, relax…".

"Sorry… How are you?".

You know it's horrible, but you always get the feeling something wrong is going to happen.

"I'm great honey and you? You sound tired!".

"I _am_ tired. I'm ok, mom. I'm great…", you sit on the couch.

"You never call, when was the last time we talked?".

You flinch, you know she's right "I'm sorry… I've been incredibly busy, pulling lots of night shifts…".

You realize you've been neglecting your mom, brother, friends since you're with her.

She laughs "All work, no fun? Are you dating someone?".

_Great_.

"Mom…".

"Well, I don't understand how an attractive girl like you doesn't have a boyfriend!".

"Yeah, I'm breaking hearts all over Chicago" you answer deadpan.

"Well, _I_ have a boyfriend" she declares in a faux-coy tone.

"You what?".

"You could sound a little more happy!".

You sigh.

"Well, are _you_ happy? I'm happy if you are".

"He's fantastic, Abby! You're going to love him! He has his own business, we met in tango class… You should see him dancing, he's so sexy…".

You cut her off "Since when you're into tango dancing?".

"I told you the last time we spoke! Well, anyway I'm calling because I want you to meet him… he proposed!".

_Oh God_.

"What?!".

"Yes! I know! It's unbelievable isn't it?".

By now, you're not really listening to her anymore.

"Okay. Stop. What did you say?" you ask.

"I said yes, of course!"

_Let's do this differently._

"How long have you known this guy?".

"Oh, I don't know… five months? We've been together for 3 months and I'm so in love!".

"Mom, listen to me. You're marrying a guy you've known for _five_ months?! Are you serious?!".

"Jesus Abby, is it that hard to be happy for me?! I'm so happy!".

You take a deep breath in.

"Have you talked to Eric?".

"Your brother's being very supportive" she says icily.

"Look, what do you want me to say? You call me to say you're getting married out of the blue…".

"Actually I wanted to ask you if you want to spend Christmas with me and Bob… Your brother will be in Mexico, but we could still do something…".

_So his name is Bob._

"Huh… I'm not sure how my schedule will be …".

"Well, Bob and I have been wanting to take a few days off, we could visit… Chicago is so beautiful in December" she muses.

Right now you're panicking.

"Huh… you mean, staying in my place?".

"Well if that's such an inconvenient we can find a hotel!".

"It's not that, mom! I would love to spend Christmas with you, but I don't know if I'll be working…"

You'd love to spend Christmas with her. With her and Eric. Not with Bob, the Tango dancer.

"Fine, you'll let me know when you know your schedule… If you want us to be together, if you don't, you can tell me".

"No, I want, mom. I do. I'll let you know when I get my December schedule, ok?".

"Ok, sweetie. Take care of yourself ok?".

"You too, mom… bye".

"I love you, bye".

_Eric's being supportive. Is he crazy or what?_ You decide to call him.

_Hi, this is Eric. I can't talk to you right now, but leave a message and I'll call you back._

"Hi Eric, it's Abby. Huh… Maggie called to inform me about her wedding plans… I don't know what to think… Do you think she's okay? Well, call me, ok? I miss you".

Ok. She wants to get married, that's great. Why can't you be happy for her? Maybe, _this _time things will work fine. Maybe that Bob is a great guy who'll treat her right. Maybe.

* * *

The room is full of residents and attendings.

Ray wanted to go first. Apparently, Susan told him off and he wants to impress her. She doesn't seem very impressed by his presentation. You notice Weaver next to Susan. She whispers something to her. You know she's here to "supervise your evaluation". You don't usually get nervous with these presentations, but knowing that you're being graded by the chief of staff, doesn't help either.

You go next. Susan gives you a little smile and nods her head.

Weaver's taking notes and looking at you over her glasses, could she be anymore obvious?

At the end, she asks you a thousand questions. Everyone looks. She didn't ask anything to the other interns. You try to answer them all, the best you can.

Susan's glaring at her "We should proceed, don't you think, Kerry?".

You go sit next to Neela.

"What the hell was that with Weaver?" she asks, surprised.

"I don't know… Must be in a bad mood", you shrug.

Morris, who's behind you, pats your shoulder "You were great, Abs!".

"Don't call me Abs!" you hiss back.

* * *

You're looking at some x-rays in radiology when Susan enters "You're here…".

She looks upset "I told her not to do that again. How are you?" she leans closer.

"I'm okay, don't worry about that…" you smile.

"You don't look okay to me…" she whispers.

You tell her about your mother. She laughs, "Sorry…", regains her composure.

"Well, if it makes you feel better, Chloe's coming for Xmas too… She and my dad are always fighting, should be fun!", she lifts your chin to make you look at her. "Seriously, don't worry, everything will turn out fine".

"I wish I could be sure of that".

"If things turn out too crazy, we can always lock our freak relatives together and flee somewhere!", she chuckles.

"Thank you… for everything".

She smiles at you with that smile "Stop that or I'll have to kiss you…".

"I wouldn't mind that…".

* * *

"Where are we going?" you don't want to be a pain in the ass, but after a day like today, you just wish she'd take you home.

"Surprise…".

"I hate surprises…" you lean your head against the car's window.

She parks her car near Millennium Park.

"So… this is your idea of a hot date?" you ask, trying not to slip as you step into the ice rink.

"Oh, don't be such a grouch!" she says, swirling around you.

Ice skating was never really your thing. You try to look as though you do it everyday, but you're trying hard just to stay on your feet.

Susan's all hyper, skating away "I haven't done this in years!".

"Well… me too!" you grumble, still grasping the border of the rink. You decide to have a cigarette, just to calm down.

"YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN HERE!" someone yells at you while you take the first puff in. Oh damn.

_Ok Abby, come on, this is not that hard. _

You look at the five years olds around you who look like they were born with the damn ice skates on.

"Do you want me to hold your hand?", Susan suddenly appears behind you, her hand on your back.

"No, I'm fine! It's just a long time since I last stepped into an ice rink…", you say while straightening your legs.

"I used to do this all the time… Ok, come here, let yourself go…". Susan holds you by the waist. You flinch at her touch and she notices.

"What?".

"Nothing…".

"Oh, come on…", she keeps her hands around you.

"Well, I don't care what people say. Besides, we're not doing anything wrong…" she says.

"I didn't say anything".

"You don't need to…".

"I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable with you touching me in public…" you admit.

"This is not _touching_" she scoffs. She holds you tight, pressing herself on your back "_This _is touching…", she slurs.

"Susan!", you try to disengage from her, but you almost fall flat in your face.

She laughs and offers her hand in support.

"I can do it!" you insist stubbornly.

You start skating away in small slides.

_It's not that difficult_.

You're actually starting to enjoy it when your left skate hits a bumpy place and… bang!

You don't move for a few seconds, you feel your body aching and you clothes are starting to get wet.

You see Susan's face upside down "Are you okay?".

"Huh… I fell…", you try to sit.

"I can see that… Ok, don't move… Let me take a look…" she says while checking your back.

"I'm ok… Just a bad fall, that's all…". Your ass is killing you.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have insisted…" she bites her lower lip while helping you up.

"I'm just not very sporty…" you chuckle, she strokes your cheek.

_Fucking dykes!!_

You both look around and see some sleazy punks laughing.

"Fuck off!" Susan shouts at them.

"You see? That's what I meant…" you're both stepping out of the rink, she gestures you to sit on the bench. Your lower back hurts. She kneels down and unties the knots of your skates, your feet feel free, at last.

* * *

In the lights on your way home, Susan pats your knee "I'm sorry… I wanted you to have a good time, to relax…".

You hold her hand "It was fun. Until I fell, that is…".

You lie on your couch as soon as you get in your apartment.

"Ok, let me have a look…", Susan sits next to you.

"I'm ok, it's just a bruise…".

"You might have injured your coccyx, let me take a look…", she says, lifting your shirt.

"Susan, I'm fine!".

"Don't be bashful! It's not like I've never seen your ass…".

You have to laugh at that one "Ok…".

You lay on your stomach while Susan feels your bones "Seems okay here…", pulls your pants down "Oh, nasty bruise…".

"I told you it was just a bruise…".

"Ok, go lie in bed, I'll get you something for the pain".

You obey reluctantly and go to your room. It's nice to have someone taking care of you.

You undress your pants and look at the big purple mark in the mirror.

Susan comes with a pill and a glass of water, you take it. "Lie down… I'll rub your back".

"It's not really that bad…". But you oblige, anyway.

As soon as she puts her hands on you, you change your mind "Oh… you're spoiling me, you know that?".

"Do you have some cream?" she asks while pressing your lower back.

"Uh… I have that oil…".

"The chocolate flavored one?" she laughs.

"Yeah… it's okay, like that… Don't… stop…" she keeps on kneading your lower back, you feel all the pain dissipating with her touch, you could be in heaven.

She kisses your bruise "Ok, now rest and tomorrow you'll feel better…", she stands up.

"You're going?" you pout.

"Still got a lot of work to do…" she sighs.

You stretch your hand at her and pull her to you "You haven't kissed me today…".

She smiles and kneels down next to you, strokes your hair out of your face and leans in. Making love to her is incredible: it's passionate, varied, frequent and constantly between amazing and mind-blowing. But each time she kisses you it always feels like it's the first time all over again. And you know she feels the same, when she pulls back, slightly flushed, eyes still closed "Now…", clears her voice "I'd better go home…".

After she leaves, you turn off the lights. Her birthday is next week, you remember. You think you have the day off, but she's working. You want to get her something special, but what? You think about your mother, you try to be positive about this engagement thing but…

Things are going so well in your life, you're scared of something ruining it. You're not used to full happiness.

Maybe she can change that.


	18. Happy birthday

**Chapter 18- Happy birthday**

"You and me, together, Susan! Can I call you Susan?" Morris grins.

"No".

"We could get published in the Annals!".

"I don't have time for this right now, Morris!", you try to shoo him but he follows you down the hall.

"Can I borrow Morris?" Luka shouts from Trauma 2.

"Be my guest!" you push him to the trauma room and go to the admission area and erase some names from the board.

"Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?".

You turn around and look at Randi and her ever-present glossy magazines "Sorry?".

"Who do you think suits better Brad Pitt?", she asks popping her chewing-gum.

"Oh… I'm not sure. I liked him with Jennifer, but he looks good with anyone!".

"I think Angelina rocks".

"You kind of look like her!" you chuckle.

"Really?! Hey Frank, do you think I look like Angelina Jolie?" she asks cheerfully.

"Yeah and I'm Brad" he offers in his usual cranky mood.

Everyone laughs and you tell them you're going upstairs and to page you if they need you.

You're looking at the patients satisfaction scores when someone knocks at the door. A nurse gives you a huge bouquet of roses and a box "They were delivered here when you were in the ER, I had to sign them for you".

You use an empty carton of juice to put your roses, but there so many of them, they don't fit. There is no card. They're obviously from her. You open the box full of satin ribbons and there's a note lying inside.

"Meet me tonight at 8 in room 3217 of the Lakeview Hotel".

That's definitely her. You discard the rest of the black and gold foil paper from the box and you gasp at the sight of your present. Sexy black silky underwear… You feel yourself getting wet in anticipation.You knew she was planning something. The way she kept teasing and touching you for the last week, always escaping ("I've got to go home") when things got fierier, she's such a tease… You look at your watch, 8 more hours to go. This is going to be a long day…

* * *

You're finishing a suture when Carter approaches you "Do you have a minute?".

You look at him, he looks so serious.

"Is something wrong?" you ask.

"Not here. Let's go to the lounge".

You're not liking this, something must've happened.

Carter holds the lounge door, letting you in, the lights are off, you switch them on.

"SURPRISE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!".

You jump in surprise but can't help smiling at your staff wearing party hats. After they finish their dreadful but sincere rendition of "Happy birthday to you" you thank them all and everyone hugs you and congrats you.

"You did this, didn't you?", you ask Carter while he hugs you, he shrugs playfully.

The cake is actually good and you all chat and laugh for a while. Morris is taking pictures, gloating about how he once won a photography competition. No one believes him.

Elizabeth comes in and stops in her tracks unable to understand what's happening.

"It's Susan's birthday" Luka tells her.

"Oh, I had no idea! Happy birthday, Susan!" she smiles warmly.

"Thanks, please have some cake!" you offer.

"So… I've heard some rumors about you and Wendall from social services…" you tease Carter.

He looks embarrassed, but smiles "We're just having fun, it's nothing serious…".

You nod, he leans in "What about you, plans for tonight?".

"I've asked you a thousand times not to talk about this…" you whisper.

"So the answer is yes… When am I going to meet her?" he chuckles.

"What, you're my father now?" you chuckle back.

"No, but I'm your friend and I want to be sure that she's good for you…".

You roll your eyes at him, he laughs.

"Okay, I'm just curious. I mean, you do know that it's a common fantasy for men, right?".

You punch him in the arm, laughing.

"Ok, just tell me her name, then!" he insists.

"If I knew you were going to be such a pain in the ass I would have kept my mouth shut…".

"Come on, you can tell me her name!" he pleads.

"I can't, I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone. At least not for now…".

It's true.

* * *

In the hotel's elevator, you feel butterflies in your stomach. You fumble with the door buttons, check yourself in the mirror one more time. You went for a strappy black dress and your hair is in a french twist. You feel foolish for being nervous.

You find the room, knock at the door. You wait for an answer, reassure yourself that you're not knocking at the wrong room.

Abby opens the door, looks beautiful with smoky eyes.

"You're early", she smiles, letting you in.

The room is dimly lit by dozens of candles, there are rose petals everywhere, quiet music playing in the background.

"Oh, Abby…" you whisper in awe.

She throws her arms around your waist, kisses you tenderly "Let's order dinner".

You have dinner with the quiet waters of Lake Michigan in front of you.

She reaches for your hand, your fingers entwine "How was your day?".

You tell her about Suzie's postcard, how much you loved the roses, the surprise party in the lounge "I'm sorry you missed it…".

"Don't be. This is the best part…" , you both lean over your plates and kiss passionately, one hand behind her neck and the other on the table for support.

She takes you by the hand and changes the music. She throws her arms around your neck, you hold her close and you both dance slowly to Nina Simone.

_This is perfect_.

Her hands stroke your back gently, her lips trail kisses from your neck to your cheekbone, whispers "You look great in that dress…".

"Guess what I'm wearing underneath…" you flirt.

She gives you a cheeky smile "Do you like it?".

"It's sexy…", you hold her face and capture her lower lip between yours.

"Well, you _are_ sexy…", her hands bring you closer to her, her tongue feels like melting chocolate in your mouth. You're starting to get pretty aroused, you try to lift her sleeveless top but she stops you.

You look at her intrigued, she retreats and slurs "Give me five minutes…" and you watch her close the bathroom door behind her.

God, you hate her when she does that. Who you're trying to fool? You love it.

You stare at the magnificent view of the city while you wait. When you can't hold any longer, you make your way to the bathroom.

"Can I come in?", you ask before turning the door knob.

You lose your breath when you see Abby waiting for you in a jacuzzi surrounded by scented candles.

"Strip" she simply commands.

You unzip the dress let it puddle to the floor, step out of it. Those dark eyes on you like a predator waiting for its prey. You take off your shoes, discard your underwear.

The warm water envelopes you, you sit opposite Abby "I can't believe you've done all this…".

She comes closer, kneels in front of you, hers arms around your waist "You're not working tomorrow, are you?".

"No…".

"Good", she smiles and holds you close.

You pull back and watch her. The foam's covering her torso, the faint light provided by the candles adds an almost mystical touch to all this.

She catches one of the petals floating in the water and sweeps your neck with it, leaving a trail of water. You close your eyes, content. Abby replaces the petal with her tongue and follows the path, you try not to moan but everything this woman does gets you.

You rest a hand on the back of her head, play with her hair and focus on the feeling of her lips, tongue, teeth on your neck. You're getting impatient so you start stroking her shoulders and try to catch her lips. You kiss for a long time, until you feel her hand cupping you between your legs and you have to gasp for air.

While her right hand is drawing circles around your clitoris, her other hand strokes your breast and her lips close around your nipple. You part your legs a little more, inviting her but, as usual, she likes to be in charge and you don't mind.

When she inserts two fingers in you, your tongue is dancing in her mouth and she scrapes it slowly, such sweet torture… If she keeps this, you're not going to last too long.

Your hands stroke her shoulders and arms but it's becoming increasingly difficult to even move, you squeeze your legs around her hand and let the orgasm sweep you.

"That was too easy…" she smirks as she stands up, her delicious figure shining wet in front of you as she reaches for a towel.

When you join her she drapes her towel around you and you both stare adoringly at each other, breasts pushing against each other, "Dry yourself, I don't want you wetting the bed", she jokes.

"It's a little early to go to sleep…", you tease.

"Who mentioned sleeping? You're not going to get much sleep tonight…" she whispers while kissing your earlobe "I'm gonna fuck you all night…", she slurs.

_Oh man…_

"Is that a promise?" you flirt back at her.

"No… more like a _statement_" she declares before going to the main suite.

Frolicking on the bed, Abby tells you to lie on your stomach. You look at her curiously but she just smiles "Come on…".

You rest your face on your folded arms and Abby straddles you and starts rubbing your neck and upper back.

"Oh… that feels so good…" you sigh.

She strokes your hair out of your neck and kisses you there.

Her hands work on your shoulders, neck, down your spine and although there's nothing explicitly erotic in what she's doing, you can't help but feel excited because it's _her_, _her_ hands and you know she planned all this beforehand. When she reaches the small of your back, you're ridiculously wet and you feel her getting up, you try to look over you shoulder but she tells you "Don't move".

Next thing you know, she's squeezing something cold on your back, perhaps oil and her hands glide all over you. She settles herself and you can feel her against your buttocks.

"Abby?".

"Huh?".

"You're wet…" you chuckle quietly.

"Well, you're naked underneath me…" she replies matter-of-factly, grinding herself against the small of your back. You feel yourself throbbing.

After she's done with your back, she starts doing your legs, from your feet to your thighs, you jerk a little when she reaches your inner thighs, so close… You feel like pinning her to the bed and make love to her desperately. Instead, you take a deep breath in and concentrate on what her hands are doing, her fingertips slowly circling your entrance.

You moan a little louder than you want when you feel Abby lying onto your back, then sliding down and up again. You can feel her nipples… they're hard and you feel them tickling your skin as she rubs her torso against you.

You try to control your breathing and you feel her lying next to you, you turn to face her and she pulls you to a kiss, you prop yourself on your elbow and push her slowly to the bed. You kiss her and let your hands wander up and down her sides, to her thighs, until her breathing is as unsteady as yours.

You pull back to watch her, she smiles "Huh… I've bought something…".

She closes her eyes when you rub her nipple gently. "Something like what?", you ask.

"Something I thought we might _enjoy_ together…" she blushes and you kiss her chin.

"Where is it, then?", she points and you go get the package.

You kneel on the bed, Abby does the same, closely observing you opening it.

"I can't believe you bought a strap-on!" you gasp.

Abby bows her head "Oh god… I don't know what I was thinking… I saw it on the internet and thought…" she stops and looks at you. She's blushing. "I can return it…", she shrugs.

To be honest, you were always curious to know how those things _work_.

"Why don't you try it on?", you whisper.

She looks at you incredulously, bows her head again and mumbles "you're unbelievable, you know that?".

You both take the toy from the package, you start to read her the instructions jokingly. Apparently it has some vibrating device on the base to "stimulate both partners". Abby playfully grabs the paper from your hand and you steal her a kiss.

And you can't help but giggle hysterically when you see her petite figure with the new _enhancement_.

"This isn't supposed to be funny…" she frowns.

"I know… I'm a little nervous, I suppose…" you confide.

She comes closer and strokes your cheek "We don't have to do this if you don't want to…".

You cling on closer to her and the dildo rubs against your inner thigh. "No, I want to…".

Abby pushes you to the mattress and explores your breasts with her mouth, you don't want to just lay there so you stroke her back, bringing her closer to you.

When she's back face to face with you, you nod at her and Abby props herself on her elbows, you feel the dildo poking slowly into you "Oooh…", you jerk.

Abby stops, looks worriedly at you "Does it hurt?".

"No, it's just cold…".

"Oh fuck… damn it, I'm sorry Susan…", she's about to take it out, but you stop her.

"No, it feels good, actually…", you smile in reassurance.

You see she's even more nervous than you, so you try to calm her down, you pull her closer to you and kiss her.

Abby thrusts slowly at first but soon finds a stronger rhythm and both of you are sweating and panting, you taste her neck, the light saltiness of her skin turning you on even more. You're both close, so she slows down a little. The vibrations of the sextoy break the silence and you both giggle for a moment.

You grab her by the waist and roll you both, so you're on top of her and you ease yourself slowly onto the strap-on. Abby directs your hips to her, pushing into you. You feel full and sexy.

You fasten the movements, rocking your hips, Abby's hands creep up your stomach and cup your beasts, teasing your nipples "Oh Abby…".

She sees you're close so she envelops you in her arms and pulls you close to her chest, then rolls you both once more and slows down for a moment "I love you, you know that?" she whispers, looking into your eyes.

Then she increases the rhythm again, you use your hands to press her to you, your nails digging into her skin and although she's breathing hard, she still manages to push herself into you, one last time and you feel your muscles tensing around the fake penis.

You don't know how long you stay like that, with Abby collapsed on top of you, but when she lifts her face from your shoulder she looks flushed and relaxed and kisses you lazily. You smile at her, push a strand of hair out of her face, you want to tell her that you love her but you don't need to. She knows.

"Happy birthday, sweetie", she says before sliding her tongue between your lips one more time.


	19. All I want for Christmas is you

**Chapter 19**** - All I want for Christmas is you**

The ER is full of patients. You've lost count of how many patients you've seen today and the board is still full of names. Pratt and you go to the roof waiting for the helicopter. Two kids were hit by a truck while they were making a snowman in their yard. You hate these traumas. Your patient has his whole ribcage smashed, a few ribs puncturing his heart. Corday takes him upstairs but you know he probably won't make it.

_What a nice Christmas this family will have_…

Pratt tells you to go home. You look at the clock, you were supposed to be off an hour ago. You rush to the lounge and grab your coat and purse. You still have to go to the supermarket before picking up Maggie and Bob at O'Hare. It's a shame Eric won't make it. You don't remember the last time you spent Christmas Eve with your family. When you were a kid, you usually spent it with Eric waiting for your mother to show up.

Your neighbor smiles when she sees you with your arms full of bags, holds the door, letting you in "Thank you, Mrs. Petrovsky", you smile.

"Christmas party?" she asks.

"Yeah, kind of…", you chuckle.

"Have a nice Christmas dear!", the elderly lady greets you.

"Merry Christmas, Mrs. Petrovsky".

After you place everything in the counter, you notice the red light of your answering machine flashing. Maybe it's Susan.

It's not her, it's Maggie.

"Abby dear, it's me. I… I know it's short notice, but we're not coming… You're busy and Bob got us tickets for the opera… I never went to the opera! I'm sorry… Maybe we can do something when you have time and your brother is back? Merry Christmas, dear".

_I can't believe this_.

You sit on the couch, dejected. Why are you so surprised, anyway? She used to this all the time, why would things change now? It's your fault. You were never the perfect family, why do you even make the effort to be the perfect daughter? Eric was so right to go to Mexico.

Your eyes sting, you close them.

_I'm not going to cry_.

After your third cigarette, you decide to call Susan. You need to hear her voice.

"Hello?".

"Susan?".

"Huh, no… This is Chloe, Susan's sister… Who's this?".

"Huh… Abby. Is Susan there?".

"Just a moment… Hey, Suse! Phone!".

"_Who is it?_" you hear Susan call out.

"Someone named Abby…".

"_I'll get it in my room_!".

"Hello there!" she greets you cheerfully.

"Hey... I see you have company".

She chuckles "Yeah, they arrived earlier, we're trying to cook dinner! What about your mom, weren't you supposed to pick her up?".

You sigh "She stood me up…".

"What?".

"She's not coming", your eyes sting.

"Oh… What happened?".

"I don't know… she left a message saying that this isn't the right time, I don't care. I… I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, that's all…".

"I'm so sorry, Abby…".

You feel ridiculous sniffling on the phone. You wipe the tears away "I'm used to it, don't worry. I'm used to being alone…".

"You don't have to. Come here, it won't be a big party, but it's better than being alone".

"It's okay, Susan. It's not the first time I spend Christmas alone".

"You don't have to. Not anymore… I want you to come!", she insists.

"You're with your family…".

She cuts you off "Abby, please! I want you here with me…".

* * *

You end up going and surprisingly you have a good time. Her sister is a bit loony but funny and you enjoy their cheerful banter. Strangely her family reminds you of yours. They taunt but you see they care about each other.

"So where is Chuck?", Susan's father asks.

"We broke up, dad".

"I thought you liked him".

Susan sighs "I thought you _didn't_ like him".

"Dad never thinks anyone's good enough for Susie!" Chloe chirps in.

_That's good to know…_

"Well, she could do better, marry a doctor… but he seemed a decent guy" Henry shrugs.

Susan looks at you nervously "Can we change the subject, please?".

"Don't you think it's about time? You know… settle down. Don't you want kids, a family? Life is more than just work" he insists.

"I'm very happy the way I am, now. I'll get the dessert", Susan stands up abruptly and goes to the kitchen. You think about going after her, but Chloe joins her.

Her dad and her brother in law engage in baseball talk and you feel like a complete intruder.

"So you're a doctor as well?" her niece asks you.

Maybe you're biased but you think she looks more like her aunt than her own mother. Smiling green eyes.

"Yes, I am. I work with your aunt Susan" you smile.

She nods like she knew that "I want to be a doctor when I grow up".

"Oh… that's great".

"Is aunt Susan a good doctor?" she whispers.

You smile at her and nod "Yes, she is. She's one of the best doctors I've ever worked with", you reassure her.

Suzie smiles proudly. "And then, maybe I can work at your hospital!".

"Maybe, yes…".

Susan and Chloe are back, sharing in jokes that you don't get.

"Suzie tells me she's going to be a doctor" you smile.

Susan holds her niece "Is that right, sweetie?".

"Yes. But Mom says it's too hard…".

"It is, you'll have to study a lot but you're a very smart girl and I'm sure you'll make it!".

They hug warmly. You love to see her like that, happy. It makes you smile.

"Do you want some ice cream?" Susan whispers to the little girl who nods enthusiastically.

"You're spoiling her, Susie-cakes!" Chloe laughs.

"Stop calling me _that_…" Susan hisses.

Chloe looks at her, then at you "Oh, I'm embarrassing you in front of your friend?".

"Don't mind me!", you chuckle.

It's getting late, Suzie's already asleep on the couch and you tell Susan you're going home.

"Stay here…" she murmurs.

"Aren't they staying with you?" you ask.

"No, they're staying at my dad's. He wants to spend time with Suzie…".

After her relatives leave, you help her clear up the mess. While she does the washing up, you go to the living room, open the window and light up a cigarette. You let the freezing air hit you in the face. You can't help thinking about Maggie. Why can't she be a normal mum? Why does everything have to be so complicated in your life?

When you close the window, Susan's sprawled on the couch looking at you.

"Are you ok?" she asks.

You nod "Yeah, I'm fine". She doesn't believe you but doesn't insist either.

"I'm glad you came" she smiles.

"Me too. I had fun".

You perch yourself on the arm of the couch, run a hand through your hair "I'm angry because she always does that… and I always fall…", you shake you head.

"She's your mom…".

"She could behave like one, for once".

Susan sits properly, sighs.

"You know… I used to argue all the time with my mother… We were completely different people. When I was a kid I truly believed they had abducted me" she chuckles.

"For a long time I resented my parents for never being there for me and my sister… I know this sounds awful…" she shrugs and continues "When Chloe was born my parents were very young and they weren't ready for a family, I guess… I'm not saying that they didn't love us… they just didn't know how to handle it… Chloe was the coolest older sister, she was my idol. When she started doing drugs I suddenly had to take care of her and myself and I clashed with my mom, all the time… I think she didn't understand how serious her addictions were…".

You both stay silent for a while until Susan concludes "My mom wasn't the perfect mother, far from it. But I miss her, a lot. And I regret saying the things I said to her because now that I'm starting to understand a few things about life, she's not here anymore".

You sigh deeply, purse your lips. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?".

"No… you're angry because you care about her and that's a good thing. Give it a few days and then call her and tell her how you feel…".

You let out a big yawn and Susan stands up and strokes your cheek "You're tired, let's go to bed".

In her room, you take the pajamas out of _your_ drawer and slip under the covers and you stay still on your side feeling warm and comfortable. Susan emerges from the bathroom in her underwear and socks and joins you in bed.

"Aren't you cold?", you mumble.

You feel her moving closer, wrapping her arm around your waist, resting her head against your back, enveloping you in a full-body hug "You'll keep me warm…".


	20. Outed

**Chapter 20- Outed**

Spring is probably your favorite season. It's not so cold, trees blossom and even people seem nicer. _Allergies trigger off, though_. When you lived in Phoenix, the lack of seasons depressed you._ How could I live there for five years?_ You take one last breath of fresh air before closing the window and you sprawl on the couch, tuning the TV in.

You spent your day off cleaning the house, making piles of old medical journals, reorganizing your shelves. The apartment looks really nice, you take a mental vow of never letting it get that chaotic again.

Someone knocks at the door and for a second you think about not answering it.

"Who is it?".

"_It's Carter!" ._

You weren't expecting him. You open the door and he smiles when he sees your less than flattering attire: an old and oversized Bulls t-shirt and baggy shorts.

"I decided to drop by to see if you wanted to have coffee or something…", he says before you ask.

"I can make us some fresh coffee and I think I have bagels!" you wink at him while gesturing him to take a seat.

You go to the kitchen to prepare the coffee and when you're back with the mugs and the bagels, you almost drop the tray when you see Carter pulling a shirt from between the couch pillows.

It's Abby's Penn State t-shirt she usually wears when she sleeps here. You were looking for it earlier. You remember what happened a few days ago, you peeled it carelessly off her and apparently it ended up tucked between the cushions…

_Fuck…_

His face drains to white when he sees the inscriptions. Of course he recognizes the shirt, he used to sleep with her too. You heart skips a beat and his brown eyes land on you waiting for you to say something.

"It's her", you hear yourself murmuring. Carter just looks at you dumbfounded, you rest your elbows on your knees and cover your face with your hands. For a moment, you're afraid your heart might explode in your chest.

"So… this woman you're seeing it's… Abby?", he asks, still incredulous, leaning his back on the couch.

You nod at him "Yeah, it's her…".

"Oh, my God…".

"You're shocked?", you ask, still not meeting his eyes.

"I wanted to marry her, Susan. Of course I'm shocked! I mean, two of my exes decide they're not into men after all… how do you think it makes me feel?", he sighs.

"This has nothing to do with you, Carter. In the beginning it was… lust or the _novelty_, you know… but we fell for each other… And maybe because we've been friends for a long time, we trust each other and it's working", you shrug.

"So how long is this going on?".

"Huh… it started when I was appointed chief… ten months".

"There was this time when Abby told me she was having dinner with you and, for a second, I thought about it… but I kept saying to myself that I was fantasizing…", he shakes his head.

"That's why I couldn't say anything to you… Abby is not comfortable… in fact, she's going to kill me when I tell her… So, please don't talk about this to anyone, ok?", you plead him.

He nods, "Who knows?".

"No one. You. Weaver".

"You've told Kerry?!".

"I had to… she was okay with it… Except about Abby's evaluations…".

"Plus she's an intern, you're not supposed to date her!", he finally smiles and you feel a little relieved.

Carter gets paged and since he's on call, he has to go but you know he has a million of questions he wants to ask you.

You take a long shower, slowly massaging your hair, then lathering all your body with that coconut shower gel Abby loves. After blow-drying your hair, you pamper yourself with all the moisturizing creams and lotions you can find. You fill your nails, pluck your eyebrows, do all the girlie things you rarely have time to. While you're at it, at least you're not thinking about what happened earlier.

"_Hey, are you home?"._

You're startled by Abby's voice "Over here in the bathroom!".

Her head peeks in, that lopsided smile "Can I come in?".

"I knocked twice and I heard the TV so I used the key…" she apologizes.

"I gave you a key so you don't have to wait to get in…", you lean and kiss her softly.

She looks at you for a second and hugs you tightly "I thought today was never gonna end…", she sighs against your chest.

"What happened?".

"34 year-old woman, terminal breast cancer. Her husband didn't want to sign a DNR…".

"I hate those…" you mutter.

"Mmm, you smell so good…", your skin tingles when she brushes your neck with her lips.

"Took a nice, long shower…".

Abby looks at you and opens your robe, her hands stroking your waist "and you're so soft…" and trailing up to your chest and reaching for your neck. You hate to be a party-pooper, especially when she's in the mood but you're dying to tell her what happened.

"I have to talk to you…", you whisper when her hands slide down your chest to cup your breasts.

"Later" she says before taking your left breast in her mouth and sabotaging any attempt of you pursuing this right now. Sometimes you hate yourself for being so weak when it comes to Abby. She owns you, body and soul and she knows it.

She keeps on nibbling your neck, while pushing herself against you "you're so sexy, Susan…". _Is she moaning?_

You don't know about her, but you do when her hand reaches you downwards. You're ridiculously wet and Abby caresses you with three fingers while you entangle your hands in that beautiful hair.

"Look at the mirror, Susan… I want you to see how beautiful you are, how sexy you are to me…", she slurs in your ear, before taking your earlobe between her lips. You look at your reflection and, although it's you, it almost feels like you're spying on someone having sex. You realize it's turning you on even more and you see, for the first time, how you look during sex, how you look when she makes you come.

After dinner you can't hold it any longer and decide to tell her about Carter. She's going to flip out but she has to know.

"Abby… we need to talk", you say, sitting next to her.

She looks at you with a frowned expression "You're cheating on me?".

You chuckle though she's serious "Don't be silly… Carter was here this afternoon…".

"He's hitting on you?" she cuts you off.

"Would you stop being paranoid and let me talk?".

You tell her about the shirt incident, how he recognized it, how you had to tell him.

She buries herself in the couch, looks at you "Now what?…".

"He promised he won't tell anyone…".

"Yeah, but he knows… Weaver knows. Soon everyone will find out!" she shakes her head in frustration.

"Weaver won't tell anyone and Carter's our friend…".

"He's _your _friend, not mine!".

"We're talking about Carter! He cares about you".

"He cares so much about me that he dumped me by letter and knocked up someone as soon as he landed in Africa!" she spurts out.

You stare at her dumbfounded "Ok. You're still pretty upset about it… Do you still have feelings for him?".

She shakes her head vehemently "No! It's just… He's not my friend, that's it. Not anymore".

"Whatever… He's _my_ friend and I'm sure he won't say anything… And you know what? I'm relieved I told him. At least I don't have to pretend around him…".

"Well, I'm not relieved… Things were great just as they were…", she crosses her arms, looking at the ceiling.

"What if we end up together forever? Do you want to live your life secretly, hiding from everyone?", you shift to her side to make her look at you.

"I don't know! And you don't know if that's going to happen…", she faces you.

"I'm _sorry_ if I want us to be together! Apparently we don't want the same", you scoff and stand up, go to the window.

"You know what could happen if anyone hears about us! We could get suspended!".

After a moment of silence, you feel her hand on your shoulder.

"Look, I don't want to fight over this… What we have is so good, I'm afraid of something or someone ruining it…".

You hold her close to your heart "I know, baby…".

* * *

It's unbelievable how much you have to beg these days to get funds from pharmaceutical companies. You sign the last documents, shake the last hands and you dump everything on your desk and collapse on the couch. After less than 5 minutes someone knocks at the door and you just wish you had one of those teleporter machines from Star Trek to get you home really fast.

"Come in", you sigh while standing up.

It's Carter, looking all sheepish. You hadn't the chance to talk properly since the other day.

After some nervous small talk, he sighs and declares "Ok. I have something to tell you."

"Go on".

"I'm sorry if I acted selfish the other day. I won't say that it doesn't confuse me, but if you two are happy together, then I'm happy. You're two of the most amazing women I know and you deserve each other", he says quickly, like he has been rehearsing this all day.

He's such a sweet guy. You're glad that despite all he's gone through, he's still the same caring person he always was.

"Thank you, Carter. It means a lot to me, really", you smile warmly.

Carter and you go downstairs and there's Abby in the lounge talking to Ray. Carter looks at you, then at Abby, smiles weakly and tells Ray that his break is over. He follows the intern and smiles "See you later".

"God, it's embarrassing…", Abby sighs.

"Carter just gave us his blessing…", you chuckle.

You tell her what he said, Abby's still not convinced but manages a faint smile.

Jing-Mei joins you and brings you latte from Jumbo Mart "Who's up for a girls night?".

"Very funny. I'm on tonight…", Abby whines.

"When are you done with this internship?" Chen chuckles.

"Two months…".

"What about you?".

"I'm off at seven".

"I'll pick you up at eight!" she says before gulping down the rest of her beverage and leaving you and Abby.

"Pratt and I working our asses off while our ladies have fun…", Abby shakes her head playfully.

"I'm your lady?", you smile while curling your foot around her calf.

"You tell me…", she gives you that lopsided smile.

"I'm yours…", her fingers find your hand under the table and you think about kissing her.

Which is wise, because Jake, Luka's med student, enters and warns you about the next trauma pulling up.

"Are you staying over?", you ask while you wait for the rigs.

"I'm on tonight".

"I know… but my bed misses you…", you shrug, playfully.

"We'll see…".

The sun's already peeking through the curtains when she slips under the sheets, clinging on next to you.

"You're here…", you mumble sleepily.

"I'm here…", Abby kisses you very softly.

With her breath on your neck and her thumb hooked on your shorts, the warmth of her body lulls you back to sleep.


	21. The storm

**Chapter 21- The storm**

You see dozens of patients everyday and although you'd like to say that each one is special, the truth is that most of them are out of your life the moment you discharge them. But it's not always the case.

Kathleen Ambrose is an adorable 11 years-old girl. She comes in the ER because she fainted at school but you soon find that the real problem is her heart. She has severe congestive heart failure and she's dying.

You manage to push her to the level 1 of the UNOS list but there are no compatible hearts. You call some hospitals but the fact that she's still a kid narrows her chances.

While she waits she keeps on drawing pictures for you and the nurses and she's so optimistic and full of life… You really hope she'll pull through. Her parents are very nice people, keep thanking you for what you're doing. You wish you could do more.

"How she's doing?", Susan asks as she places some charts next to you, on the counter.

"She's okay for now. Time's running out… I wish I could do something", you sigh.

"You're doing your best. But you have to keep an eye on the big picture. You have other patients that need you. Go, I'll make a few phone calls and I'll let you know if we get something…".

You nod at her and take a few charts with you. After examining your patients you take a detour to the trauma room to see how she's doing. She's asleep but the heart monitor tells you she's not improving.

At the nurses' station, Susan's on the phone and waves at you.

"I got a perfect match!", she mouths at you.

"Really? When do we get it?".

Susan listens and sighs, "It's in Iowa, they're still trying to find the parents to sign consent…".

It's better than nothing, you think. Maybe Kathleen will make it.

A couple of hours later, the chopper's on the way with Kathleen's new heart. You send her to pre-op and you flag down Corday when you see her. You present her the case.

"I'd like you to do it…".

"I'm afraid I can't, Abby. I've got a feocromocytoma in half an hour… But the transplant team is ready".

Elizabeth tells you to talk to Kayson, since he's the head of Cardiology. You call upstairs and they tell you he's not on call. You ask for his personal contact, his assistant tells you that he "doesn't like to be bothered on his day off". You explain the case again and again, until she surrenders and gives you his home number. When you finally get to speak to him, he's so rude and arrogant that you just want to scream and tell him to get his ass in the hospital.

Instead, you try to smooth him, saying that he's the best cardiologist in town and that no one but he can do the surgery. You hate yourself for kissing his ass, but he finally agrees so it's worth the humiliation.

When he arrives, charging down the hall, he scolds Susan for not "keeping a short leash on her residents" and gives you a look of disdain while grabbing the chart from your hand.

You and she go to the pre-op room talk to Kathleen and her parents who thank you and hug you with tears in their eyes. You remind them that the surgery has its risks, but they thank you nonetheless for "giving her another chance".

When the nurses take them, Susan turns to you, smiling "You did a great job! I'm proud of you…".

You don't really think before pulling Susan to you by her stethoscope and you kiss her right there. She smiles against your lips and lays a hand behind your neck, deepening the kiss.

The smack of the door opening startles you both and you see Susan's face draining to white. You don't even turn around, your body doesn't respond. You just stay there, staring at the floor.

You shudder when you hear Kayson's voice "I need your signature".

Susan takes the chart in her hand. She's shaking. She signs her name, gives it back to him "Dr Kayson, I…", he cuts her off before she can even finish the sentence.

"Spare your words, Dr Lewis. You'll need them later", he declares icily before leaving you both shaking and in shock.

* * *

Risk Management sends a lawyer to talk to you. He asks if Susan sexually harassed you, if she made any "inappropriate suggestions". You shoot him a disgusted look, deny and try not to give him too much information. He tells you that you don't have to worry, that the regulations protect you. You ask about Susan, what will happen to her. He tells you not to think about it.

On your break, you find her in her office. She looks tired, she probably didn't get much sleep in the last few days. You know you didn't.

Susan tells you how Kayson reported the situation to the Board and how the trustees want her head.

"Kerry stood by me, Kayson wanted me to be immediately demoted…", she sighs heavily.

"What's going to happen?", you ask.

"I don't know… I'm meeting Kerry in an hour…", she lays her head in her hands. You sit next to her and hold her in silence. You don't know what to say. You don't even know what to think.

You finish your shift and go home. You chain smoke while you wait for her to arrive and tell you what they decided on the meeting.

She looks upset when she arrives.

You sit next to her, stroke her hand "How did it go?".

She sighs "Good news is I'll keep my position. Bad news, there's an investigation already going on. This is so humiliating… They're asking all the females if I propositioned to them! They weren't glad that Kerry knew, but the fact that she supervised your evaluation helped. She's positive everything will blow over after the investigation…", she shrugs.

"So they're interrogating everyone?", you ask, startled.

"Looks like it…".

"Everyone will know, then…". You're in panic. You can picture everyone laughing at you by the front desk, making bets and telling jokes about you and her. _Oh, god…_

"By now, everyone must know… There's no secrets at County…", Susan sighs, stroking her forehead.

You look at her. She doesn't seem so nervous or, at least, not freaked out like you are.

"You're okay with that?", you frown.

"With what?".

"With everyone knowing about us!", you say, exasperated.

"What can we do, now? Besides, it's not anyone's business!", she tries to reassure you.

"Don't you remember when Weaver came out? The jokes, the rumors? I don't want that for me! I don't want to go to work everyday knowing that everyone's laughing behind my back!".

"Look Abby, if things get too tough, I know people in other hospitals in the city, we might transfer your residency, I don't know…" she trails off.

"What?! You want me to give up my job?". She must be kidding.

"No… I'm sorry, it didn't come out right…", she shakes her head.

"No, I understand! Now that your job is safe, everything is ok…", you scoff.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that! We know it's going to be hard at first…".

You shake your head, look at her "I can't do this, Susan".

"What?", she looks at you, clueless.

"I can't. I can't go to work knowing that everyone knows…".

She interrupts you "Forget about them! It's us that count! We have each other, we'll be okay!", she holds your hand, you don't look her in the eye.

"I'm sorry, Susan… I can't".

She cups your chin to make you look at her, those beautiful green eyes on you "Are you breaking up with me?".

The humming of the refrigerator breaks the silence.

You look down at your feet "I'm sorry…".

"Look at me, Abby! Don't do this! Please don't do this!", she pleads you with her eyes. You feel your heart pumping hard in your ears, your mouth is dry.

"I'm not strong enough to handle the prejudice and discrimination, people looking at us like we are freaks! I can't come out and stand for something that I don't even believe in, Susan! I don't _feel _gay! I'm not… I'm straight…", you stammer, not even sure what your point is.

"Forget about labels! Forget about people! We're happy together, isn't that what should matter?", she smiles.

"It's easy for you to say… You're the chief, no one's going to say anything in front of you".

"But everyone _already _knows…".

"It's only a rumor until there's proof…".

She's crying now, embraces you, tries to make you look at her.

"Come on, Abby! I know you love me! You said it to me the other night on _this_ couch when we were making love! You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life in my arms, you said…".

You stop her and pull out of her arms, stand up "Stop Susan! It's already hard enough…". You feel tears rolling down you cheeks, you turn your back to her, you don't want her to see you crying. You hate to cry in front of people. It's embarrassing.

"Abby, listen… I'm going to hand Weaver my notice, tomorrow, first thing in the morning. We'll decide what to do, the two of us, okay? Pratt's your supervisor, so there aren't no legal restrictions for us…".

You turn around "Don't do that. I don't want you do give up on your position for me. We… We got carried away… This will never work, you know that".

You don't believe in any of your words.

Neither does she.

"We can try! I want to try!".

She sighs and lifts your chin "Then look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me and this never happened!".

You stay silent. You can't say that. It's not true.

"Abby. If I walk out of that door, there's no turning back." She never looked so serious.

A tear runs down your cheek.

Her eyes are glued on yours with expectancy.

"I'm sorry, Susan…", you mumble.

She lets go of you, her eyes are filled with pain and disappointment. She stands there for a moment looking at you, waiting for you to say something.

Finally she turns around, grips her purse and you watch her walking out of the door.

And out of your life.


	22. Torment

**Chapter 22- Torment**

You enter Weaver's office, sit down. She smiles at you, you're not sure if you even reciprocate the smile.

"You look like hell, Susan…", she says in a calm voice, like you're some kind of potentially psychotic patient.

"Thank you…", you take the letter from your lab coat pocket, hand it to her.

She accepts it, looks at you "What's this?".

"My resignation".

She raises a brow at you, you shake your head, stare at some imaginary point on the wall.

"Is this because of Abby?", she asks.

"We broke up… She broke up with me…", you confide.

"I'm sorry about that…"

You nod, wordlessly.

You look at her when you hear the sound of paper being torn.

"That's not a reason to quit your job. Take a few days off if you need, but don't take any decisions you might regret later", she says tossing your letter away.

"Kerry, I'm serious…", she interrupts you.

"Susan! Listen to me. You're doing a great job here, don't throw away your career. Now go, your shift started fifteen minutes ago…", she says smiling but firmly.

You get the feeling that everyone is looking at you. Correction, everyone _is_ looking at you. But you feel so numb and lost that you don't even care. Let them look and laugh and whisper if they want to.

At least you provide some entertainment.

Despite haven't slept last night, you don't even feel tired. You feel nothing. Neela brings you the lab results on a patient and you throw yourself at work. You almost single-handedly clear the board. If you stop for a moment you're going to replay yesterday all over again in your head

In the lounge, you read a few reports while you wait for you coffee to cool down and you only look up when you hear her voice "Hi…".

Abby stands there until she realizes you're not going to bite and goes to her locker.

"Hi…", you reply and pretend to return your attention to the reports, but you're completely rattled by now.

She doesn't usually takes that long to put on her lab coat.

It feels like there's a wall between you two.

She's about to leave but turns back "I think we should talk…", she says after clearing her voice.

"I thought you didn't want to talk…".

"You… you left some stuff at my place… I could bring them to your apartment, I've got stuff there so…".

_I'm hoping for reconciliation and she just wants to get over with it all… _

"Oh…Okay", you try not to sound too miserable or desperate.

"I'll go to your place after my shift. If that's okay with you…". She never meets your eyes.

_Coward_.

"That's fine by me", you say in the firmest voice you can find.

* * *

When you open the door, you both stare at each other until you gesture her to enter. There's an awkward moment when she brushes against you and even that slightest contact is enough to fluster you both.

You had promised yourself not to humiliate yourself anymore but when you see her collecting all her stuff you can't help it.

"I can't believe you're doing this…", you say quietly, leaning against the door frame of your room.

She turns around, bows her head, remains silent.

"I thought I meant something to you…".

"You know how I feel about you…", she replies quietly.

"And isn't that enough?".

"Susan, listen to me…"

You stop her, "No, _you _listen to me! We're not teenagers, we're adults, we don't have to please anyone! If we want to be together, it's no one's business…".

"You speak like this is easy for me…"

"And it's easier for me, I suppose? I saw how everyone was looking at me today! And I'm still here, still alive!".

"Susan, it won't work…".

"How do you know?! And it worked pretty well until now! You kept saying to me how happy you were and suddenly I'm not worth it anymore?".

"I understand you being angry…", you don't let her finish.

"Hell yeah I'm angry! I feel used! Every time I said I loved you and that I'd do anything for you, I really meant it! And remember when you said you were afraid of someone ruining us? Well, guess what? Turns out you're the one who's breaking us apart!" you spurt out.

You wipe the tears that keep rolling down your cheeks. Angry tears.

She comes closer, tries to stroke your face but you stop her "Don't touch me…". If she touches you, you know you'll end up throwing yourself at her, begging her not to leave you.

_Keep your dignity, Lewis._

She stands in front of you looking so sad. "I _am _sorry. For not being brave enough and for hurting you".

Abby leans forward and brushes your lips. Your rational side tells you to push her away but the other side that loves her deeply reminds you this will probably be the last time you'll kiss her. _That's not fair_. So you let it happen and it goes on for so long and it's so full of passion, of love… you're both in tears when you pull back.

Abby takes her stuff with her, puts the key you gave her on the coffee table, looks at you once more and leaves.

And alone in your darkened living room you finally let the tears flow freely.

The sobs continue even when you have no more tears to cry because that's exactly what you are: empty.

* * *

After an intense and passionate relationship ends, there's always a certain degree of tension and awkwardness.

The next days are terrible, when you manage _not_ to think about her for a second, there she is rolling a patient with Pratt or talking to Neela or Luka. It hurts so much, it _physically_ hurts. You lock yourself a few times in the toilet stalls, breathing hard and trying to normalize your heart beats.

Not to mention how everyone looks at you when you're in the same room. They must've figured you're not together anymore, the tension between you is so obvious and it's like they expect you either to throttle each other or make-out in front of them.

You're only cordial, talk about patients if you _have_ to. You catch her a few times looking at you and vice-versa.

You don't think you can handle this. It's your fault, really. You shouldn't have jumped head first, like that, fall head over heels in love… You gave yourself completely with no restraints because this was Abby, someone you knew so well and trusted. You never said "I love you" so early in a relationship before. But then, you never felt it so strongly before.

And now, you're alone with a broken heart.

It always gets worse when you get home. Too many memories. Too much silence. Your bed is too big and too cold. You have trouble sleeping and when you finally fall asleep, you end up dreaming about her.

You corner that by gulping down ibuprofen with wine or bourbon. That's the only way you can sleep nowadays, passing out. It's a dreamless sleep that rewards you with gigantic head aches the day after but that's what aspirin is for, anyway.

There's slight relief when you and Sam plan the new schedule. You make sure you have the most possible opposite shifts. It's too hard to be with her everyday and not being able to touch her or even talk to her.

On one of the few shifts you have in common, Abby finds you in the drug lock-up.

"Hey…", she gives you a shy smile, afraid of your reaction.

"Hi…".

After she gets her Demerol, she looks at you for a while "I'd like us to be friends again… I miss you…".

You can't help looking at her, her lips and you shrug "I can't be your friend…". Not when all you want to do is lock the door and tackle her to the floor.

She nods at you "Okay… I… I have to get back to work…".

* * *

Carter comes to your place one morning wearing a tracksuit and full of energy.

You answer the door sleepily "Carter? What are you doing here?".

"We're going to the 9.30 yoga class!", he declares enthusiastically.

You let him in "I'm not going anywhere…".

"Looks like someone had a party…" he remarks, his voice filled with irony, when he sees the mess your apartment is.

You stroke your forehead, your head is throbbing "I don't feel like yoga today…".

He looks at you with that concerned look he gives to patients "What's going on with you?".

"Nothing, I'm fabulous, can't you see?", you sigh.

"You'll have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, eventually…" he remarks pointedly.

"I… I can't stop thinking about her, it's killing me…".

"Yeah, I know the feeling…", he muses.

"Kem?".

"Yeah…".

"We're pathetic…", you chuckle quietly.

"Have you even talked properly?".

"She doesn't… You know Abby, you know how stubborn she can be…".

"_Very_ stubborn…", he remarks.

"And I don't want to be with someone who backs off when the first problems appear, anyway", you declare vehemently.

You just wish you could believe that.


	23. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

**Chapter 23- Ain't no sunshine when she's gone**

_-- _

_Author's notes: The lyrics (and the title of this chapter, for that matter…) are stolen from the beautiful song "Ain't no sunshine (when she's gone)" by Bill Withers. _

_I'd like to thank everyone who reviews this, it's really nice to read all your kind comments! But hey, don't be shy to criticize me when I overdo it:P _

_Sorry about the delays, I've been incredibly busy, but I'll definitely finish this. I've got it all figured in my head, just need the time to write it down… _

--

No one talks about it directly, at least not when you're around, but it's like the proverbial elephant in the room. You've overheard Malik and Jerry commenting how "two chicks together is damn hot" and Frank declaring how it's "filthy and immoral". Yosh grins like an idiot and bats his lashes every time he sees you. Ray and Neela didn't mention anything yet but you've noticed how she looks at you when you help her and Susan on traumas.

Luka cornered you one day to warn you about some "silly rumors" concerning you and Susan. He shook his head, smiling, to reassure you that he thought it was non sense. His smile faded quickly after your eyes confirmed the veracity of those rumors. And you wished for the floor to swallow you.

But even though all this appalls you, nothing beats the anguish you feel every time you see her. She must have changed your shifts so you don't have to see each other so often, but when you do… It kills you.

Susan doesn't seem herself. Before, even when she was exhausted, she would always crack a joke or throw a sarcastic line, now she just drags herself looking miserable and beaten. You don't notice that so much during traumas where she remains unperturbed and is as competent as ever, but in the dead moments, when you see her drinking coffee on her own, absently staring at the wall, you hate yourself because you know you have caused this.

She's falling apart.

Because of you.

And you hate yourself even more for being so fearful. Everyone already knows, why can't you go and tell her you want her back?

_She'd probably deck me._

You miss her so much. Her smile, her contagious giggles, her hands stroking your hair, her lips, the warmth of her body lying close to you. You miss her listening to you- _she always listened_… You miss listening to her- _that voice_…. You miss watching old movies together cuddled up in her couch and devouring popcorn during _American Idol_. You miss how she could read your moods perfectly. And how she always said the right thing at the right time. You miss going to her place after a graveyard shift and crawling slowly into her bed and making love tenderly and falling asleep in her arms feeling so loved and safe.

And now she doesn't even want to be your friend. You're not sure if you could be _only_ her friend, either.

You're alone.

Again.

You'd like to talk about this with someone but that used to be Susan's role. Luka's busy with his own problems with Sam and, besides, it'd be too weird to talk to him about this. The same with Carter. You used to talk to him about everything- that's exactly what brought you together-, but you haven't had a proper conversation since the whole Africa thing. There's Neela but you don't know if she'll help much. She's nice but so young and naïve. What about Chen? You were always more like "party pals", anyway.

All your life you waited for that person that would accept and love you for everything that you are, instead of trying to change you, and now that you've found it, you threw it away.

* * *

Neela's landlord kicked her out and you offered her your couch until she founds her own place. She agreed, promising that it's only for a couple of days. You tell her not to worry, it'll be good to have some company, you think.

You don't like being alone these days, you don't trust yourself. The other day you almost didn't resist and almost bought a bottle of tequila. You've been craving it so much, lately. It's the permanent shadow in your life, when things are going well, you rarely think about alcohol, but now… you just want to get really plastered and drown your thoughts, your sadness.

Neela cooked you an Indian dinner. It's a bunch of curried vegetables and chicken. Very colorful and tasteful.

"If I knew you could cook this well, I would've invited you earlier!", you grin.

She smiles "I like to cook, it relaxes me. But I hate cooking only for myself…", she says while she pours you some Indian tea.

You eat and talk about trivialities, until Neela makes the million dollar question. "So… is that rumor about you and Dr Lewis true?" , she asks carefully.

You finish your tea and you hear yourself saying "yes". You study her face, trying to guess her thoughts. She looks at you for a moment, bows her head, a little smile creeping on her lips.

She faces you "I can't believe you slept with our boss!", she chuckles.

You smile along "It's not like that! We've been friends for a long time…", you shrug and trail off because you don't know what else to say.

"So… Was it… good? Is she good in bed?", she laughs.

You feel yourself blushing "Neela! I'm _so _not going to answer that!", you shake your head.

"Oh, come on! It's just us here!", she tries to persuade you, wiggling her brows, you want to look serious but you can't and you laugh along with her too.

"She was amazing… the best sex I've ever had…", you say in a quieter tone.

Neela just muffles her laughs "Oh, my God!".

You're both being silly but you're enjoying the lightness. It's been weeks since you had a proper laugh.

"So what happened?", she asks when she stops laughing, finishing her cup of tea.

"I screwed up. Like I always do…", you trail away, looking at your now empty plate.

* * *

You're asleep in the on call room when someone enters and turns the lights on. The sudden bright light blinds you, you cover your face helplessly.

Before you can focus your eyes, you recognize her voice "Oh… sorry… I didn't know you were sleeping here, I'm sorry!".

You sit up on the gurney, stroke your forehead "It's ok…", you smile at her. Sometimes it amazes you how pretty she is, how it gets you.

"There's just a gurney in here…", she mumbles more to herself than anything. You realize she probably wanted a quiet place to crash out for an hour or so.

Night shifts are hell.

Some bold energy goes through you and you catch yourself stroking her cheek, remembering how her skin is always so soft and warm.

You can see she wants to move away but she just closes her eyes, feeling your touch. She opens them and you realize how much you still want her.

Susan leans in "I miss you so much…", she stops less than an inch away from your face, giving you the chance to escape if you want.

You don't.

When she joins her lips to yours, it's the softest of kisses. You think you can even hear her heart beating… or is it yours?

The adrenalin pumps through your system, you feel your skin warming and your blood pressure going up. Like you always did when she kissed you.

Susan throws her arms around you, bringing you closer, tilts her head a little and scrapes your lower lip with her teeth. God… you missed that.

You both marvel at each other for a while, she's been looking so miserable for the past weeks, but now you have her back. That spark in the eyes, her rosy cheeks, that smile… you run your hands up each side of her neck, cup her face and taste her mouth again.

Susan hops to the gurney, smiles shyly. You start unbuttoning her shirt, gasping when her flesh is revealed to you. You want to cry. How could you think you didn't want her anymore?

Kneeled on a old gurney, you remove her shirt, concentrate on those full breasts that rise when your tongue trace them. You lay Susan and hover over her, smiling at the most perfect of creatures. You open the fly of her pants, slip your hand in and Susan relishes with your touch. "Oh, Abby…", she says your name quietly, her eyes half-closed in pleasure………

You jump in bed and gasp loudly. In the darkness of your room, you search for your alarm clock with your eyes. 3.04 AM. You realize you're damp with sweat and, yes, extremely aroused.

How pathetic can one be? Now you're having wet dreams about her. You don't know if it's the dream or because it's too late and you're not thinking straight but your fingers are dialling a number you could dial in your sleep.

You don't know why you're calling her, especially at this time. You think about hanging up, but you hear her sleepy voice on the other side of the line. And you sigh.

"Hello?...". You love that voice, it remembers you when you used to wake her in the middle of the night with kisses and make love before the sun rose.

You remain silent but she startles you when she calls your name "Abby?". You think about hanging up but that it would give you away.

Susan yawns and sighs. "I don't know if you remember, but I have caller ID".

_Oh shit. _

"So unless it's something important… I have an early shift tomorrow…", she mumbles.

"I'm sorry… that was… stupid", you finally break the silence.

"Is everything okay?", she asks softly, like she always is. Even after everything.

"Yes. No… I hurt you and hate myself for it… you deserve someone much better than me…". You realize you're not making any sense, not even to yourself. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again. It was just a momentary instant of weakness…", you say quickly before hanging up.

This has to stop. You have to erase her from your mind. It's bad for you both. Why did you call her?! _Smart move_.

You light a cigarette but take no pleasure from it. You go to the kitchen to have a glass of water, Neela is asleep on your couch, oblivious of your presence.

You're still awake when the alarm goes off, announcing a brand new day. The lyrics of the song catch your attention.

_Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.  
It's not warm when she's away.  
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.  
And she's always gone too long.  
__Anytime she goes away…_


	24. Move on

**Chapter 24- Move on**

When you arrive at the hospital, the ER is chaotic. There's a leak in the ladies' room and far too much patients waiting in chairs. You assign a few extra patients to each resident and med student.

Your patient dislocated his ankle and you need someone to do counter-action. You flag down Jing-Mei "Hey, can you give me a hand?".

She grimaces "MVA coming up!".

Everyone looks busy and you sent Neela upstairs. You see Abby coming out of a trauma room and decide to be professional "Can you help me with a dislocated ankle?".

"Huh… sure", she smiles and you notice someone following her.

"Can I assist?", it's that med student, Jake-something. Come to think of it, he's been following her around for the past week.

"The more, the merrier… Weren't you supposed to be working with Dr Kovac?", you ask while donning gloves.

"He said it would be good for us to bond with the rest of the team…", he shrugs.

"As long as your _bonding _experience isn't restricted to only one person…", you say looking at Abby. You realize you're sounding absurdly jealous.

You start the reduction while Abby explains what you're doing to Jake. Maybe you're being paranoid but he's drooling over her and it's getting on your nerves.

"So we're done here… Jake, why don't you order the post-reduction films?".

When he goes you can't help but ask "Is something going on between you two?".

She looks at you incredulously "What? He's like twelve years-old!", she scoffs, shaking her head.

"So if he was older…".

She cuts you off "That's not really your business, is it?".

You shake your head in disbelief "I don't understand you! You called me in the middle of the night the other day and then you act like this…".

"I already apologized for that. What we had was very special, but life goes on…".

You leave her there because you don't want to lose it. You know she's right, life does go on, but it's so hard. Usually, when you fall hard for someone and something goes wrong you move away halfway across the country and you pick yourself up. But this time it's so difficult. Basically because you have to see her everyday.

Maybe you should look for a job somewhere else.

Kerry calls to tell you that the investigation was dropped. They didn't find anything relevant, so they're willing to _overlook _it. Weaver tells you that she thinks they're being obnoxious and that you handled yourself pretty well. You're tempted to tell her how shitty you feel, but you just thank her and go back to work.

"Jerry, call Maintenance and tell them we've got a river flowing out of the toilets!".

"I've already called them twice!", he guarantees you.

"Tell them that if they don't show up in half an hour I'll tell the patients to use _their _toilets!".

* * *

You know you're supposed to be concentrating but there's this new cute guy who seems to be looking at you. He smiles when he catches you looking at him. _Is he flirting?_ You regain your composure and pay attention to what the yogi is saying.

But when you know someone's looking at you, you can't stop feeling self-conscious. Maybe he's not smiling at you.

You remember that time in high school when Josh McAdams, the cute - _stupid, but cute_ - quarterback, kept smiling and waving at you and when you finally plucked up the courage to go and talk to him he told you that he was flirting with Betty Perkins, who happened to be sat right behind you. Everyone laughed at you and you locked yourself at home for two days.

When the class is over, you see him walking in your direction. You pretend you don't see him, feeling childish for this sudden anti-social behavior but it's been a long time since you had to play these games.

He introduces himself. His name is Daniel Robbins, he's an architect and he moved to Chicago three months ago. You make small talk with him just to be nice and he says he'd like to buy you a drink, someday. You're surprised by his forwardness. Cute guys don't hit on you everyday. And instead of saying yes, you just look at him like a moron.

He realizes your surprise and pulls a card "If someday you feel like having a drink, please give me a call…". You nod dumbfounded and thank him.

You know you should move on and meet new people, but… you're not really sure if you want to let go. You had this amazing connection and chemistry with someone and it ended abruptly. It's been over two months already but you can't picture yourself with anyone else, right now.

When you get to the hospital, you pour your heart out to Jing-Mei. She gets all excited and tells you to call him.

"Oh, I don't know… It doesn't feel… right", you sigh.

"But you said the guy was cute!".

"He's cute, great arms… But I don't know… it's too soon…", you shake your head looking at your mug.

"Is it because he's a guy?", she asks cautiously.

You smile at her "I still like men, Deb… Abby was… a _fluke_, I guess".

"You guys had a relationship, it was not a one-night thing, you can't call it a fluke!", she laughs.

"I know but I can't picture myself sleeping with any other woman but when I look at her… It's just weird".

"You need to forget her, Susan. My suggestion is to call this guy and have fun! Casual sex is the best way to get over people!", she chirps.

"I can't do that. Call me old-fashioned but I like to know the guy first", you smile.

"You're getting all dreamy on me? You _so_ need to get laid!", she chuckles before placing your mugs in the sink.

You laugh along and watch her leave. You know she's right about you needing to get over Abby. But the truth is that the thought of being with someone other than her just seems ludicrous and improbable.

"Hey, Randi! Are my labs back yet?", you ask the desk clerk.

She pops her chewing gum "Nope, they're backed up…".

You sigh and ask her where's Neela.

"Suturing some drunk guy…".

The suture room door is open and you see Neela and Abby suturing a very big guy who's snoring heavily. They're chatting lively and you stay there looking at her for a moment.

_She's so beautiful when she smiles. _

"All I'm saying is that I looked everywhere for you and you two had mysteriously disappeared…", Neela chuckles.

You know it's wrong to eavesdrop, but…

Abby chuckles back "You took me to a party full of horny guys, what'd you expect?".

They both laugh and you feel your heart clenching in your chest. Suddenly Neela turns her head and sees you, Abby does the same and you feel a little dizzy.

"Huh… Neela, can you go to the lab and ask them to hurry up my labs?", you say, your voice breaking.

She looks at you and at Abby and leaves you both alone.

Abby's mortified, you notice her right hand is trembling a little as she cuts the nylon.

You sit in the other stool in front of her to continue Neela's sutures.

Right now you hate her so much. Here are you feeling guilty for accepting a guy's number and she's already sleeping around.

"I'm sorry you heard that…", she mumbles.

"Were you drunk?", you blurt out.

She glares at you "I've been sober for 3 years!"

You know it's horrible because she's obviously a recovering alcoholic, but you wish she had told you that she was totally pissed. Then you could say to yourself that she didn't know what she was doing.

"I don't even recognize you anymore…", you say sadly, looking at her.

"We're had this conversation a million times! I'm trying to move on with my life, you should do the same…".

You ask Luka to cover the rest of your shift "I think I'm coming down with something…", you lie. Carter, Pratt and Morris are having coffee in the lounge; John frowns when he sees you depositing your stethoscope and your lab coat in your locker.

"You okay?", he asks.

"Not really, I'm going home", you say before shutting the locker roughly.

When you get home, the place is so calm that it overwhelms you.

You know you're not together anymore, she's free to be with anyone she wants.

But you never thought she would move on so quickly when, for you, everyday is a torture and you can't stop thinking about her.

You take the wooden frame that rests on the coffee-table in your hand. It's one of those pictures you took in LA. You both look so happy and in love… In a burst of rage, you slam the picture against the wall.

With tears rolling down your cheeks, you kneel next to the shattered glass, pick up the picture and read the words Abby wrote on the back "_Your smile lights up my days. I love you_".

When you pull your knees to your chest, you notice your hand is bleeding. You hadn't noticed, that's nothing compared to what you're feeling inside.

You let the tears fall from your face as you torn the picture into small pieces. Then you open the window, you open your hand and let the wind blow the tiny fragments away.

And you let her go.


	25. Changes

**Chapter 25- Changes **

You get home and find Neela on your couch eating pizza.

"Hey there! Are you hungry?", she says, gesturing at the box.

You sit next to her, accept a slice "You bet…".

While you gorge yourself with pepperoni pizza, you can't stop thinking about what happened earlier. The look of hurt in her eyes is something you're trying very hard to forget.

Now, she probably thinks she doesn't mean anything to you. You wish you could tell her that it's exactly the opposite.

Neela dragged you to one of Ray's concerts, full of drunk teens. You fought hard against your drink cravings and spent the night thinking about _not_ thinking about a certain someone. And then one of Ray's band mates started to chat you up, and you wanted to prove to yourself that you could do this.

And perched on a single's bed, you had the most depressing and meaningless sex of your life. And afterwards, she was still in your head.

But maybe it's better if she hates you. Then, she'll get over you quicker.

* * *

"You could have dinner with me…", that stubborn med student insists.

"Look Jake, for the last time: I'm not going anywhere with you!".

"Why not? We work well as a team, I thought I would be nice to know each other better".

"You're a med student", you declare sceptically.

"And so what? You were a med student as well, not so long ago!", he smiles.

You shake your head incredulously at this guy. The thing is, he's smart and you like that. But he's so young and…

"Are you still stuck on her?", he asks out of the blue.

"What?".

He looks at you for a moment "I mean, you do know that everybody knows… right?".

You sigh. "I don't want to talk about it".

"Look Abby, I like you. But all I'm asking is to have a drink with you. Just that".

"We'll see…", you answer before leaving him in the lounge smiling like a fool.

On your cigarette break, you go to the ambulance bay and watch the paramedics washing the ambulances.

Pratt shoots hoops with Carter.

You notice that Morales, one of the paramedics, seems very entertained looking at you and sharing jokes with his friends.

_Hey gorgeous, I bet you miss having a real man! _

Is he really talking to you like that?!

_Morales, watch your mouth! _You hear Carter warning him. The jerk backs off.

Carter walks in your direction "Are you ok?", he asks quietly.

"I'm fine… thank you for…", you trail off.

He sits next to you "Ignore him, he's a prick…When are you going to quit?", he says, pointing at your cigarette.

"Old habits die hard…", you answer, dragging in the last puff.

"She misses you", he says after a moment of silence.

"I know…", you answer, gazing at the dark sky above you.

* * *

When you arrive for rounds, Pratt makes you run the board. You look at him, surprised, but he just smirks "R2s run the board…".

You go through all the cases and it doesn't go too bad. You notice her blonde head when all the others go see their respective patients.

"How does it feels to hang out with the big boys?", Susan smiles, while signing some charts.

"It's strange, that internship seemed endless… Now I'm nervous and excited at the same time…".

"You'll make a good doctor", she responds, quietly.

A few months have passed and the wounds now seem healed. You talk to each other, not like you used too, but at least you're not at each other's throats. Above all, you have to work together.

You're still not completely comfortable when Jake approaches you when she's around. You ended up having that drink with him and now you're more or less _dating_. You can't say you're in love with him, but maybe because he's younger, he's so free of trouble and so full of optimism that it's impossible not to like him.

He reminds you of her, in a weird sort of way.

And it's good to have someone at nights. Though, sometimes when you're having sex, you can't stop your head wandering away and you end up thinking about Susan. It's not that sex with Jake isn't satisfying, he's young, has stamina, but it's just not the same

With her, you had butterflies in your stomach every time she kissed you and fireworks everywhere else when she touched you.

You broke up with her because you wanted to be _normal_. But now a _very_ specific part of you longs for that wildness.

* * *

"He's cute, isn't he?", you overhear Chuny chatting with Chen.

"And he's a great guy, we went out the four of us, the other day…" Jing-Mei stops when she sees you.

"Have you met Susan's boyfriend?", Chuny chirps in, obviously expecting a reaction from you.

"Can't say I have", you say while rummaging through your locker. You didn't even know she was seeing someone. You can't help feeling a little tingle of jealousy but you're glad she's moving on with her life.

When Chuny goes check on a patient, you can't resist asking Chen "So, that guy she's seeing… anyone I know?".

"No. They met in her yoga class… Are you ok with that?", she asks cautiously.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?", you say before leaving.

You're not surprised she's seeing someone. Why wouldn't she? She's so amazing and charming and funny and clever… And when she leans to listen to a patient's chest, the way she frowns her left brow and purses her lips just a little is so… She notices you looking and gives you a little smile. You don't know why but you blush and grab the first chart you find on the counter.

And when you can't find Curtain Area 2, you realize she still makes you nervous.

And that night you go to Jake's place where you kiss and undress him more forcefully than ever.

"Whoa, I like this side of you…", he chuckles when you push him roughly to the mattress and straddle him.

"Shut up and fuck me", you order, willing to drown those persistent thoughts.

* * *

"I didn't know you were on tonight", you say when you see Susan in the lounge.

"Carter's down with the flu…", she shrugs while making some new coffee.

Jake comes though the door, throwing his arms around you "I'm out of here, babe!" he says before kissing you. You break the kiss quickly, not comfortable with the audience.

"Call me tomorrow, okay, princess?" he smiles. You just wish he kept those silly pet names to when you're alone.

You watch him leave and accept the mug Susan's handing to you.

"Love is in the air", she remarks somewhat sarcastically.

You decide to turn the tables "What about you and that yoga-guy?".

She looks startled at you, then shakes her head "This place is unbelievable…". She takes a sip and confides "We've been together for a couple of months…".

"That long?", you ask, surprised.

"Look Abby, I didn't say anything because…".

You stop her "No, no… I understand. I mean, it's been a while since we had a proper conversation. And I certainly don't blame you for hating me and…".

She interrupts you "I don't hate you, I never did…", those piercing green eyes staring at you.

After a while, she continues "In fact, I think we should be friends again…".

You smile at her with all your teeth "I'd love that".

* * *

Her apartment looks a little different. You felt somewhat nostalgic when you noticed she doesn't have the picture of you two in her living room anymore. You don't see any pictures of that guy she's seeing, either.

The animosity is all gone and, God, it's so good to be around her! You watch TV and you have so much fun together.

"I missed this…", you admit.

"Me too", she says and you both ignore the television for a few long seconds.

Sometimes you think she still has feelings for you. The way she sometimes looks at you.  
But you know her, she wouldn't be seeing yoga-guy if she didn't feel anything for him.

Sometimes you have this urge to taste her lips again, but you think better against it. You're not going to screw everything up again.

She deserves to be happy.

It's just unfortunate that it's not going to be with you.


	26. A new life?

**Chapter 26- A new life?**

Daniel is the kind of guy that the more you know him, the more attractive he becomes. He's a great boyfriend, always planning little surprises for you, making you laugh. He's a real gentleman, too. He's _way_ too good for you. To be honest, you don't know what he sees in you.

At work, things are running smoothly. Abby and you buried the hatchet and it's great to be able to talk to her and spend time together. Sometimes there's some awkward moments, mostly because even though you don't talk about it, there's history between you two and you can't - and you don't want to - forget it. You don't really talk about your relationships, either. She met Dan when he appeared one day in the ER with a take-away lunch and you felt very anxious, like you were introducing your boyfriend to your father.

You still can't understand how she can date that _kid_.

Despite Dan being all a woman could want, you have to admit that the first times you had sex with him felt strange. Not that he isn't good, but you almost had forgotten how it was being with a man. The coarse stubble that shows after a day at work, the large arms that wrap you completely, the _mechanical_ love-making. You missed being intimate with someone.

You'd like to do it one last time with Abby, it would be good to have that closure, but you know it's not a good idea, right now, both of you are seeing other people. It wouldn't be fair.

* * *

It's been a while since you last visited this place. In spite of the melancholic memories it brings, you find it strangely peaceful. When you woke up today and spotted that perfect cloudless sky, you knew you had to come here.

You place the white lilies on the gravestone. They look so beautiful, their whiteness matching with the almost sanctity of this place.

You sit on the grass and wipe out the trails of dust on the inscriptions with your fingertips. It's humble and sober, like he was and like he would want it to be.

_Mark Greene 1964-2002. _

You look at that second date still trying to make some sense of it. It's been 4 years and you still expect him to come by your place with a box of pizza and a six-pack under his arm or to see him shooting hoops on the ambulance bay.

"I miss you", you sigh. You never really believed in life after death but… you never really believed that Mark would be gone for good, either.

"That place just isn't the same without you, you know? Just me and Carter and a bunch of kids… God, can you believe Carter _is_ an attending? I'm getting old, that's what it is… And not wiser…"

"That last year was so… bizarre. So unlike me. But I never felt more alive. And now that I'm back to normal Susan I don't feel like me. Like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not anymore…", you trail off.

"As you can see, some things never change. Here I am boring you to death with my sad stories…", you flinch at your inappropriate choice of words but then you let out a giggle. You know Mark would laugh as well.

You pull your knees to your chest, watch two little kids and a woman on other alley.

"I saw Ella the other day… She's so beautiful, Mark… She looks like Elizabeth but she's you…". It's so unfair that Ella won't have any vivid memories of her father.

It's getting cooler and you stand up feeling more relaxed and at peace with yourself. Being with Mark always made you feel like that.

Still does.

* * *

"Dr Lewis? Susan?".

You stir and mumble "Yeah… I'm up".

What's worse than a graveyard shift? A graveyard shift followed by a day shift. You sit up on the gurney and run you hand through your hair. It's damp and… God, is that dry blood? _Gross_.

You tell Haleh that you're going to take a quick shower, she nods at you and leaves. First you go to the lounge get a pair of clean scrubs and get a towel and clean underwear from your locker.

The showers are empty and you undress slowly, still not completely awake, lay your clothes and your towel on the bench.

After a moment of simply relaxing under the warm water, you grab hold of a near empty bottle of shower gel and begin to lather your body, starting with your upper body, rubbing your shoulders, neck, breasts and you almost scream when you open your eyes and see Abby looking at you.

"Abby?", you ask, surprised. She takes a small step back, also startled, then stops.

_Was she checking me out? _

"Huh… I'm sorry! I was… Huh… This patient peed on me and I was going… Huh, I can wait…", she blushes.

You realize you're trying to cover yourself with your hands, which is stupid, she's seen you naked so many times.

"Huh, it's okay… I don't mind".

She nods and undresses, her back to you. There's this awkward silence, only the sound of water running.

You wash your hair thoroughly but your eyes can't stop admiring the body next to you… You heart pumps hard in your chest and when she catches you looking at her, you look away, embarrassed.

"D'you think thoughts count as cheating?", she asks, her dark eyes on you.

"I… I don't know… Depends of the thoughts, I guess", you whisper, your voice breaking.

"Because I think I'm cheating on Jake right now…", she says quietly, watching your reaction.

You turn and face her "Abby… don't do this…".

She looks at you and then closes her eyes, rubs her hair "I'm sorry… that was stupid of me…".

* * *

You spend the rest of the day avoiding her, until she corners you in the drug lock-up.

"I'm sorry about earlier", she says, looking at her feet.

"Oh, don't worry about that", you smile nervously.

"No, really… I'm so glad we're friends again, I don't want to ruin everything", she looks at you.

"I'm glad we're friends as well… We'll just have to learn to work past the…".

"Attraction?", she offers shyly.

"I was going to say memories... but yeah", you blush.

Abby looks embarrassed, opens her mouth but nothing comes out.

You squeeze her hand a little "Hey, it's okay, let's just forget all that and get on with our lives… I don't want us to clash again", you smile warmly at her.

She smiles back and for a moment your hands entangle in each other, you both disengage before it gets too awkward.

Carter joins you when you leave the lock-up "What was going on in there?", he smirks maliciously.

You look at him dumbfounded until your see his sly smile "Oh, please! We were just talking!".

"Yeah, right…", he laughs.

"You know we're both seeing other people…", you say in your defence.

"You should see how she looks at you…", Carter confides.

"Why are you playing cupid?", you say, shaking your head in confusion.

"Because I want you two back together and then maybe we could have some threesome fun, huh?", he wiggles his right brow at you.

You punch him in the arm, he pretends to be severally injured, then looks at you, serious. "You know I think that Daniel is a great guy. But are you in love with him?".

You look at him "I don't know, John".

* * *

And that night, Dan comes to your place with a bouquet of tulips in hand.

He kisses you "I missed you…". You smile at him and nod, helping him out of his jacket.

You watch a movie together, you clutched to his chest not really paying attention to the TV. You feel bad because, this morning, you were looking at someone else.

But let's be honest, what could happen? You and Abby having sex and messing up your friendship again.

And why do you have to be so complicated? You're with someone who's nice to you and who could probably be a long-term partner. Isn't that enough?

* * *

"So… how was meeting the parents?", you smile at Abby.

She rolls her eyes "Meeting the _whole_ family, you mean? I wanted to kill him, all his family was there, uncles, aunts, trillions of cousins…", she sighs.

You chuckle "And they say guys are afraid to commit…".

"I know, but we've been together for about what… 8 months? I don't need to meet the whole family…".

"You sound like it was a freaky experience…".

"What's so freaky about them is that they are all so nice! You know these big and happy families from Daytime soaps? They're like that. I never thought that really existed…", she laughs.

You finish your coffee and go see your patients. You help Luka on a trauma and afterwards you go to the toilets and wash your face. You don't really need to pee, but you enter one of the stalls, you never know when you'll have the time. You frown at the spotless pad. You wash your hands hurriedly and go to the lounge, open your locker, search for your purse. You count the pills. You've been careful but not _that_ careful, you missed 3 pills. You're two days late.

_Oh, God… _


	27. Floating

**Chapter 27- Floating**

Weaver and Susan are discussing something by the admit desk.

"We could use a hand down here, you know, Kerry?", Susan hisses.

"I might take one or two shifts but you know I can't drop everything and come running here!", she remarks while checking something on the computer.

"Then let me get another attending!".

"Sure. As long as you get us the money to pay _another_ attending…", Weaver cries as she limps her way to the elevators.

Susan rubs her forehead and yawns profusely.

"Late last night?", you ask.

She looks at you bleary-eyed "Yeah… I didn't get much sleep…"

"Oh, really?", you chuckle.

"Do you have a moment?", she asks with a worried expression.

You follow her to an empty exam room "I'm freaking out", she sighs.

"What's going on?".

She sighs and looks at you sheepishly "I… huh… I think I'm pregnant…".

Wow. You weren't expecting this.

"Are you sure?", you say after clearing your throat.

"No…", she covers her face with her hands.

You stroke her arm "Do you want me to draw you some blood? You'll get your results in an hour and get over with it…".

She shakes her head "I… I have a pregnancy test at home… I'll do it if I don't get my period by the end of the day…".

"How late are you?".

"Four days…".

"Have you told Daniel?".

"Not yet… I want to be sure, first…".

You nod at her "Try not to think about it … Whatever happens, I'm here for you if you need me, okay?", you say holding her hand.

"Thank you…", she nods.

You go check on your patient, still numb from the news.

* * *

When your shift ends, Jakes tries to persuade you to a romantic evening.

"We could go to that Italian place you like and catch a movie…", he says with his arm around you.

You're not in the mood for romance, you can't stop thinking about the talk you and Susan had earlier.

"Look Jake, I'm tired… I'm going home…".

On the EL you decide to go to Susan's. You hope Daniel isn't there.

"So… any news?", you ask her, while taking off you coat.

"No sign from my period… and I still didn't take the test…".

"This indecision doesn't seem like you…".

She sighs "If I _am_ pregnant, my life will change forever…".

"You've already decided to have the baby if you are pregnant?", you say not even bothering in hiding your surprise.

She nods "I've always wanted kids. And I'm afraid this might be my last chance… Even if Dan doesn't want it, I want to be a mother… I don't want to fail at that, too…", she bows her head.

"Fail? What else did you fail at? You're a great doctor…".

"At finding that special someone…".

"You didn't fail at that…", you pull her to you and hold her close. "Come on, stop torturing yourself and do the test…", you say softly into her hair.

She does and after a few long minutes of torture, it comes back negative.

"False alarm…", she says forcing a smile.

You know you shouldn't, but you're kind of glad she's not pregnant. If she was, you'd probably have to say goodbye to the faint chances of ever being with her again. _I'm a terrible person.._.

But you still try to be supportive "These tests aren't completely accurate, you should do a ICON at the hospital…".

She nods and goes to the kitchen "I'm going to fix us something for dinner…". You watch her move swiftly but you know she's just hiding what she's feeling.

After dinner, you watch TV together and make small talk until you look at the time and flinch at the late hours "Oh, I should get going… it's late…".

"Do you have your car?", she asks.

"No, I'll get the EL…", you say, standing up.

"At this time? It's asking to be mugged, Abby. I'll take you", she says.

"No, no… It's okay, just go to bed, you had a tough day…", you smile.

"You could sleep here…".

This catches you by surprise "You want me to sleep here?".

"Huh, I have a spare room…", she shrugs.

The spare room, of course. You thought she meant sleeping with her, which doesn't make any sense at all.

"Okay, then… Thanks".

"I'll get you a shirt…".

She comes back with _your_ Looney Toons shirt you thought you had lost.

You smile "I was looking for it the other day…".

She blushes a little "I kept it…".

You look at her for a moment "Are you going to be okay?".

She takes a deep breath "I guess I was longing for something good to happen to me…But I'm fine. Thank you for being here…".

You smile at her "It's okay… Good night…".

And you go to bed but you can't fall asleep. She's so close to you, sleeping on the other side of the wall. Since you rekindled your friendship, you can't help wanting her…

You wonder if she's okay, if she's asleep.

Barefooted, you stop at her door. It's open, she always sleeps with the door open. You silently go towards her bed and sit. She jerks when she becomes aware of your presence.

"It's me…", you whisper, stroking her arm. Her skin is always so warm.

_I__ shouldn't be doing this..._

She doesn't say anything, but you can hear her breathing. You lie next to her, spooning behind her, curling an arm around her waist. She remains silent, doesn't move. You lean your face against the back of her neck, inhale her sweet smell. _I don't want to let her go…_

You feel your body buzzing… you can hear her heart pumping hard in her jugular. Your blood heats up and you're both shaking.

You know that if you tried something, she probably wouldn't stop you, right now. But she's vulnerable and you'd never take advantage of her like that.

So you just brush her neck slowly with your lips and cuddle her, happy to just hold her in your arms.

* * *

A few weeks later, you and Jake enter the ER hand in hand and you see Jerry waving his hand at you.

"I'll see you later, then…", Jake says, kissing your cheek.

"Okay", you smile and go to the front desk.

"What is it that can't wait until I leave my stuff in the locker?", you moan at the desk clerk.

He covers the phone speaker "Dr Lewis wants to see you before your shift starts".

You nod but still go to your locker first. If it was something that urgent she would have paged you or something.

You finger comb your hair before knocking at her door and Susan smiles when she sees you.

"You wanted to see me?", you ask.

She nods and stands up from her chair, goes to one of the shelves and hands you something "Happy birthday, Abby".

You smile and shake your head "You really didn't have to…".

"Come on, open it!", she laughs.

It's Whitman's "Leaves of Grass". The most life-inspiring book you've ever read, the one you used to read when you were a kid to get away from your mom's madness. A few people know you like poetry, that you love Whitman. But Susan knows you better than most people.

"It's the newest edition, I thought you'd like it…".

"This is probably the most thoughtful present I ever got… Thank you", you reply touched.

She gives you a hug that starts out like a normal friendly happy-birthday-hug, but none of you moves. And soon she's kissing the top of your head, like she used to do and you shift your head just a little and your lips find her neck.

Susan looks down, you make eye-contact for a moment and you feel her lips landing on yours… Your body feels sluggish but you manage to cup her face, you feel her hand behind your neck, bringing you closer to her… You can't feel your feet, your legs. You're floating.

Her tongue runs past your lips, caresses yours and retreats… you let your tongue chase hers back in her mouth, Susan breathes hard and pulls you closer, until your breasts are pressed against hers and you're standing on the tip of your toes, one hand escaping under her shirt, feeling her stomach, her side, her back.

And your beeper startles you both, buzzing between you two. You break away from each other, breathless and glowing, stare at each other amazed at what you've done.

"I'm sorry, Abby… I… I… This wasn't a good idea…", she whispers, looking at you embarrassed.

"You didn't do it alone", you answer with an unsteady voice, feeling shaky and clammy.

* * *

The rest of your shift goes by with you on a sort of trance, replaying your encounter from this morning all over again in your head. You can still feel her lips on you… it was the most thrilling kiss you ever experienced.

Someone sweeps you by the waist and no, it's not Susan, it's Jake and before you can even form a thought he pushes you to the lounge and everyone is there, singing "Happy birthday" and you smile, not because of them, but because you see her there, standing between Carter and Neela, her eyes sparkling at you.

There's cake and sodas and everyone talks to you. Everyone except Susan, who remains in the same place, looking quietly at you. Luka crushes you in a tight hug and when you look again, she's not there anymore.

Neela and Ray and some of the nurses ask you about your plans for tonight, you say you didn't really plan anything. Jake comes from behind you and embraces you saying he's taking you out. You feel horrible.

In the restaurant, you have a nice meal but can't block what happened from your mind. He notices something's going on, you give him the now usual but still unconvincing excuse that you're "tired".

You know you have to break this off.

In your apartment, Jake starts undressing you and you let him, thinking that if you _try_ hard enough you can forget what you felt this morning when after almost a year, you kissed her again.

You unbutton his shirt and run your hands to his chest and he looks you in the eye and says "I love you".

You stare at him in shock, not sure of how to react.

He smiles and kisses you "You don't have to say it back… I just wanted you to know…", and you feel even worse. You can't break up with him after he says "I love you", he'd traumatize him for life.

You feel him shifting down your body, peeling off your underwear and, well, if he wants to go down on you, you're not going to say no.

So you stop thinking about how you're going to break up with him and let your thoughts drift away, concentrating on what he's doing. You don't want to but you can't help thinking about her, about how good she was at this… and you feel yourself getting wetter, which is horribly wrong but when you're on the verge of orgasm, that doesn't really matter…

And when it's about to happen, you see Jake's face emerging, looking at you.

You push him down with you hand, but he wedges himself on his elbow and frowns at you "What did you say?".

"What?", you say breathing hard, wanting to kill him, you were _so_ close...

"You said 'yes, Susan'…", he says looking icily at you.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck… _

You shake your head "What? Of course I didn't, go on, you were doing great…", you smile, hoping he buys it.

He stands up abruptly, angered "I'm making love to you and you're saying your lover's name, is that it?".

"She's not my lover! And I didn't say her name!".

Jake just shakes his head in disgust, searches for his clothes "You can go back to her and fuck her brains out, I'm out of here!".

"Jake wait, we need to talk!".

"Talk? I tell you I love you and after getting a blank response, I'm still supposed to hear you moaning your ex lover's name? I wanted to give you _everything_, Abby!".

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I don't know…", you say clutching his arm.

"You know what? Just leave me alone!", he cries out, leaving you.

And alone, again, you think about what you've done to him and you're not proud of yourself.

But you know you're not going to call and apologize because he never mattered that much to you and all this time you were not only fooling him, but yourself too.

You know who you're supposed to be running after.


	28. Here comes the rain again

**Chapter 28- Here comes the rain again**

What the hell were you thinking? Now that things were good between you two, you decide to kiss her just like that and ruin everything. _Jesus, that kiss was so... _Thank God she was paged, you don't want to imagine what could've happened.

You've been feeling unsteady since that night she stayed at your place. When she came to your room and held you in your bed, you thought you would pass out.

You were feeling so empty after finding out you weren't pregnant after all and she was so sweet and understanding. And today when you were hugging her in your office you felt your body reacting to her warmth and next thing you know you're kissing her and she's kissing you back and it all felt so right and magical…

But for obvious reasons it can't happen again. You can't get you hopes high and get your heart broken again.

Plus there's Daniel. And Jake, for that matter.

* * *

Carter nags you with his newest idea: an ER get-together.

"When was the last time we had one?", he questions you enthusiastically.

"I have no idea, John…", you mumble while updating his tetanus shot.

"Exactly! It'll be great to boast the team's morale… Come on, Susan!", he whines while wiping your skin with alcohol before giving you your shot.

"Okay… but you take care of everything! I'm completely swamped…", you negotiate.

He smiles and proceeds on his next crusade "So… I heard Jake and Abby broke-up…", he says in a faux-casual tone.

You had no idea. You've been avoiding her since the other day.

"Where did you get that from?", you frown.

"Chuny…", he shrugs.

Of course, Chuny and her love radar.

"The kid's crushed… She doesn't seem that miserable to me…", he says, gauging your reaction.

"Why are you telling me all this?", you sigh.

He gives you a look "You're not indifferent to her…And she looks at you like she's undressing you with her eyes…", he chuckles.

You blush "Carter!"

He points at your cheeks "See, that's what I mean!".

You shake your head at him "We're friends now. And I have a boyfriend", you say in a firm voice.

"Yeah, right…", he laughs.

You shoot him a deadly look.

"When you were with her you had this permanent glow on you and were all giddy and…", you don't let him finish.

"When did you become so nosy?", you say, shaking your head.

"Just because I'm not happy it doesn't mean I don't want my friends to be…", he says before leaving.

Jing-Mei, Abby and Elizabeth are all laughing, looking at some x-ray. You come closer and flinch at the _very_ obstructed rectum.

"What the hell is that?", you ask.

"He says he fell on a bowling pin!", Chen laughs.

"Naked…", Corday adds.

"That's just so wrong!", you laugh.

Corday and Jing-Mei go see their patient. Abby and you look at each other uncomfortably.

"I heard about you and Jake… I'm sorry…", you blurt out.

"Don't be. I'm not", she shrugs.

"I thought you liked him…", you say, confused.

"I like him. But I don't love him", she replies, looking into your eyes.

You're interrupted by the paramedics rolling in a patient. You and Abby tend to the gurney and assess the patient.

It's better this way, it's not the kind of conversation you should be having in the middle of the hallway.

* * *

Dan rolls and kisses your neck "Morning…".

You turn and face him, smile at his sleepy face "Hey… good morning".

"You're beautiful…", he says before kissing you.

"Yeah, I'm irresistible when I wake up with my hair like this…", you chuckle.

He tosses your hair even more "You scream _sex_ like that! Come here…", he envelops you in his strong arms and you throw yours behind his neck, deepening the kiss.

Dan growls when he hears your beeper "You don't have to answer that, do you?".

"Sorry… I have to…", you look at the number and call the ER.

Dan lies exasperated on his side.

"Randi? You just paged me, what's going on?".

"Morris is sick and we have no attendings…".

"How come? Call them in!", you say, irritated.

"Kovac just got home, Chen is off, Carter said he was going to be late…".

"I'm going to kill Carter…", you mumble.

"Do you want me to call Dr Weaver and ask her to come down?", she offers sympathetically.

"NO! I'll be there in half an hour…", you say defeated. Last thing you want is Weaver calling you incompetent.

You look at him, he's moping "I'm sorry, Dan… I _really_ have to go…", you kiss his cheek.

"You never have time for me, for us!", he moans.

"My job is a 24/7 job… I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise… Why don't you come with me to our staff party today?", you say, curling a finger on his hair.

"I'll be working late… we're behind our deadlines…".

"Well, I'm sure we'll find some other time…", you say, while putting on your clothes and going to the bathroom.

You wash your face hurriedly, try to style your hair in a ponytail and rush back to his room and give him a peck.

"Call me tomorrow, ok?", he smiles.

* * *

You arrive at the party a little late. You had to go home first to shower and change your clothes, opting for a knee-length skirt and a red top. You added your raincoat when you spotted the heavy clouds in the sky.

Everyone's already there. There's a jazz band playing and you notice some familiar faces on the dance floor. Malik takes your hand and makes you swirl, you dance with him and when the song ends, you sit next to Elizabeth, Luka and Sam.

You notice Abby dancing with Ray and you can't take your eyes off of her. The way her hair floats as she dances sexily to the music just fascinates you. And her ass looks great in those pants she's wearing.

You decide to enjoy your martini and make small talk with your colleagues, laughing as Corday tells them about her patient who _fell_ on the bowling pin.

Carter brings you another martini, it was a good idea not bringing your car.

Luka and Sam make their way to the dance floor, Elizabeth tells you she's going to the bar. Abby comes and asks if she can join you.

She lights up a cigarette, looks at you for a moment "You're pretty tonight…".

You must blush ten shades of red "Huh… thanks… you look great, too…", you say, playing with the toothpick of your drink.

She smiles at you languidly and runs a hand through that long silky hair "Red really suits you… especially when you're blushing…", she chuckles quietly, before taking a sip at her soda.

Elizabeth returns and Abby stops the flirting, you excuse yourself and go to the toilets, feeling tense and childish.

You go back to the party, dance and laugh with your friends. After a few more drinks, you decide it's time to go home. You say goodbye to everyone, realize she's not there anymore. Carter tells you to stay a little longer, saying that he'll give you a ride. You thank him but tell him that you're tired and need to get up early.

When you reach the door you stop when you see how heavily it's raining.

"I suppose you don't have an umbrella, do you?".

You turn around and see Abby on a corner looking at the window.

"No…".

"My car's parked right there, I'm just waiting for the rain to stop…", she says, never taking her eyes from the window.

"I was going to get a cab…", you sigh, digging your hands deeper into your pockets.

"I'll give you a ride".

"Oh, it's ok, you don't need…".

She interrupts you "Don't be ridiculous, Susan. Come on, it stopped raining…".

You follow her and you both run across the road, escaping from the faint raindrops that keep on falling.

"Perfect timing", Abby laughs as you get inside the car and the rain starts pouring again.

You talk about the party and when "Let It Be" starts playing on the radio, you both motion to turn the volume up, your hands brushing lightly.

Abby smiles at you before returning her attention to the road. When she gets to your street, there are no parking spaces available. She finds one at the other far end of your street, parks there. It's raining even more heavily.

You tell her she doesn't have to wait there, to go home but she shakes her head and says she doesn't mind. You both unbuckle your seat-belts and talk about unimportant things until her cell phone rings inside the glove compartment. You reach for it and notice who's calling her.

"It's Jake…", you say handing her the phone.

She grimaces and turns it off, throwing it back to the glove box.

"You shouldn't do that… he might get suicidal, or something…", you smirk.

She looks at you for a while. It always flusters you when she does that. Like she's looking _into_ your soul.

"Do you know why we broke up?", she says.

"Why?", you ask back.

"We were in bed…" she says, stretching her hands over the steering wheel, then turning her head to face you "and I said your name…".

You don't hide your surprise "Why are you telling me that?", you whisper, looking at the rain rinsing down the windows.

"I can't stop thinking about you…", she says with a nervous voice.

You look at her fearfully "Abby…".

She comes closer and cups your face "I can't stop thinking about that kiss, the other day…".

You don't meet her eyes. You know what will happen if you look into her eyes. A bolt of lightning takes you both by surprise and Abby enlaces her fingers with yours, bringing them to her lips, kissing them softly.

"Don't do this, Abby…", you beg her.

"Shush…", she says, coming closer, stroking your cheek, making you look at her.

And when your eyes meet hers she smiles because she knows she's won. She leans her forehead against yours and shifts her head down until her lips find your mouth and teases you with small kisses.

You can't resist and you kiss her back, plunging your tongue in her mouth, caressing the inside of it, making her moan with excitement. You wrap your hands around her waist and pull her to you, Abby wedges her knee between your seat and the handbrake, you lean against the cold window, shuddering when her tongue sweeps your collarbone and digs in the hollow of your throat. You run your hands under her shirt, stroke her breasts firmly.

You know you shouldn't be doing this. Especially in a parked car but…

Abby's gets rid of her coat and climbs to the backseat and reaches her hand out to you. You take your coat off too and accept her hand. She pulls you close and her right hand cups your chin "You drive me crazy…", she says before tasting your lips again, her other hand helping you out of your shirt. She marvels at your breasts and grazes your nipple with her teeth and tongue, you hold her head close to you, inebriated by the wildness of this moment.

You didn't forget how to touch each other. You stroke her between her legs and Abby just shudders and keeps tugging at your nylons. Her car is pretty cramped but you manage to lie down, your head pillowed by some papers and Abby rolls up your skirt, ripping your nylons hurriedly, desperately looking for your source of pleasure. She takes off your panties and when her tongue laps at your clit for the first time you can't help but gasp and you realize how strongly you had convinced yourself out of desiring her.

As her tongue continues to snake within you, you moan incoherently and wish you could stop time. Your nails dig into her back as you feel your climax approaching, Abby raises her face and kisses you messily, entering you with two fingers, making long and deep thrusts "I want to see you come…", she says before rubbing your clitoris with her thumb.

In frenzy, you thrust your hips against her fingers, she strokes your hair out of your face with her free hand and you see her all flushed and sexy, smiling at you because she knows you're close… She always knew.

An overwhelming wave of fire runs through you and you groan "Oooh… Abby…", you pull her closer, your fingers lost in her hair and you moan in her ear when she stretches her fingers, wringing out of you the last squirts of the most powerful orgasm you've had since… since the last time you were together.

She keeps on nibbling at your neck, you breathe heavily, you make her look at you again and when you see the desire in her eyes you can't help feeling aroused again.

You manage to sit up and go for her lips again, nibbling at that delicious pout you missed so much. Your hands stroke her sides, cup her chest seductively. Abby moans and you lower your lips to her pert breasts, her nipples are so hard… with your free hand you open the fly of her pants, sliding your hand inside, easily finding her engorged sex.

Her clitoris throbs as you caress it and Abby groans in her throat, her face twisted in pleasure, you kiss her again, lathering her tongue with yours, slide two fingers inside her, shuddering at the feeling of her wet and throbbing flesh.

She trembles lightly, breaking involuntarily the kiss, her eyes half-closed but still fixed on you "Susan… Susan…", she chants repeatedly as you continue to dig your fingers into her, loving her smell, her taste… you lick her neck sexily, making her sigh heavily and suck hard before nipping her neck just a little… when you press your thumb on her clitoris, she lets out a small cry and tremors beneath you, letting her head fall back, exhausted from the passionate love-making.

You listen intently to her heartbeat, Abby fingertips slowly caress your scalp. A loud thunder surprises you. The rain keeps on falling persistently. The windows are all steamed up.

You sit up and look at Abby. She has a lazy smile on her face but her eyes are shut. Her skin is glistening with sweat, her hair is all damp around her hairline and her make-up is all smeared around her eyes. You still think she looks like a goddess.

You start collecting your clothes and dressing and the guilt suddenly hits you.

You shouldn't have done this. Daniel doesn't deserve this. You shouldn't have accepted her ride, you knew you couldn't resist her.

Abby sits up and brings her lips to yours, your turn your head, avoiding her. She frowns at you, strokes your hair out of your forehead "What is it, Susan?".

"We shouldn't have done this…".

"Why not? We both wanted this so much… I saw it in your eyes…", she whispers.

"I have a boyfriend, remember? I don't cheat on people!", you speak up.

She looks at you in silence, pursing her lips.

Outside, the rain continues to pour down.

"I'll… I'll see you tomorrow at work…", you say, breaking the silence.

"Susan, it's raining…".

"It's not going to stop soon… I… I need to sleep…", you motion to open the door but you feel Abby pulling your arm. She impacts her lips on yours again, you kiss her back instinctively but break the kiss quickly. She strokes your face and you grab your purse and coat from the front seat and leave her.

You arrive at home drenched. You go to the bathroom and undress. The clothes cling to your skin. You grimly look at your reflection in the mirror. You feel dirty and cheap.

Under the showerhead you rub yourself hard, trying to get the scent of infidelity out of your skin, out of your mind. You have to talk to him, this isn't fair.

When you get to bed, you can still smell Abby on you… You can still feel her on you, you can still listen to her moaning your name.

And you feel a rush of excitement in a _certain_ part of your body just from recalling what happened in her car.


	29. New beginning

**Chapter 29- New beginning **

It's been already three days since the tryst in your car and you still hadn't the chance to talk properly about it. You've been on opposite shifts for the past few days. You left a message on her machine but you still didn't hear from her. This lack of communication rattles you.

You remember how sorrowful she looked, three nights ago, when all you felt was bliss, relief and that unbelievable post-orgasmic chill.  
You don't doubt she enjoyed being with you; you saw it, you felt it. But it's not in her nature to lie or be unfaithful, you know she must feel terrible and remorseful. You just hope she dumps him quickly because, to be honest, what happened between you two just whetted your appetite. So to speak. You can't wait to be with her again.

The ER is like hell today. There was a pile-up on the expressway and you got 5 majors and dozens of minors victims. You see her on the other trauma room working on a patient with Luka and Morris. You, Carter and Ray are performing a thoracotomy, trying to stabilize the patient before he goes upstairs. When Corday and her interns come and take the patient up, you take a peek at the next trauma room.

Susan's talking to the new med students, explaining them some procedure. Then they all leave and you see her sighing and discarding her bloody protections. You push the door open, she turns around.

"Hey… how's it going?", she asks, while washing her hands.

"We got him back, Corday took him up".

You lean against the wall "Why didn't you call back?", you blurt out, sounding a little desperate.

She's clearly surprised by your direct approach "Huh… I've been busy…", she says sheepishly.

"Bullshit", you reply nonchalantly.

She looks at the floor and sighs "Ok. I know we need to talk about… what happened. But not now and not here".

"I'm off at 7. Just come by my place and we can talk…", you suggest.

She looks at you "Ok, I'll do that".

* * *

You flip channels nervously as you wait for her. Suddenly, you go to your room and decide to change the bedsheets, just in case… You realize how presumptuous you're being. What if she comes and says she doesn't want to get back together? She didn't seem too thrilled at the hospital.

Your heart skips a beat when you hear the doorbell. You arrange your hair one last time and open the door. You let her in and follow her as she motions to the coat-hanger.

You smile "Dinner is ready".

"You cooked?", she's frowns, visibly shocked.

"Don't worry, it's takeaway from that place across the street that you like…", you chuckle.

While you heat your food you decide to light a candle. It's kind of corny but… this is the woman you love and with her, these kind of things don't seem corny or cliché, they just seem… _right_.

You love how her hair shines with the faint light of the candle. She notices you're staring.

"What?", she asks softly.

"Nothing, I just like looking at you…".

She ducks her head a little, you realize she's not comfortable.

She helps you clear out the table, despite your protests. You decide to go straight to the point.

"Did you talk to Dan?", you ask calmly.

She sighs "Yeah…".

You wait for her to elaborate, she remains silent.

"What did he say?", you instigate.

"What do you think? He was angry at first. Then just hurt…", she muses.

"And?".

"And what? And we broke up. I mean, after I tell the guy that I still have feelings for someone else…", she trails away.

You try very hard not to crack a smile. But you're honest "Look, I won't say that I'm sorry. This is exactly what I've been hoping to hear from you…". You sit closer to her, hold her hand, caress her palm with your thumb.

She doesn't meet your eyes. You lean in and kiss her lips very lightly. Susan shifts to her side, so that she is facing you and kisses you back, her arms around your waist.

But then she pulls back, shaking her head "I can't do this…".

"What is it?", you whisper.

She pushes you away from her, you look at her dumbfounded.

"I can't do this, Abby. I can't give myself to you over and over again… we know how it's going to end…".

"I don't follow…", you frown.

"It's going to be okay for a few months and then I'll want more than a secret affair and we both know how you feel about that… And I can't… I'm not strong enough to handle that all over again…", she says looking into your eyes.

You close your eyes and sigh "I still don't understand how all this happened and, yes, I'm afraid of people's reaction… but I know that I want to be with you. I _can_ live without you, we survived all these months apart. But I don't want to. I don't want to, baby...", you say, reaching for her hand.

You continue "It doesn't make any sense if it's supposed to be without you… I… I never felt like this for _anyone_…". You shut up and try to swallow the knot in your throat.

"I love you, Susan. I want to be with you. More than that: I need you…", you say cradling her face in your hands, staring into those stunning eyes.

She gives you a nervous smile between tears "I'm scared…", she shrugs.

You soothe her hair "I'll never forgive myself for what I've done to you… For putting that doubt in your head…", you say remorseful. "Give me another chance… I won't screw up this time…", you smile.

Susan chuckles between tears and you wipe them away with your thumbs "Let's start over again. Let's take small steps until you can fully trust me again…", you whisper, never breaking eye contact.

She just leans into you and you hold her tightly, knowing that you won't let her go again. Ever.

You stay like that for a long time, you two sprawled on your couch. Susan nuzzled into you, her hair tickling your nose.

She moves a little, only to burrow herself even more in your embrace. You feel breathless. And the luckiest person in the world. You try to look at her, but your neck is being supported by the couch's arm and the angle is not perfect. So you just touch her temple very lightly with your lips, feeling her heartbeat against them.

She stirs just a little and looks up "I think I dozed off…", she smiles, content.

"We had a very long day at work…".

"Yeah, I should get going…".

You're about to ask her if she wants to stay over but you decide against it.

_Let's take this step by step…_

But you do ask her something else "Do you wanna do something tomorrow?".

She looks at you amused "Are you asking me out?".

"I am. I think we should go out on dates. Proper dates, going to places, y'know?", you babble away.

Susan chuckles "Ok, let's go on a date…".

* * *

The first date was great.

You took her to the carnival and you both had lots of fun going on rides and all. You even managed to share a quick kiss on the top of the Ferris wheel. After all the fun, you opted for one of those roachcoaches and had sodas and hot-dogs for dinner.

"So… what are we supposed to talk about?", she chuckles after getting your drinks.

"Anything we want", you shrug.

She nods "Am I really your first?", she asks, lowering her voice.

"My first?", you shake your head in confusion.

"The first woman you've been with…", she says widening her eyes.

"The one and only…", you smile, with a cocked brow.

She smirks proudly and takes a sip at her drink.

"… I've kissed some girls, though…", you say, casually.

Susan almost spits her beverage and looks at you with a surprised face "Oh…".

You just smirk at her, torturing her with your silence.

"Spill it!", she says, clutching your hand.

"Oh, you know how college parties are… Not that I recall much, I was dead pissed throughout it… God knows how I managed to graduate…", you mumble bitterly.

"I was kissed by a girl in high school…", she says breaking the silence.

You look at her expectantly and she rolls her eyes "There was this new kid on my class and no one talked to her, kept saying she was a freak… and I volunteered to help her with her trigs and we kind of bonded. And in the summer vacations we were on her roof sharing a joint and she kissed me…", she smiles at the memories.

"How was it?", you smile.

She shrugs, "I don't know, it lasted about 2 seconds. I thought she was just being sweet or saying thank you…".

She continues "And that's it for lesbian experimentation. Until you came, that is…", she flirts.

"Same here…".

"If you had to sleep with any other woman from work, who you'd choose?", Susan whispers.

You shake your head "What kind of questions are these?! This is supposed to be our first date!".

She laughs "Oh come on, we work in the same place, we've known each other for years, what are we supposed to talk about? The weather? This is fun!", she laughs.

"Huh… let me see… Corday is quite hot…", you answer.

"Not Neela?", she raises a brow.

"What?". You look at her bowing her face, looking into her glass. And you understand what this is about. "You're jealous?"

"Not jealous… just… When she was staying with you, it occurred to me that you two might… you know…", she trails off.

"I never even thought about it… She's great, I like her but, no… I can't picture myself sleeping with her… But, answering your question, I'd choose Corday. What about you?".

"I'd choose you", she says with a goofy grin.

You can't help but smile "You can't choose me! Pick someone else!".

"Huh, I don't know… that would be pretty embarrassing… I think I'd go for Deb, she might be into that sort of thing, a one-night thing with a friend…", she shakes her head.

The conservation evolves to County's latest gossip, apparently Weaver has a new girlfriend. Good for her, you think. You're glad she's moving on after that great tragedy with Sandy.

It's already late when you leave.

You park near her place and Susan jokes "It was nice, I'd like to see you again…".

You smirk "I'll call you".

You both laugh and then lean, you capture her lower lip between your teeth, pull it slowly and let it snap, then kissing her, she responds with the same enthusiasm, you let your hand map her thigh, letting your fingers stroking the inside of it, while her tongue dances sensuously in your mouth.

She breaks the kiss when you grope her breast, gasps for hair, looking excited and rosy and shakes her head "I don't fuck on first dates…".

You resume kissing her neck "This isn't _technically_ our first date…", but she pulls back chuckling "I'll see you tomorrow at the hospital…".

You pout "I'll be riding around with the paramedics…" and kiss her again.

"So if you're not too tired, we can do something later…", Susan says stroking your cheek.

"You mean actually _do_ something?", you smirk.

She comes closer for a last kiss "You're too much…".

You watch her enter her building and go home feeling giddy and adolescent. "I'm Every Woman" starts playing on the radio and you turn the volume up, singing along excitedly. You notice the next driver at the lights is looking at you like you've gone crazy. You don't care.

You're crazy about her, anyway.


	30. Fear

**Chapter 30- Fear **

For the first time in a long time, you're in a good mood when the alarm blares off. Not that you're too excited about the long day ahead of you, but because you have very nice memories from yesterday to keep you going until later.

You tell Morris to clear the board while you supervise the new med students. One of them is particularly cocky. You assign him to Pratt, that'll keep him busy.

Things are running smoothly until there's one hour left for the end of your shift. Traumas always come when you're about to clock off.

Randi answers the radio, apparently there's a big fire in a school just a few blocks away from County. Jerry tunes in the TV, everyone stares at the screen, watching the flames engulfing the building. There are many units at the scene and you're getting lots of calls.

"How many can we take?", Randi asks you.

You sigh "3 majors and 8 minors".

She answers the paramedics and looks at you "They're sending us 6 majors…".

"What? We don't have enough doctors! Tell them to go to Mercy!"

"They say County is closer and Mercy is closed to traumas…".

You surrender and start instructing your staff.

"Malik, prep the trauma rooms! Let's get saline, lidocaine, you know the drill…", he nods and charges down the hall.

"Chen, you'll do triage! Grab 2 students!" , she nods.

"Luka, you're with me; Neela and Carter, Pratt and Morris! And Jerry, call upstairs and tell them we'll need all the surgeons they can spare!".

Everyone is at their places when the ambulances arrive, all at once it seems. After that, it's just a confusion of gurneys, screaming kids and desperate family members. You lose count of how many patients you see, but you try to keep an eye on the big picture. As you're the closest hospital, all the ambulances seem to end up there. You tell Randi to call the other departments and ask them to send down the most possible doctors.

It's been a long time since you've seen this place like this. There are people everywhere, people lying on gurneys, crying parents, firefighters.

You've seen so many people and the waiting room and the halls are still full of gurneys. You'll never be able to see everyone. You go to the front desk and tell Jerry to tell the paramedics that you're closed to traumas. He nods as he answers to various phone calls at the same time. You tell Morris to discharge the minors, to stop hogging the lab with unnecessary cultures. He's about to moan but you go to the next room.

"Do you need help?", you ask Luka, who's intubating a teenager.

"I'm ok, go next door, Ray may need you!".

Ray's inserting a chest tube in a small boy. He gives you the numbers, you agree with his assessment and go help Neela who's having a hard time debriding one of the firefighters who got stuck inside the school. The guy has about 80 of his body with 3rd degree burns, it's painful to just look at him. He keeps begging her not to let him die.

"We're doing our best, sir", she reassures him.

You two share grim looks.

When you go to the front desk, Randi's on the radio "What's your ETA?" She gestures 5 minutes to Morris, who goes to the ambulance bay "I got it!".

You look at her "Damn it, Randi! I told you we're closed to traumas!"

She looks at you nervously before announcing "It's Abby…".

And you feel your heart stopping in your chest. You grasp the counter for support, feeling your legs trembling and your mouth is dry, you have to clear your throat before being able to speak "What happened?".

Everyone looks at Randi "She got stuck inside…".

"Oh my god!", Lydia gasps.

You're sweating "How is she?".

"She has some fractures, but she's conscious, she wanted to be brought here…".

You sigh in relief "Ok, Lydia clear trauma 2 for her…".

You switch auto-mode, go to the ambulance bay and take the plastic gown from Morris hands "Neela could use some help…".

He protests "I got it, I'm getting this one!" .

In a impulse, you shout at him "JUST GO!".

He looks at you startled, as is everyone witnessing the scene, but goes. Carter, who's already gowned, approaches you "It's okay, Susan, I've got this…", he tries to dissuade you.

You're just so anxious, you don't want to scream at him too "Carter, don't!".

He backs off and suddenly the ambulance arrives and when they open the door you see her face coated with blood and coal and you lose your nerve for a moment. The EMTs announce her vitals but you're in a sort of daze, John pushes you gently with a hand on your back.

Carter and the paramedics put her on the gurney, you go next to her head, touch her cheek with your gloved hand, she opens her eyes and you see a hint of a smile in them.

You feel tears building up but you force them to stay put.

"Brief LOC. Complains of neck and chest pains. Can move extremities", Zadro tells you. You nod and turn to her "Can you squeeze my hands, Abby?", you say softly.

She does and tries to smile "I'm ok…".

You notice she flinches when you touch her cheekbone. Facial facture.

"The structure fell when she was inside…", the paramedic says.

Carter discovers a few burns on her right side.

You put her in the trauma room and you notice Kerry is there with a few med students.

"Abby, how are you feelig?", she smiles sympathetically.

"She's tachy at 120. BP's 110/68", Haleh says.

"Does your chest hurt?", you say evaluating her neck.

She nods "A little…".

Carter calls radiology and you listen closely to her chest. Weaver comes with a foley catheter and you tell her you'll do it despite Abby's protests. "You know we have to do it, sweetie", you reassure her.

"Good breath sounds bilaterally… Let's get her on a pulse ox", you tell Lydia who nods.

Carter enumerates the various lacerations on her scalp, arms and legs.

They come back with the films "Neck x-ray is normal", he tells you and you remove the neck brace.

"I guess I'll have to take a rain check on tonight…", she says, flinching as she tries to smile.

You smile at her and check her eyes "Extra-ocular movements are intact". You assess her ears "No hemotympanum". You look at her facial x-ray "There's fluid in the maxillary sinus. No depressed fracture. It's a simple fracture, but we'll get a CAT scan just to be sure, ok?", you say softly.

"Just great…", she moans weakly.

The chest x-rays shows she has broken her collarbone and four ribs. Weaver points to the students where the fractures are. You shoot her a look.

Abby mumbles to you "My hands are numb…".

"She's hyperventilating, that can cause numbness…", Weaver says.

You check her chest again "How's your breathing?".

She flinches "A little sore…".

Carter smiles "BP's stable. 115/70. Satting at 98".

"That's what we want to hear", you smile relieved.

Weaver checks her abdomen "Does this hurt?".

"A little…", Abby says.

"Let's book a CT and let's sit her up", Weaver says, looking at you. You nod in agreement.

"And let's take another x-ray to her chest and belly", Carter adds.

When the techs finish shooting the x-rays, you clean her face with a wipe, cleaning off the blood and coal. She flinches when you touch her cheekbone.

"I'm a mess…", she says.

"Could have been a lot worse… You got me worried…", you say softly, caressing her unbroken cheek. You know everyone is looking at you but you couldn't care less.

Suddenly the monitor's start beeping away and Abby flutters her eyes a few times, until she closes them completely.

"BP's 90. It's falling. She's pale", Carter yells.

"What happened?", one of the med students asks.

"The blow to her chest caused internal bleeding. Some of it is in the sac surrounding her heart. We need to drain the blood before it restricts function…", Weaver explains her.

You completely lose it "Just take these damn students out of here!".

"This is a teaching hospital, Susan!", she says with her irritating high-pitched voice.

You check Abby's chest and glare at her "This is not a teaching case!".

You nervously turn to Haleh "Pericardiocentesis tray, STAT!".

You make the small incision on her upper abdomen "Alligator clip!", you ask and Carter hands you one.

You poke it inside her, looking closely at the monitors waiting for a reverse.

"She's in tamponade!", Weaver shouts.

"Pulse ox down to 78!", Lydia warns you.

You feel your legs numbing "Abby! Abby, open your eyes!", you say, pressuring her chest with your knuckles, but she doesn't respond to the pain.

"7-0 ET tube, I'll intubate!", Carter announces.

He bags her "Sats are up to 92!".

You're still trying unsuccessfully to locate where the blood is coming from.

"Pressure's dropping to 70!", Kerry says looking at you.

You shake your head in frustration "Give her another liter of saline!".

Weaver makes you look at the heart monitors "Profound ST elevations!".

Carter yells "Damn it. She's having an MI!".

You still try to find the hemorrhage. You're so nervous, your hands are shaking… you don't want to believe this is happening.

"More PVCs! What are you doing?!", Weaver says.

You pay no attention to her and relocate the needle.

"A hundred of lidocaine!", Carter tells Lydia.

"You must have transected the coronary artery! We're running out of time!", Kerry nags.

"I'm not even near it! I just need to go more interiorly...", you yell back.

She ignores you "Ok, prep the chest! Thoracotomy tray, Lydia!".

You feel yourself bursting "DAMN IT, KERRY, YOU'RE NOT CRACKING HER CHEST OPEN!", you yell with all your forces. Everyone stops for a moment, looking at you telling off the chief of staff in the middle of a trauma.

You return your attention to what you're doing and feel the blood draining "Ok, I got it!".

Everyone looks expectantly at the monitors as the numbers start to increase. You take a deep breath and lay against the wall, exhausted and relieved.

"Nice job", Carter winks.

Corday comes to check her and tell she's all clear. No need for a exploratory laparotomy.

You have her admitted to Medicine, but since she's sleeping you decide to go downstairs again.

The ER looks like it was swept by a tornado. There are bandages and all kind of discards everywhere. You drag yourself to the lounge and succumb on the couch.

Luka's there too, "How is she?".

"She's sleeping. Stable. She's gonna be fine…".

"You should go home, you look tired…", he says sympathetically.

You shake your head "I want to be here when she wakes up…".

Luka doesn't say anything, just nods and leaves.

You get yourself a cup of coffee and decide to go see her again. The ER's covered and most patients have been discharged or admitted.

When you get to her floor, Kerry's leaving her room.

"She's sleeping…", she says.

"Yeah… Huh… Kerry, I'm sorry about my attitude earlier…", you say sheepishly.

She smiles, places her hand on your arm "Don't worry… But you shouldn't have take this in the first place, it's always complicated to take care of someone you love…", she says matter-of-factly.

You look at her, embarrassed, but you don't deny it. What the hell, you love her, of course you were worried, you don't care if everyone noticed your despair.

Weaver says she's going home. You enter and sit next to Abby. You look at her and then lean your forehead against the gurney rail and let out a profound sigh.

Until today you didn't know what real fear was. Today you felt petrified to lose her forever, to not being able to bring her back. You feel tears coming and this time you let them all out, while you stroke her face so lightly. The dark bruises are starting to appear on her face and body. She has several lacerations on her scalp, forehead and arms. Her right forearm has a 2nd degree burn and she was several cuts and scratches on the rest of her body.

But she's alive.

It's only when you feel her hand on your head that you realize that you fell asleep on that chair.

"Hey, how are you feeling?", you smile, coming closer to kiss her forehead.

"Doped up…", she slurs.

"We had to… You broke your collarbone and cracked four ribs. And a facial fracture, too…".

"Lovely…", she brings her hand to her head and feels the stitches.

"God, I'm gonna be covered in scars…".

You chuckle "You could have died there and all you're worried is about your looks? Don't worry, I did your sutures…".

She looks at you "How's the kid?".

She means the kid that she was protecting when the structure collapsed.

"He's okay, not a single fracture, thanks to you…".

"Good…", she says quietly.

"You could have killed yourself there… Promise me you won't do that again…", you whisper to her.

Abby smiles with her eyes closed, she's still tired "I promise…". Then she tries to shift to her side, but gives up, it's uncomfortable for her.

"I want to go home…", she whispers.

You tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and shake your head "You know you need to stay on a monitored bed tonight… I'll take you home tomorrow if you're feeling better and your lungs are clear…".

"I'm fine… just need to go home and take a shower…", she tries to negotiate, but starts to cough heavily, leaning into you. You rub her back lightly and increase the O2 level on the nasal mask.

Her eyes locks with yours "Can you stay with me for a while...?".

You smile at her "I'm not going anywhere, sweetie…".

* * *

You wake up several times during the night just to check her monitors and make sure she's breathing okay. Abby sleeps but you know it's mainly the effect of her medication. You feel exhausted and sleeping on a chair doesn't obviously provide great rest but there's only her bed in this room and you don't want her to be alone when she wakes up.

When Abby does wake up, she tries to sit up but the pain kicks in and she just curls in the bed.

"I'm going to increase your morphine…", you say, reaching for her line.

"I don't want narcotics…", she shakes her head vehemently.

"You have several fractures", you try to convince her, but she insists.

"No Susan, please… You know I deal better with pain than addiction… Tylenol", she asks.

You disagree but you understand her, last thing she needs is to get hooked on Vicodin or something.

In the car, Abby looks at you when instead of taking the street to her place, you continue on your way home. Her left side is all bruised and swollen, a bluish tone from around her eye to her upper lip.

"I think you shouldn't be alone…", you shrug.

"I'm okay, Susan…", she sighs but none of you continues the debate.

You help her in and she goes get a glass of water and gulps down a few pills. You tell her to sit on the couch while you prepare breakfast.

"I'm not hungry…", she moans.

"You have to eat something…", you reply firmly.

She takes a few sips of tea and you encourage her to finish her pancake. She takes a few nibbles but you don't force her. You take the mugs and plates to the kitchen, rinse them and while you do the washing up you notice her shoulders shaking slightly. She's crying.

You dry your hands and sit next to her. You embrace her carefully, to not hurt her. Abby lets out several muffled sobs into your shoulder, you soothe her back "Just let it out, baby…".

"I thought I was going to die… I was so scared…", she cries into your chest.

"It's okay, you're safe now…", you say, feeling useless. You wish you could do more.

"I was so scared of dying there and… I… I thought I would never see you again…", Abby continues to sob, you feel tears rolling down your cheeks, but you just keep on holding her.

"I know… but now we're together and everything is going to be okay… Just take the time you need…", you say softly into her ear.

Abby shifts a little on her good side and leans her back against your torso, enlaces her fingers in your hand "Can we stay like this forever?", she asks quietly, after a while.

The position is not really comfortable for you, but it is to her and that's what matters, "Yes, we can…", you reply knowing that yes, you _can_ stay like this forever.


	31. Bliss

**Chapter 31- Bliss**

--

_Author's notes: The lyrics belong to the song "Nature Boy" by Eden Ahbez. _

_Again, thank you very much to everyone who reviews, especially to my faithful reader MauraFan228;) All your comments are truly appreciated!_

_This story has been really fun to write, I'm thinking in writing about 5 or 6 chapters more and then end it. I don't want it to drag on as I feel it already has too many chapters/ _

--

You stand in front of the mirror, sighing at the sight of your still swollen and bruised reflection. The bluish shadow that covered half your face for the past days is now replaced by a disgusting yellowish shade. The other side of your face that isn't bruised is full of scratches and they're covered on betadine. You look like a freak.

"I'm disfigured…", you mumble when Susan enters the bathroom.

She comes closer and throws her arms loosely around you, both of you study the image on the mirror.

"Makes you look tougher, it's kind of sexy…", she smiles.

"Yeah, right…".

"Really, like Ripley!", she says before kissing the top of your head.

"Who?".

"You've never seen 'Alien'? Sigourney Weaver looking all muscly…", she chuckles, still with her arms around you.

"That's very _lesbian_ of you, never knew you had a thing for butch girls…", you tease her.

"I only have eyes for you…", she says in a silly voice.

"Yeah, I'm such a pretty sight…", you scoff.

She responds by kissing your neck "Let me take a look at your arm…".

Susan carefully takes off the dressing and studies your burn "Looks better today… You probably won't have major permanent scarring…", she smiles as she smears the ointment on your skin. While she finishes bandaging you can't help remembering about that day.

The paramedics were whining about how anything never happens when doctors are riding along with them. An hour later you got called to a fire in a school and when you got there you immediately saw how serious it was. At first you just did first aid and triage but they needed a doctor inside, a kid was stuck. They gave you special boots and a coat that was way to big for you and in you went.

You managed to get close to the boy, Brian, who had dislocated his knee. He was asthmatic and all that smoke was making his breathing really difficult. You put him on a mask and asked Zadro to bring something to cover him, so that he could leave the building safely.

And suddenly you hear a loud crash, like an avalanche and you instinctively covered Brian with your body. You felt hard blows on your whole body, that's when you realized the building was falling literally on top of you. You felt yourself being squashed against the kid, you tried to change your position but you couldn't.

And you feared. For Brian and for you. Breathing became increasingly difficult. The voices of the paramedics seemed so distant. You thought you would die there, under concrete and flaming wood. Your mouth tasted like dust, you saw the flames approaching. Your eyes stung with the combination of dust and heat and all you could think was about Susan, about how you would never hold her again, how you would never look into her eyes again.

These eyes are now fixated on you "Are you okay?", she asks.

You nod "I am now…".

"Let's go to bed, then…".

She adjusts the pillows so you can lie more comfortably. The only way you can sleep is on your back, almost in a sit-up position.

You watch her as she undresses. Sleeping in the same bed with her, everyday, without any kind of more intimate contact is beginning to be quite challenging. You waited for such a long time to spend a whole night with her and now this happens.

She joins you in bed in her underwear, smiling innocently. What makes her so sexy is that she has no idea of how attractive she is, she always seems so surprised when you compliment her… you love her honest naivety. She comes closer to the now usual goodnight kiss but this time you entangle your hands in her hair, keeping her closer a little more.

When she pulls back she sees the desire in your eyes and you see she wants it too. You try to shift to your side but it hurts, she tells you to stay put. Susan comes closer but supports her weight on her elbow, only her lips touching you. You hate this. You want to hold her, to feel her body glued on yours. As you keep on kissing her, your heartbeat goes faster and your breathing becomes ragged after a while. And just that is enough to make your chest ache.

She realizes you're in pain and pulls back, kisses your forehead "You should rest, sweetie…".

"This sucks…", you mumble, frustrated.

"We can wait…", she says, taking your hand in hers.

* * *

A few weeks later, you're snuggled in a sort of fetal position, hogging the covers when a harsh sound awakes you. It's the phone, you reach it on the nightstand, answer it without thinking this is not your house and not your phone.

"Hello?", you manage to speak. Susan shifts behind you, mumbling in her sleep.

"Rise and shine Susie-cakes!!", a very enthusiastic and wide awake voice announces.

You hand Susan the phone. At first she doesn't react, you shake her arm and she looks at you, then at the phone "Who's this?".

Susan sighs heavily "Chloe. Why are you calling so early? Well, I'm not working today it's my day off…". Her voice sounds coarse from sleeping, you love it.

You feel her sitting up, you lay on your back.

"Huh… That was Abby…", you look at her when you hear your name.

"Go back to sleep, I got this…", she whispers as she goes to the living room.

"… _She's staying here… Very funny…_", you just manage to hear a few parts.

"_You know what, Chloe? You're absolutely, right. Yeah. We're together, okay?..._".

Oh god, she's telling her. You realize you're not really scared or in panic. The thought of people knowing about your relationship is still uncomfortable but also… relieving?

"_Don't be silly, it's not that! I… I love her, okay?..._".

"_So, if you can't be happy for me… No, he doesn't. And I'd like to be the one who tells him…_".

"_I don't know and it's difficult to explain, it just happened… and I've never been happier…_", you smile when you hear that last part.

After a few minutes, Susan comes into the room, looks at you nervously "I just told my sister about us…".

"Yeah, I heard…".

She comes closer "It just blurted out of me and…", you stroke her cheek adorably.

"What did she say?", you interrupt her.

She shakes her head "Chloe is… nuts. She… she was okay, I guess… Kept making jokes, saying how Dad will stroke out when he knows…", she shrugs.

You smile at her "You said you were never happier…".

"It's true…", she says, laying face to face, very close to you.

You let your fingers slowly trail up her arm to her shoulder. They find her neck and she closes her eyes in contentment. When she re-opens them, you get closer and capture her upper lip between your own.

You feel her mouth enveloping your lower lip, sucking and tugging at it sensuously. Your hands caress her back, you slowly dig your hands in her buttocks, kissing her urgently… you want her so much. She responds but you can see she's touching you too lightly, she's still afraid to hurt you.

You still feel some pain, but you wouldn't stop this even if you were dying. You let a hand escape inside her shorts, she pulls back when she feels your hand cupping her sex.

"Abby…", she moans quietly.

You feel how much she wants this, too… "You're so wet…", you smile.

She nods, somewhat embarrassed "I really want to but I don't want you to aggravate your fractures…", she closes her eyes when you let your middle finger enter her, very slowly, teasing her.

"Turn around baby…", you say softly.

Her eyes widen when she realizes what you mean.

"I really want to… please…", you reinforce.

She looks at you for a moment and nods. Susan kneels on the bed, taking off her clothes. You do the same, your eyes never leaving hers.

She kneels astride your face, you pull her closer with your hands. Susan releases a ragged gasp when you let your tongue slide between her labia, trailing its way up to her clitoris. You taste her sex reverently, letting your hands stroke her lower back as you nibble carefully at her most sensitive spot.

"Abby… Oh my…", she twists in pleasure. You grip her firmly, not letting her move away from you.

And that's when you feel her bending and her mouth claiming you entirely. You go blank for a few seconds when she lets her tongue stroke you lazily, like a cat. Your hands map her thighs, you notice they're covered with gooseflesh, you love to feel what you do to her. You renew the assault on her sex, kissing it slowly, then letting your tongue probe within her… you bring your fingers to her clitoris, feeling it throbbing heatedly, you let them tease and flirt with it. When you do that, Susan moans deeply into you, the vibrations on your pelvic bone make you tremble deliciously.

This, you think, is the zenith of intimacy. As your orgasm builds up, you reflect about how incredible this is, how it feels like your melting into each other… you marvel at how strongly your bodies react to each other's stimulation, how well they fit, how intense this is… not only the overwhelming physical pleasure but the profound connection, the complete trust…

Susan's flesh feels even hotter and wetter in your mouth. You redouble your efforts but not without difficulty. The way she's hungrily devouring you is breathtaking.

You pull her to you and suck hard, very hard at her nub and when you feel her sweet nectar coating your mouth, you feel your lips turning into a smile. That plus Susan's squirms and moans are enough to send a violent discharge of heat through you, your body spasms angrily and with eyes closed you feel all sorts of fluorescent lights and twisting colors taking you over.

You feel her disengaging carefully from you. You're covered in sweat and you body feels cold. You shiver a little, from the temperature but mostly from the slowly fading excitement. Susan lies on her elbow and lets her hand stroke your hair into place.

"You okay?", she smiles.

You close your eyes and nod. You can't find your voice. You feel her peppering your neck with small, adoring kisses.

"I love making love to you…", she mumbles softly into your ear.

Susan lays her head next to yours, her eyes sparkling so much at you that it takes your breath away. "Let's do it again…", you smile as you let your lips slide against hers.

--

You're watering her plants when Susan gets home. She drops files and books on the coffee table and comes closer to kiss you "How are you feeling today?".

"I'm good, desperate to get back to work!", you smile.

She checks your arm, kneads at your ribcage, seems pleased when you don't flinch. "Your mom called…", she says suddenly.

"What?", you frown.

"She called the ER. She's been trying to reach you at home for days, was worried… I told her vaguely about the accident… you should call her…".

"Yeah, I'll call her tomorrow…".

Susan lies with her head on your lap as you watch some MASH re-run. You let your fingers trail up and down her scalp, she looks up during the commercials break. "How long have you staying here since the accident? A month?", she questions.

"Almost five weeks. Huh, I know I'm taking advantage of your hospitality… I'm sorry, I…", Susan sits up, smiles at you.

"I'm not kicking you out!", she chuckles.

"I was just thinking… This 'let's take it easy, step by step' thing is just bullshit", she declares.

"Is it?", you reply, completely clueless.

"Yes! I mean, it's not like I don't already love you! And you love me, right?", she says enthusiastically.

"You know I do", you smile and kiss the palm of her hand.

"And what happened to you… it made me think. How long do we have, realistically? I know that it's cliché but… I want to spend the most time I can with you… I do. So, I was thinking… why don't you bring some of your stuff here and move in?", she says nervously, her eyes ever so sparkling.

You feel a sudden bolt of joy "You want me to move in with you?".

She looks into your eyes, holds your hand between her own "I do. I'm tired of playing games… I want to share my life with you…".

You feel a smile creeping up and your eyes watering. "I can't cook…", you grin.

"I'm aware of that…You can do the washing-up…", she smiles back.

"And I like long showers in the morning…", you say, coming closer.

"Me too... I'm sure we'll find a compromise… Share the bathtub, maybe?", she flirts.

"Ok, we've got a deal…", you say before throwing your arms around her neck and pull her to you.

While she kisses you, you can't stop thinking about the lyrics of an old song your mom used to listen.

_The greatest thing you'll ever learn, _

_Is just to love and be loved in return._

And you finally understand their meaning.


	32. I need to tell you something

**Chapter 32- I need to tell you something**

As you jog your way home from yoga class, you make a mental recap of the last months. So many things happened. You're together at last and yes, very happy. Things at County are doing okay and you're being considered for the tenure spot, which would give you an important financial boost. Abby moved in with you last month and you love having her around.

"I'm home!".

You chuckle when you see her at the stove "What are you doing?".

"I can make eggs…", she frowns.

You come closer but she takes a step back, laughing "Ok missy, you're not going to touch me all sweaty and stinky! I've just had a shower…". You dance around the table, trying to catch her and she threatens you with a wooden spoon.

"I thought you liked me sweaty…", you say when she finally lets you plant a kiss on her lips.

She smiles "That's different…Go shower but don't take forever".

You relax under the warm water. You've had opposite shifts in the past weeks, it's nice to be able to have breakfast with her and go to the hospital together. You haven't announced that you're together, but you're not hiding, either. They'll figure it out, eventually. Abby says you should only tell a few people and you agree.

Right know, your priority is your father. You really want to tell him but you're not sure how to approach the subject. Chloe was okay with it, which isn't really that surprising, it takes a lot to shock her. She keeps on telling you stupid dyke jokes, but the other day she wrote you a letter saying that she's glad you're happy and that she hopes everything goes well with you and Abby. This is why you love your sister so much, she's the one constant in your life, for better and worse.

"Mmm, this is good…", you say, finishing your breakfast.

"See? I'm not completely useless in the kitchen…", Abby smirks.

"I never said that", you shake your head before finishing your cup of coffee.

Abby has a lazy smile on her face. She clears up the plates and mugs, you go get your purse and you're ready to leave.

In the car, Abby whines about her schedule "I always get the shitty shifts".

"You're being unfair… I assign the same amount of hours and shifts to all residents…", you reply nonchalantly.

"What's the point of screwing your boss if you don't get any advantages?", she says, laughing.

You slap her knee, while you enter County's parking and reach your parking space.

"Are we having lunch?", she asks when you both unbuckle your seatbelts.

"Er… I was thinking of visiting my father… It's been a while since I had lunch with him…".

Abby looks at you attentively.

"You're telling him?", she says, quietly.

"I want to… I think I should… is that ok with you?".

Abby nods her head slowly "Yeah, I suppose that's the right thing to do…".

* * *

Your father looks surprised when he opens the door "I didn't know you were coming, sweetie", he says when he kisses your cheek.

"Oh, it's been a while since we had lunch together… I brought lunch…", you smile, waving the paper bag.

He talks about your aunt Sarah and your cousins. Joan is getting married. Again. You feel fidgety and anxious.

After you finish eating, he stops talking and smiles at you "You look well…".

You feel even more nervous "Huh… yeah, I'm good… Actually, there's something I want to tell you but I don't even know how to…".

He frowns "What's going on?".

When you run your hand through your hair, you realize how damp your forehead is. "Dad, I'm in love with someone… a very special person…".

"I didn't know you had a new boyfriend…".

"Huh… well, I don't. I don't have a new boyfriend…", you stammer.

He realizes you're shaking, clutches at your arm for encouragement, you look at him.

"I'm in love with a woman, dad", you blurt out. You feel yourself sweating and suffocating. You reach for your glass.

He doesn't say anything, just looks at you. Then his face hardens "What are you talking about?".

You tell him about you and Abby getting closer but he just shakes his head "Is this some kind of sick joke? Because, frankly, that's something I'd expect from your sister, not from you, Susan!".

You reply slowly but firmly "No, Dad. This is not a joke. I love her and she loves me too… we're living together…".

He raises his hand to make you stop "Have you lost your mind?! You just woke up one day and decided you were gay?!", he cries.

You look him in the eyes "Dad, we're very happy together…".

He shakes his head "You should be ashamed of yourself…".

Now you're offended. "Why should I be ashamed?! We love each other…".

He interrupts you, again. "Why are you telling me all this?!".

You look at him for a moment "I'm telling you this because you're my father and I think you should know what's going on in my life… I'm happy, dad. I need you to understand that, so maybe one day you'll accept this…".

He shakes his head "How can I accept this? This is nonsense!".

You raise your voice "You always said the most important thing in life was love! Am I supposed to overlook it just because Abby is a woman?!"

"What kind of future do you think you and… that _person_ will have? You always wanted kids!", he scoffs.

"I can still have them!", you reply nonplussed.

He goes towards the sink, turns his back to you "You should know better, Susan. I'm disappointed in you…", he says, his voice breaking with emotion.

With his hypertension, he shouldn't get nervous like this. You stay silent for a minute or two. Then you stand up and clear up the table.

"I just wish you could be happy for me, Dad. I'm very happy and I don't think I should be ashamed about that…".

* * *

Carter's chatting with Jerry by the admit desk. Jerry pretends he's working when he sees you and picks up the phone.

"You seen Abby?", you ask.

"No, sorry…", he lowers his voice "Is something going on between you two?".

In other times you would kill him to bring up this subject right here. Today, you just sigh. "Yeah, we're back together. She moved in with me".

You watch as his chin drops "Wow…", Carter keeps looking at you with a wide-eyed.

"We would appreciate if you kept that to yourself… people will find out, but we want to avoid the scrutiny for as long as we can…", you whisper before going to see a patient.

* * *

When Abby gets home, she looks so pissed, you know something must've happened at work.

"Everything ok?", you ask, carefully.

"NO!", she shouts, taking you by surprise.

Then she shakes her head "I'm sorry… Dubenko pissed me off so bad, today…".

"Did you kill someone?", you offer skeptically.

"Almost…", she mumbles. Then she remembers "How was it with your father?".

You finally drop the mask, shake your head "A disaster…".

She traces your cheek with her fingers "I'm such a selfish bitch… here are you, feeling like shit and I'm venting about work… Do you wanna talk about it?", she asks, softly.

You shake your head "I just need you to hold me…".

Abby brings her arms around you, you let your head rest on her shoulder. She strokes your back slowly, making you relax.

"We've got each other, that's all we'll ever need…", Abby says after planting a kiss on your temple.

And you know she is right but you would like your family and your friends to really understand this.

That this is not about _experimentation_ or being _desperate, _that this is about being with the one person that makes you want to be a better person, the person that makes your life exciting and meaningful.

That this is about friendship, companionship, passion, trust. And love.


	33. Commitment

**Chapter 33- ****Commitment**

When you wake up, she's standing by the window, gazing at the surprisingly clear sky.

"Hey…", you call softly.

She turns around and smiles "Morning…".

"Come back to bed…", you grin.

Susan lays there next to you. You kiss her and pull back, she has that look she has when she has something on her mind…

"A penny for your thoughts…", you smile, as you entangle your hand in her hair.

She looks at you for a moment, then grins.

When you think she's not going to say anything, she catches your attention by resting her arm on your waist.

"Do you remember when I was with Dan… when I thought I was pregnant?", she asks cautiously.

"Of course I do… that's when it all started again…", you smile.

She smiles back, but it's a nervous smile.

"Since then, I can't stop thinking that I really want to be a mother, I've always wanted kids… And… I wanted to know how we'll stand if I tried…", she says, gauging your reaction.

"You want to have a baby?". You are surprised but not that much. She always said she wanted children...

She nods and looks at you attentively. "I'm not getting younger and I have finally a better financial situation… I just… I know this is something you have to think about… about your role in the baby's life, if you want to be part of its life at all…", she stammers.

You tell her you'll think about it and she kisses you.

---

It's a good thing you're not working, because you spend your day thinking about babies… You would like to have a child, but will you two be able to raise a kid? Is it fair to bring a child to a world where it'll surely suffer with the intolerance and homophobia? You don't want your kid to be ashamed of you… But the idea of you and Susan and a little baby just melts your heart…

She brings you back to reality when she offers you a spoonful of ice-cream.

"I thought you didn't like macadamia nuts flavor?", you frown at her.

"I don't. But you said it was your favorite…", she shrugs, looking confused.

"It is…", you smile when you realize she bought it for you…

Those little gestures make you fall for her even more, everyday… She is your soul mate, you're sure of it. And you smile at her as you cup her face "I love you so much… And you know what? I don't need to think about it… let's have a baby!", her eyes just shine and she cracks that smile that still takes your breath away…

"Are you sure?", she whispers, her voice deeper with emotion.

"I want to build a family with you…", you nod, amazed at how much her eyes sparkle and how you can't get enough of that: her smile, her eyes, her…

---

So you decided to try IVF. You told Susan how you were pregnant once and how you terminated it because of your fears of passing your crazy DNA… Susan said she wanted to carry it and you're now looking for donors. And you have to confess, you're very excited about this…

Kerry enters the lounge with Henry in her arms. You smile at the little boy "Hello Henry!".

He smiles back and Kerry asks you to hold him for a moment. You take him in your arms, playing with him and his toys…

She sits opposite you and smiles at you "How are things?".

"Great… I moved in with Susan…", you hear yourself babbling away.

She looks surprised and just smiles at you "Really? That's great! I didn't know you were back together… well, that's great, Abby!"

You don't know why, but it feels natural to talk to her about this… she has been through the same, she understands…

"Yeah, we want to have a baby… We're looking for donors…", you tell her.

"Really?! That's a huge step…"

"You think it's too early?"

"Do _you_ think it's too early?", she asks back.

"No… I think it's just about time...", you smile as Henry uses your arm as a highway for his toys…

---

"What about this one?", Susan says, handing you another donor's information.

"Huh… I don't know… says he likes Mozart!", you scoff.

"What's wrong with listening to classical music?", she shrugs.

"That's so poser_-_like! You might like it, but you don't state it when you're asked what your favorite song is…", you declare, placing is file in the "no" stash…

"If you say so…", she shrugs, looking at the next file…

"This is weird… feels like we're shopping for a baby…", you sigh.

"You changed your mind?", Susan asks nervously.

You clasp hands with her "No, I want to have this baby! It's just… I don't know… He'll want to know where he came from… and what will we say?"

She nods in silence.

"Maybe we should try someone we know…", you shrug.

"Really? Well, most of my friends from med school are married or already have kids… I don't think they'd do this… besides, I haven't spoken with them in years, it would be weird…", she sighs.

"Well, the only common friends we have are the ones that work with us…".

Susan looks at you. "Who do you have in mind? Luka?".

"He loves kids but… he really wants to have his own family, I'm sure it wouldn't be okay about rescinding his parental rights…", you reply.

"What about Carter?", she asks suddenly.

"I've known him since forever, he's our friend, he was rooting for us to be together… it makes sense!", she chuckles.

You rub your forehead "Do you think he would do this? I mean… after what happened with his baby…".

She purses her lips "Yeah… well, we can always try! Plus he's good looking, our baby would be beautiful", she chirps.

"Hey, don't get too excited, okay? We're doing in-vitro!", you laugh, teasing her.

"You're the one who used to sleep with him!", then she frowns "God, that's weird…".

"You had your chance! Now you're mine…", you coo, snuggling close to her.

---

"Sorry, I'm late!", you cry as you enter the apartment.

Susan's setting the table, you go to the kitchen and kiss her. That's the best part of living together: find her at home after a long day at work and kiss her…

"I wish I had a camera…"

You turn around and see Carter on the other side of the room, with a sly grin on his face.

"Oh, hi, didn't know you were already here…", you stammer.

Susan chuckles and orders you both to sit down. She and Carter joke and laugh, they're so natural in other's presence, no wonder they got confused and misinterpreted friendship as something more…

"So, have you two talked about it?", you ask when you can't hold it any longer.

Carter nods "I'm very honored that you thought of me for such an important role…", he jokes.

"I was explaining John that he'll have to sign a form telling he cedes us his parental rights…", Susan starts.

"You ok with that?", you ask him.

"I am but I'd like to have some contact with the baby…", he says, quietly.

"You can be the baby's uncle!", Susan chuckles.

Carter signs the donor's form. Susan clutches your hand, you smile at her.

Then he looks at you both "I still think we should try _natural_ conception first…".

You both shoot him deadly looks…

He blushes a little "Ok, ok… I just had to try…", he shrugs.

You set a date to go to the sperm bank, so you can use it when Susan's ovulating. And you promise Carter that if you ever feel like having a threesome, you'll give him a call...

You're so excited about this… The strange thing is, you never really thought about this, but now you think it makes so much sense and you want this so much…

You, her and a baby. You can't wait.

---

You're having coffee in the lounge with Luka, Sam, Ray and Neela. Susan comes in, goes to her locker, deposits her lab coat and stethoscope.

"What time are you off?", she asks as she buttons her coat.

"In two hours…", you say, looking at the clock.

"I'll see you at home, then…", she smiles and leaves.

Everyone is quietly looking at you…

"Ok, we're living together! You can stop making bets…", you mumble, feeling rattled as you place your mug in the sink.

They all share knowing smiles and looks, you decide to go see your patients.

Neela follows you "I can't believe you didn't say a thing!".

You feel yourself blushing "I've just told everyone… it's still something that I'm not completely comfortable discussing… but it doesn't make sense to hide it now…", you whisper.

"Now?", she asks, confused.

"We're trying to have a baby…", you smile.

"Oh… Wow. Huh, that's great!", you can see how surprised she is.

"Yes, it is…", you wink as you enter exam room 1.

---

"I can't believe you said 'I'll see you at home' in front of everyone!", you say while you have a cigarette by the window.

She just smiles cheekily from the couch "It came out of my mouth… besides, everyone already knew…".

"Well, you left me in a very awkward position… But it felt good to actually tell them…", you muse.

You feel the chilly breeze on your face, Susan comes behind you and embraces you "When are you going to quit?", she mumbles.

"This is officially my last pack", you proclaim, while stubbing out your cigarette.

"Really?", she frowns.

"I want our baby to grow in a healthy environment", you smile.

She brings her lips to your neck, it tickles…

"Come on, let's go to bed…". Her tone is soft but it promises so much more…


	34. The long and winding road

**Chapter 34- The long and winding road**

The ER seems relatively peaceful when you get there. You take a peek at the board, the night shift did a good job. Randi greets you "Morning Dr Lewis".

"Good morning, Randi. Where is everyone?", you ask, while you check the charts.

"Having breakfast I guess… Chen and Pratt are already here".

You make your way to the lounge, Jing-Mei and Pratt are chatting with Abby. She smiles when she sees you.

"Morning everyone!", you greet them.

You remind Jing-Mei about the new protocols, she nods and after a while they leave you two alone.

"Poor baby… you look tired…", you whisper.

"I hadn't the chance to take a nap… I'm planning to sleep all day…", she smiles.

"Try to get up before 6PM…", you tell her casually.

"Why's that? Did we plan something?", she asks, confused.

"I'm ovulating… we could go to the clinic…", you shrug, smiling.

Her eyes lighten up "Really? I'm so excited!", she grins.

"Me too! I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground, I know that the chances of getting pregnant at the first try are slim but still…".

She comes closer "Maybe you shouldn't do shift work today… you shouldn't get stressed…".

You chuckle "I'm not even pregnant and you're already treating me like I'm about to deliver?".

She releases your hair from the collar of your lab coat "I just want you to take it easy…".

"I will, don't worry… Now, go home and sleep…", you smile and lean in, kissing her goodbye.

"Oh sorry, don't mind me!", Jing-Mei appears from nowhere "… forgot my stethoscope!", she says, chuckling.

After Abby leaves, you turn to her "What's so funny?".

"You and Abby making out in here…"

"If you think that's making out, you haven't seen anything…", you smirk.

She lets out a giggle "Ok, you'll fill me in later…".

"You wish…", you both laugh as you go to the admit area.

---

You sigh disconsolately as you take a tampon from the cupboard.

"We knew it would be almost impossible to get pregnant at the first try… Don't worry…", she tries to cheer you up, lays a kiss on your shoulder.

"I was so hopeful… what if I can't get pregnant?"

She shakes her head "You're exaggerating! Some people try for months, years before they get pregnant! It's perfectly normal, you know that…".

She's right but still…

"And all this anxiety isn't good for you, either…Let's go to the movies, watch some silly comedy…", she suggests.

"I'm not really in the mood…", you whine.

"That's exactly why we're going…".

---

Two months later, still not pregnant. Abby tries her best to calm you, says you're too anxious, which is accurate, to say the least…

One evening, when you're watching TV, she creeps up behind you, places her hands on your shoulders. She rubs them gently, you look up at her, she has a suspicious smile. She sits next to you, strokes you thigh "So… I was thinking, you'll be ovulating in a few days, right?"

You nod.

Abby comes closer "I had this idea… why don't we try doing it here?".

"You mean home-conception? I don't know… are you familiar with the procedure?".

"Lots of people do it. We're doctors, I'm sure we can wing it…", she smiles.

She senses your indecision, pets your hair behind your ear "It's just… I want to make our baby with you, not with a bunch of people around… You and me, in our bed…", she leans closer, her lips pepper your neck with kisses…

"Mmm…", you moan quietly, letting your hands play with her hair, keeping her close "I think I like that idea…".

You plan everything like a date, it's kind of cute. That day, Abby comes home with everything: syringes, catheters, diaphragm, and, of course, Carter's semen…

She stops when she sees you in a silky robe "Wow… You look stunning…".

You smile, but you don't hide your anxiety "I'm nervous…".

"Me too… but I have this feeling that it's going to happen today…", she gives you a sexy smile and adds "Just let me set everything and I'll be right there…".

You go to your room and put some soft music to set the mood. Abby joins you and places everything in the nightstand. You press your body against her back, your lips kiss the back of neck, she presses into you… You lift her arms and help her out of her shirt. Your hands ramble down her torso, you circle her navel, scraping lightly with your fingernails. Abby throws her head back, you capture her lips and your tongues duel each other…

She turns and cups the back of your head, your lips meet again and you keep that delicious teasing and foreplay for a long moment. She tries to open your robe, you help her. She cups your breasts, smiles against your lips "You have the most perfect boobs…".

You giggle at that and you watch her caressing you, the way she moves her hands so reverently, you shudder a little when she rubs your nipples… she sucks at each one of them, just a little, then blows and you feel shivers everywhere…

You sit on the edge of the bed and you bring her closer to you, your lips and tongue exploring her stomach, you know how sensitive she is there… her hands are at your shoulders, she pets your hair occasionally. You sink your teeth in her flesh, just to make her whimper a little, then you open the fly of her pants and slide them down, she kicks them away, as well as her socks.

Abby comes and kneels on the bed, you do the same but go behind her. You decide to trail her spine with your tongue… then you tug at her panties and they end up somewhere. She turns and pushes you to the mattress, straddling you, then hovering over you, her hair cascades onto you… you decide to sit up and you both stay like that, entangled in each other, looking at each other…

"You're so…", you trail away. "I love you, Abby…", you whisper. You don't want her to ever forget that.

While she kisses you, you unclasp her bra, the last garment she has on. She moans in your mouth when you start playing with her breasts, rubbing them against your palms. Now it's your turn to push her down. You cover her body with yours, placing your leg between her own… You can feel her… she rubs herself against your thigh as you continue to suck at her breasts, loving their texture, their softness, the light saltiness of the areolas… you kiss your way up to her face, because you love looking at her… she's so flushed, you love to see her like that.

You kiss her again and you feel her taking your hand and you can't help but gasp when you feel her wetness… her clitoris is hard as a marble so you just circle it slowly… Still, she convulses in your arms when you do that, closing her eyes in ecstasy. You bury your head in her neck, kissing, nibbling at it, while your other hand strokes her breast sensuously. She's moaning and asks for more. You fingers slip in easily and you're now both trembling with excitement… your fingers must brush a particularly sensitive zone, because Abby groans and grips at your hair, pulling you to her even more… "Yes! Don't stop, baby… please, don't stop…", she begs you so you redouble your efforts, drawing your fingers deeper in long strokes… And when she comes, her nails sink so hard in your back, that you think she's going to draw blood… but just to see her like that, glowing beautifully, you don't care.

You pull back and watch her breathing, her chest rising and falling rhythmically…

"That was… boring…", she jokes when she catches her breath. She stays a minute or two in silence, just looking at you. You like when she does that.

Then she settles on her side and lets her hand wander up and down your body, really slowly, caressing you with fingertips, the palm and sides of her hand, scratching just a little with her nails…

Abby straddles you and you try to throw your arms around her waist but she takes your wrists and pins your hands over your head… Gripping them one-handedly, she kisses your face, ears, cheeks, your biceps… her tongue sweeps down your arm and she tickles you under your arm, you giggle when she does that and she pulls back, smiling "I love to see you smile…", she coos.

Her mouth returns to your body, kissing your shoulders, down to your breasts, while her hands stroke your sides and thighs… you're so turned on, you know you're not going to last much longer… you tremble when her lips explore your sex expertly, her tongue sweeping your clitoris and you start feeling your lower back burning… Abby somehow curls an arm under your waist and pull you to her even more, your vision goes blurry… she bites gently but teasingly at your clitoris and you feel pleasure taking you over, irradiating from the middles of your legs to every muscle and nerve… you jerk and your legs curl around Abby's neck, you try not to strangle her but right now you don't have much control over your movements…

Still, you sense her going to the nightstand and, even with your eyes closed, you know what she's doing. Your OB said the probabilities are higher if you do it when you are aroused. She does it quickly- must be all those years working as an OB nurse…- and you feel her pulling at your legs.

"Lift them up, sweetie…", she smiles.

"I don't think I can…", you smile back, feeling so sated and relaxed.

She inserts the diaphragm and lifts your legs in the air, kneeling in front of you, to make sure you keep them like that.

You both lock eyes with each other, aware that this can be a very magical moment… Her thumb strokes your right leg, she kisses your calf "Cross your fingers…", she winks.

---

Weeks later, you page Elizabeth to a consult for a gangrenous toe. It surely looks- _and smells_- surgical and the patient doesn't stop quiet. You ask Sam to hold him while you try to clean the wound, but the smell of the rotting flesh is just too much.

When Corday gets there, you excuse yourself and go to the toilets wash your face. You look at yourself at the mirror, you're so pale… You realize you're going to throw up and you lock yourself in a cubicle.

Only when you return to the sink, it hits you… Are you…? You storm past the doors, ignore Morris on the way, and you go to the suture room. It's empty and you lock the door. You find a syringe and try nervously to find a vein…

"Damn it!", you wince as you fail several times before hitting it…

You ask one of the med students to take it to the lab and tell them it's urgent. You ask for a Chem-7 too, not to be too suspicious…

The next couple of hours seem endless. That med student comes back, with a nervous look. "Huh… Dr Lewis? That patient of yours… Mr Smith… he's _pregnant_…", he says, looking concerned.

It takes all your restrain not to explode right there… "Are you sure?", you reply, still too excited.

Your hands shake as you grab the chart. You feel tears creeping up when you read the results. "The Lab must've screwed up…", you smile at him.

The kid must think you've gone crazy… you try to keep a straight face "It happens sometimes… Too many patients, you know? But it's still not acceptable, don't worry, I'll talk to them. Thanks".

You go to the elevator and only when you reach the roof you let a cry of joy. You look at the chart over and over again, just to be sure it's really you… you call Abby and tell her to meet you at the park to have lunch.

She's already there when you arrive, you sit next to her and you have this huge urge to kiss her…

She looks at you with a frowned expression "Ok, what's going on? You look _possessed_, Susan…".

You laugh and take the paper from your pocket, hand it to her. You point at the results of the pregnancy test.

She covers her mouth with her hands, when she looks at you, you notice she has tears in her eyes and you just nod at her "We did it… I'm pregnant, Abby…".

And the rest seems to happen in slow motion, Abby's hand creeps up behind your neck and you realize she's going to kiss you there, in front of everyone, for the first time…

And you don't care. This is the happiest moment of your life.


	35. Connected

**Chapter 35- Connected **

When Susan gets home, she stops on her tracks when she sees you throwing clothes in a bag.

"What's going on?", she asks, surprised.

You sigh "My brother was arrested in Vegas… Must be off his meds… I have to go…".

She looks at you concerned "Did they say what happened? Is he okay?".

You sit on the edge of the bed "He was screaming in the middle of the street at 4 AM, completely drunk… He's manic, I know it…", you say, rubbing your forehead.

She sits next to you "I'm sorry about that… Tell you what, just let me call County and I'll go with you, ok?".

"No, no. You stay here", you shake your head.

"I want to go…", she insists, while you finish packing up.

"You don't have to deal with this, Susan…".

"Your problems are my problems, too!", she says.

You shake you head and she sighs "Why are you shutting me out?".

You look at her and place your hand on her arm "I'm not shutting you out… I just don't think you should be dealing with this…".

"I've gone through the same several times with Chloe… I know how hard it is to go through all that alone… And I want to be there for you…", she smiles.

You smile at her "And this is exactly why I love you so much… But I want you to stay here… Last time he had violent spurts and… I want you to be here, safe at home, ok? I don't want to be nervous, worried about something happening to you… and the baby", you tell her softly.

She nods, reluctantly.

You add "Besides, it'll only take about two days. I'm going there and have him committed in a psychiatric facility and that's it… Eric has to start taking responsibility for himself, I can't keep doing that forever…", you mumble.

" Are you sure you're going to be okay on your own?".

"I am... God, I already miss you…", you smile, letting your hand rest on her lower abdomen, stroking it gently…

"Should I cancel the ultrasound?", she asks.

Oh, great. You had forgotten about that... Her first ultrasound is in two days, her OB had her agenda full, did you a favor by getting you an appointment…

"Damn it!", you shake your head in frustration.

"It's okay, we can reschedule it…".

"No, you should do it! I'm so sorry I won't be there… But you definitely should do it, I want to be sure our baby is okay…".

"Okay, then… Just take care of yourself… and call me if you need something… or just talk…", she smiles sweetly.

"I'll call you when I get there, okay?", you say, pulling her to a kiss.

---

The police station is full of people. You're about to ask a desk clerk where to find the officer who called you, when you hear someone calling your name.

"Abby?".

You turn around and see Maggie, on a chair.

"Mum, what are you doing here?", you frown.

She looks at you for a moment "He's my son, what do you think I'm doing here?".

You shrug "They contacted me, too… have you talked with him?".

She nods "He called me, that's why I'm here. He's scared, he doesn't want to be committed…".

You interrupt her "He has to! I can't take care of him right now! And you know what'll happen if he doesn't start treatment!".

Maggie touches your arm to get your attention "I know that, sweetie… They gave me some pamphlets about local clinics…".

You look at her surprised "So, you're going to commit him?". You were ready for a big fight. She looks _way_ too calm.

"He's going to hate me for a while, but it's for his own good…".

A tall man interrupts you "Mrs. Wyczenski?".

It's Eric's lawyer. He says that Eric will only be released tomorrow morning.

"Can I see him?", you ask.

"Not today, I'm afraid… Visits are restricted…".

You came all the way from Chicago and now you can't even see him…

Your mother and the lawyer carry on talking, you decide to go outside get some fresh air.

You call Susan.

"Hey, it's me…".

"How's Eric?".

You tell her you haven't had the opportunity to talk to him. You tell her about your mum, about the lawyer…

"And how are you?", she asks.

"Tired… Tomorrow's going to be tough, I'm sure he's going to flip out… Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm okay… I'll see you in two days…".

"Okay... _We_ miss you…", she says softly.

You smile " Me too… I love you… bye". You flip off your phone.

You notice your mum's looking at you, intrigued.

"So… where are you staying?", she asks.

"Huh, I still have to arrange that… what about you?".

"Same. Maybe we can do that together?", she smiles.

"Ok, sure…".

You find a small hotel, they tell you they only have one double room available.

You look at each other "If that's okay with you…", she says.

"Sure…", you nod.

While you're in the shower, Maggie asks you if you want to order pizza.

"Ok!", you shout back.

After you finish eating, an uncomfortable silence settles. You look at each other, until you ask her how she is.

" Oh… I'm fine. Haven't skipped my meds since that last time…", she smiles.

"That's great, mum… How is Barry?".

She frowns at you "Barry?... Oh, you mean Bob!", she chuckles.

You nod "Yeah, Bob!", you smile, feeling like the America's worst daughter…

"I dumped him!", she chirps.

" Oh, I'm sorry about that…", you reply.

"Don't be! He couldn't keep up with me!", she winks at you.

"Mum!", you moan, embarrassed at the way this conversation is heading…

"What? Oh, Abby, stop being so narrow-minded! You think I don't enjoy sex like everyone else?".

You refuse to discuss this with her "Ok! I just don't _need_ to know the details…".

"What about you? I heard you on the phone...".

"I'm great…", you smile.

She examines you for a long moment "You look good, sweetie… Relaxed… I haven't seen you like that in a very long time… Anyone from work?", she asks.

You feel rattled. How are you supposed to tell her this?

"I'm very happy, right now… I… I'm in love with someone who loves me back so strongly… who loves me just the way I am… And… I think I have that right… to be happy…", you stumble.

"Of course you have! What are you talking about, Abby?", she smiles.

"I know this will come as a shock and I'd like you to understand that I've never been happier so… so, if you can't accept that, I'll be very sorry, but I won't give up on this person…", your throat feels so dry that it burns...

She just looks at you, confused "What's going on? I don't know what you're talking about...".

"Do you remember Susan Lewis from County? You met her the last time you were in Chicago…", you start.

"The blonde one? Yes, she was very nice!", she smiles. You realize she's not getting your point…

"Huh… We're good friends… Huh… We got closer and… huh…", you feel your cheeks reddening…

Then, suddenly, it hits her. Her eyes widen, she covers her mouth with her hand.

"Abby… you're telling me you're… gay?".

_That word… _

"I… I don't know what I am… but I know that I'm in love with her like I never was before… And she's so good to me… She doesn't try to change me or tell me how I should feel… she just loves me the way I am: flawed, incoherent, complicated… And with her I feel I don't have to keep up a façade, you know? Because she sees me as I am and she understands me… we even have similar backgrounds…", you trail away, never looking into her eyes…

"I understand if you can't accept all I'm telling you. It took me quite a long time to accept it, myself… But I don't want to pretend anymore…", you shrug.

And for a while, none of you speaks.

"You underestimate me, Abby. You always did…", she declares.

You look at her, surprised.

"But it's understandable…". She stops for a moment and then continues.

"You're telling me you're very happy. What kind of person would I be if I wasn't happy to hear that from my own daughter? I won't say I'm not _surprised_ but… as long as you are happy… if she loves you and treats you right, respects you… You went through a lot that you shouldn't have to… you deserve that happiness. I'd love to be a grandmother but as long as you're happy, I think I can live with that…", she smiles.

God, you feel so… relieved and at peace with yourself. You're overwhelmed…

"Huh… well, I think I have good news for you, then… Susan's pregnant… we're having a baby", you chuckle between tears.

She smiles at you so sincerely. You see her eyes watering. She opens hers arms and envelopes you in a silent hug.

And right there, all the confrontation and the tension that kept pushing you away for decades, disappear. Right now you're the little girl who used to fall asleep nested in your mum's arms, before the disease, before everything went wrong...

You finally make peace with your past.

"You're going to be an incredible mother, Abby", she whispers softly into your ear.

---

When you open the door you feel so happy to be here, at home. Susan's sat on the couch, greets you "Hey!".

You drop the bag and go sit next to her. You embrace her so tightly, she chuckles "I missed you, too…".

"How's your brother?", she says, realigning your collar.

You tell her how out of it he was, how much he begged you not to commit him… You tell her that you mum's staying with him and is going to take him home with her.

And then you just look at her, smiling.

"Why are you so giddy?", she cocks a brow.

You chuckle "I told my mother about us, about the baby!". She looks at you shocked, but positively shocked…

You nod "You heard it, I told her everything! And it was so… liberating! I felt so good, afterwards! And can you believe she was incredibly supportive?! I mean, I don't even remember a time when I felt more connected to her! It was just…", you shake your head, failing to find the right words.

Susan just flashes that smile that melts you… "I'm soo happy for you!".

She just looks so radiant. Has a special spark in her eyes… She takes something from a small envelope on the coffee table and hands it to you.

You smile when you realize it's a photo from the ultrasound. You feel all kind of emotions creeping up inside you when you notice the little point… your baby's heart…

_But wait… _

You look at Susan incredulously…

She just nods, smiling with tears in her eyes "We're having twins, Abby…".


	36. I promise you

**Chapter 36- I promise you  
**

You closely examine your naked reflection in the mirror. The bump is only noticeable when you're undressed but your breasts are clearly swollen; in a few weeks none of your bras will fit you… You notice her leaning against the doorframe "Mmm, sexy…", she smiles.

You turn around and smile at her "People must be wondering if I had a boob job…".

"Like you need one… You're perfect, baby…", she comes closer, embracing you.

"Let's see if you say that in a few months…", you giggle.

Abby chuckles and lays kisses down your neck and chest, kissing all the way down to your tummy "Did you hear that, little ones? Mummy can be very loony, sometimes…", she whispers to your bellybutton… You pet her hair tenderly, as she continues to stroke and kiss your stomach.

When she stands up, she entangles a finger in your hair "I should go with you…".

You shake your head "Believe me, you don't want to meet the Lewis clan, right now…".

Everyone is still outraged with the news. But Aunt Sarah loves you very much and she's the only one who's been supportive…

"We should be facing this together…".

"Don't worry, I can handle them. I'm just worried about my father, he's not returning my calls…", you mutter.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?", she says, tilting your chin in her direction.

"I'm sure… Now go, residents don't get to arrive late", you smirk.

She comes close to kiss you, smiles against your lips "You're pulling rank on me?".

"Someone has to be in charge…", you slur back at her.

"I love when you are…", she pauses to kiss you "…in charge…", she frames your face in her hands, that sexy smile you love in her face…

---

"Happy birthday, Aunt Sarah…", you greet as she hugs you affectionately.

"I'm glad you came, sweetheart!", she smiles as she closes the door behind you.

"Who's here?", you gauge as you hang your coat.

When she shrugs you know everyone turned up… you're the new freak show in town…

Dinner goes uneventful. You try to smile at your cousin's Jack lame jokes but you can't help noticing how tense your father looks. Jack, as the great asshole he is, smirks at you "So… Suse. We were hoping you would bring that _friend_ of yours…". Giggles.

"Which friend?", you smirk back at him, your tone full of irony.

He shares looks with his sister "Huh… that special friend of yours…".

_What an ass. _

You place down your fork and knife, look at him straight in the eyes "You mean my _girlfriend_?".

You think you can hear him gasp. You realize it's the first time you've referred to Abby as your girlfriend… In your head, she's always _just_ Abby.

Aunt Sarah comes to the rescue "I'd like to meet her…", she smiles.

"She had a shift tonight…", you say, looking at your father who keeps on eating, like he's not paying attention.

"She's a doc, too?", Uncle Joe inquires.

"Yes, she's a resident at County…"

"So that's why you were never lucky with men!". This is Joan's idea of a joke…

You stare at her "That coming from someone who's going to get married for the fourth time…", you scoff. She glares at you.

You sigh "It just happened that all the qualities I was looking for were in this person and that person happened to be a woman…" you're obviously not going to explain how everything started between you and her…

After dinner, you notice your father in the terrace. You go talk to him.

"Hey dad…". He doesn't move, so you settle next to him.

"Look… I know this is hard for you… but I'm still the same person. I love you, dad and I'd like my children to know their grandfather…".

"When they realize that all their friends have a mother and a father, what you gonna say then?", he faces you.

"They have a father, too. And I'll tell them that they have two mothers that love them more than anything in this world..."

---

You don't know why it's called 'morning sickness' if it goes on all day… you fan yourself and drink some water. Abby gets home, all excited, her arms full of bags from the grocery shop.

"Are you feeling better?", she asks from the kitchen.

"Not really…"

"You should take some Compazine… Oh, look what I've bought…", she smiles throwing you one of the bags.

You smile at the two tiny t-shirts with 'I love my mommies' embroidered in their fronts…

"It's so cute, Abby…".

She sits next to you, "hey… you're crying?".

"Damn hormones…", you say wiping the tears away.

"Aw, come here…", you snuggle into her and she kisses the top of your head.

"I'm so scared…", you finally confide.

She tightens her embrace "I know. I am, too. But we have each other, we have friends and I know we'll be okay. We can do this, Susan…".

---

Your eyes get lost in the placidity of the suburbs. You're only twenty minutes away from the city, but it feels so far away. Trees dance as the warm breeze tickles them, you look at Abby, as her fingers tap along the steering wheel.

Her long hair has now some graceful curls and you let your left hand rest on the nape of her neck. She smiles, her eyes still on the road, stretches her neck to let your fingers trail up and down, under her dark mass of hair.

Today is the big day, you're moving in to the new house. Your apartment was barely big enough for you two, let alone with two babies on the way… You made a good deal selling it and saw a few houses but you both fell instantly in love with this place. Four bedrooms, a lovely lounge, a little garden and a backyard for the kids. It was a little over what you wanted to pay, but it's definitely worth it .

"We're here", Abby chirps as she parks in front of your new address. You get out of the car and just take a deep breath of fresh air.

When you enter the house, you hardly recognize it. Last time you were here, half of the furniture hadn't been delivered, it looks so different now. Abby took a few days off to arrange everything, stubbornly insisting that you shouldn't worry with anything…

"So… does it look okay?", she asks nervously.

"Everything is so perfect… I can't believe all this…", you whisper in awe.

---

Since you found out you were pregnant, Abby rubs your stomach, breasts and thighs with some anti-stretch marks cream every night. She does it so willingly, like it's some kind of ritual. You find your eyes welling up most of times, just by the look on her face: how tenderly she strokes your stomach and talks to your growing belly…

She will always start with your breasts, which always leaves you both pretty excited and then descends to your stomach and strokes it lazily, kissing it lovingly and resting her ear against it, lost in the sounds of the babies moving and kicking around… Then her hands go lower and she massages your thighs and that's when the real fun begins… Let's just say that everything they say about a pregnant woman's sex drive is pretty much true…

The first time you felt them moving inside you, you were running the board with Pratt and you felt like your insides were being rummaged through … It felt so alien, but yet so incredible… Abby actually cried the first time she felt them kicking. And then you cried too, which isn't that surprising, everything gets you nowadays…

She's now listening to their heart-beats with her stethoscope. You smile at how absorbed and faraway she looks… like she's daydreaming.

"Everything okay…", she winks. Then she curls behind to you, her hand gliding along the already prominent curve of your belly, intertwining her fingers with yours.

---

Slowly, your eyes focus on the sleeping beauty besides you. You yawn and stretch your limbs, loving the softness of the sheets against your skin. On your side, you throw a leg across her hips and slide your hand up her ribcage, press your lips on her throat, nibble just a little…

She moans something, flutters her eyes. "Morning…", she murmurs, sleepily.

"Good morning…", you whisper in her ear, she smiles with closed eyes.

Oh well, you know how to wake her…

You tunnel under the sheets, your hands and mouth trailing that path you've done so many times before… You spread her legs and your tongue makes sure she wakes up in a good mood. Your hands reach up and tease her nipples, she keeps your hands on her breasts, her moans increasingly bolder…

Abby climaxes and you look up when you hear a loud bang. "Ouch! Oh, fuck…", she flinches after accidentally punching the headboard.

You chuckle and rest your chin on her stomach, admiring her chest undulating… you cup one of her breasts "What a view…", you smile, kissing her flat abdomen.

She looks down and smiles, pulling you up. You lay your head next to her, hogging her pillow.

"What a wake-up call…", she says, leaning to kiss you.

---

Later that day, you work on a couple involved in a MVA. He has minor injuries, but she's in bad shape. Plus, she's pregnant. She has massive internal bleeding and going into premature labor… You can't save both.

You and Chen work on her. You feel rattled when she starts convulsing. Jing-Mei senses your discomfort and asks Luka to cover for you. You nod at her in appreciation and leave the trauma room breathless and overwhelmed. That woman is 7 months pregnant, just like you…

Abby is talking to the husband. You overhear her telling him that he will have to decide what the next course of action will be… Choose between his dying wife or his unborn child…

You discard your bloody gown and head to the elevators. You hide in your office, hoping they don't need you downstairs for the rest of the day…

A few hours later, Abby comes to check on you. She looks worriedly at you "Hey, how are you? You disappeared…".

You look at her "What happened to them?".

She stares at you quietly for a moment "The baby didn't make it…", she mutters.

You feel your eyes watering, you blink back the tears, close your eyes.

"Baby, you shouldn't get nervous like this… I was worried about you…", she says, taking your hands in hers.

You nod in silence and face her "Promise me one thing…", you start.

"What?".

"I need you to promise me that if something happens during birth or something…", Abby lays her fingers on your lips.

"Shush, don't say that…", she shakes her head slowly.

You remove her hand from your face "Just listen to me… If something happens, I want you…".

She shakes her head vigorously "Stop saying that, ok? Nothing will happen!".

"Abby!", you speak up to regain her attention. "You know the dozens of things that can go wrong during labor…". She tries to speak, but you held your hand up.

"If it comes to the point where you have to choose between me and the babies… I want you to promise me that you'll make sure nothing happens to them…", you clutch her hand, she keeps on shaking her head, now with wet eyes, too.

"I can't do that, Susan…".

You're about to protest, but she holds your face in her hands, looking closely at you. "But I promise you that everything will be okay. You hear me? We'll be okay, the four of us. I promise you that.".


	37. Bundles of joy

**Chapter 37- Bundles of joy **

You and Susan gasp as you open the various boxes full of clothes, toys and all sorts of baby items.

"John… this is too much! How much did you spend on all this?", she shakes her head at Carter.

He waves his hand on the hair " Oh, I wanted to buy something but I wasn't sure so…", he trails away.

"So you bought the whole shop? Thank you, but you didn't have to…", you smile at him.

He shrugs his shoulders, then turns to her "So, how are you feeling?".

"I haven't seen my feet in weeks, my back is killing me, nothing fits me… all joys of pregnancy!", then she flinches "Isn't it fun to play soccer using mummy's bladder as a ball?", she winces in a pseudo-whisper as she rubs her stomach.

Carter lays his hand and pats her belly, feeling them kicking "This is amazing…". You see a hint of sadness in his eyes.

_Memories from his own baby_…

"So when does Kem arrive?", you ask him.

His face lights up "In a month. I can't believe she agreed to move in here…", he smiles sheepishly.

"I'm very happy for you. I'm sure you'll be very happy together…", you say, sincerely.

He smiles and you feel relieved that all the animosity that existed between you two is all gone. You both moved on.

---

You stand at the kitchen's counter, waiting for your coffee to cool down, reading New England's Medical Journal. Susan creeps up behind you, her lips kissing the back of your neck, her hands groping your breasts, you stop her before she cups you between your legs.

"Baby… I'm reading…", you smile at her.

She keeps on kissing you, stops when she realizes you're not in the mood…

"That's a first… you've never said no before…", she scoffs, grumpy.

You sigh and smile "It's 4 in the afternoon and we've already did it 3 times … I'm sorry, but it's hard to keep up with you these days!", you chuckle at her.

She shrugs and lies on the couch, pouting.

"I can't blame you, really… I'm Moby Dick…", she sighs heavily.

You lay down your journal and join her, kneel on the floor next to the couch. "Don't say that. You are so beautiful... And like this, even more… Sometimes at work, I look at you and just want to lock you inside a room and make love to you…". you whisper softly in her ear,

She chuckles and shakes her head "I'm sorry… must be my hormones, my emotions go up and down…".

"I know…", you say, leaning your head on her chest and letting your hand stroke her bulging stomach.

---

One evening when you arrive from work, she's squatting down against a wall, her eyes closed and murmuring some king of mantra.

"Everything okay?", you ask, while sorting out the mail.

"I'm having contractions…", she says, rubbing her belly.

You drop everything " Are you sure? How far apart?", you kneel next to her, run a hand through her hair.

"3 to 5 minutes…".

"For how long?".

"Every hour…", she shrugs.

"Why didn't you page me?"

"I thought they were Braxton Hicks…".

You help her up and gesture her to lie on the couch. You go to the bathroom and wash your hands, get hold of some lube.

You probe your fingers inside her and she looks at you, expectantly.

"4 centimeters… That's it, we're going to the hospital…". You smile in reassurance to calm her down, but inside you're panicking.

"I need to have a shower first…", she sighs as she tries to stand up.

"Ok. I'll set everything… Yell if you need me", you say, while you help her.

She stops at the door, looks at you "We're going to have our babies…".

You smile at her "I can't wait to meet our children…".

While she takes her shower, you go get the bags that have been patiently waiting in your room for the last few days. Baby clothes, Susan's clothes, you check everything several times. You go to the bathroom and help her out of the tub, drape a towel around her. She smiles "They're nervous too, look…", she says placing your hand on her belly.

You lean down and press a kiss above her navel "Hey, little ones… It's okay… your mummies are right here waiting for you…".

---

You call County from your cell phone and when you get there, Chen and Luka are waiting for you.

"How far apart are the contractions?", she asks you.

"Two minutes", you reply.

"Did her water break?".

"You know, Deb, I'm right here, you can ask me!", Susan scoffs, hissing through the pain.

Chen just smiles at her "It's okay Susan, just remember to breath through the pain… Coburn's upstairs waiting for you".

"Coburn?!", Susan's head shoots up, she sighs "Isn't there anyone else available?".

You stroke her forehead "She's a great OB…", you try to reason.

"And she's a bitch, too".

Luka laughs and holds the elevator door for you "I'm sure everything will be okay! Good luck", he winks.

When you reach the floor, Chen signs her chart and they place her in a room. Susan's sweating, the contractions are now stronger. You hold her hand and try to soothe her, but you know there's not much you can do right now… You keep remembering her to breathe, she just glares at you "I'm trying!".

Janet Coburn appears, already gowned, greets you both.

"The anesthesiologist is on his way…", she smiles.

"How long?", you ask.

"A couple of minutes. Ok, Susan, I need you to relax…", she says before examining her womb.

Susan flinches, you come closer.

"Dilated at 6 centimeters. Completely effaced. Zero station", says Coburn. "Let's start the Pitocin at 2 per minute and up it every 20 minutes", she adds.

"I'm so thirsty…", Susan whispers at you.

You nod and get her a glass of water.

When Coburn comes back, you're already gowned too.

She tells her "I'm going to rupture your membranes to help you move along, ok?".

Susan looks at you and then nods at her.

"It's okay, sweetie, almost there…", you smile sweetly.

She grunts and closes her eyes, Coburn looks up "Contraction?".

Susan nods quickly, you tell her to squeeze your hand. With your other hand you wipe her forehead.

"You're doing great. We'll get the epidural working soon... take a good deep breath".

"Heart-rate is 150 with type-1 dips", the nurse announces.

"Is that a normal decel?", Susan asks, startled.

"Yeah, it's good cardiac activity", you smile at her in reassurance.

She's trembling in pain, looks at you shaking her head "I don't know what I was thinking… I don't know if I can…Oooohh", she screams and almost crushes your hand.

"The baby's crowning!", Coburn says.

"Almost there, baby! Just breathe!", you try to encourage her. You heart is pumping hard in your chest.

"Blow hard, 3, 2,1!", you say and breathe with her.

"Okay, one more should do it…", Coburn smiles.

Susan pushes, she's crying in pain. You hate the fact that there's nothing you can do… you keep whispering her calming words that you don't believe in… you're so anxious.

"Susan, push. I don't want to use suction. All right?".

"I thought you said it was crowning!!", Susan yells.

"Just one more push, Lewis!".

"I can't!", she cries.

"Yes, you can. Come on, baby. We're almost there!", you kiss the back of her hand.

After a while, Coburn's head shoots up "Okay, the head is out! You can stop, stop pushing!".

And everything seems to stop when you hear the baby crying for the first time. Susan's crying, you're crying, too.

"It's a boy!", Coburn smiles as she takes him out.

"A boy!" Susan whispers in awe at you. You had decided you didn't want to know their sexes.

You feel so sluggish. You try to take a peek "Is he okay?", your voice breaking with emotion.

"He's perfect and healthy!", Coburn smiles as they suction his nose. "Want to cut the cord?".

You nod and come close and you finally meet your son. This little pink mass looking at you with curious eyes…

You cut the cord and hold him, smiling and crying at the same time. "Hello baby, this is your mommy…", you smile and kiss him in the forehead. He keeps on looking at you and you think you're going to pass out with emotion.

You go next to Susan and lay him on her chest. And you think you're going to remember that image forever: Susan smiling as she lovingly looks at your baby for the first time…

"He's beautiful, Abby…", she says, never taking her eyes off of him. You nod, and rest your chin over her shoulder "Yes, he is… You did great, sweetie", you whisper, kissing her temple.

They take him to do the tests and the nurse tells Coburn the details on the other baby. The anesthesiologist arrives and gives her the epidural. Susan rest with eyes closed, she's exhausted.

"I can't believe I'm having another… I just want to sleep for 3 months…", she mumbles.

You chuckle, stroke her cheek "Almost there… one down, one to go…".

It takes a few hours. Coburn suspected of a prolapsed cord, but it ended up going fine. Your daughter was born precisely two and a half hours after her brother.

"A little girl! I can't believe it", Susan laughs. You feel overwhelmed with joy, you weren't expecting to feel like this. When you hold her for the first time you feel so much love and joy bubbling inside you. You can't hear what's going on around you, you just look at this little creature who's still angrily crying her lungs out…

"This one's trouble…", you chuckle between tears as you introduce her to Susan.

"Hello princess…", Susan whispers as she kisses her forehead.

"She's so precious… she looks like you… You did it, baby…".

Susan looks up, tears in her eyes "No, we did it, Abby…".

---

While you hold Mark in your arms, Susan's breastfeeding Audrey for the first time.

You instruct her "Wait till she opens her mouth completely… Yeah, like that…".

Susan's eyes widen "Ouch! She's ripping off my nipple!".

You chuckle "Our little girl's a natural…", you smile proudly as you lay a kiss on your son's forehead.

You've held so many babies before, but this feeling is so new, so exciting… you catch yourself noticing every possible detail: how fair and soft their hair is, how sweet they smell, how Audrey locks eyes with her mother as she sucks rhythmically on her breast, how Mark's little hand grips your thumb…

"I didn't think it was possible to feel this happy…", you confess.

Susan looks at you with those beautiful eyes, smiles at you "The best part is that this is only the beginning".


	38. The visit

**Chapter 38- The visit**

"I know I'm biased, but they're so beautiful… they are perfect", Abby gushes as you both watch them sleeping.

You nod and tuck them in. You look at them in silence and when you're sure they are fast asleep, Abby leads you to the lounge. When you lie on the couch, she adjusts the quilt over your knees, lifts your feet and places them on her lap.

"I'm exhausted…", you sigh, throwing your head back, resting it on the arm of the couch. She smiles and rubs your feet under the quilt.

"Oh, you have a lifetime to stop that…", you chuckle.

"I know… get used to it…", she winks.

"I keep expecting to wake up from all this…", Abby says after a long moment in silence.

You open your eyes and look at her "I know… Sometimes I think how my life would have been if I had stayed in Phoenix…".

"You'd probably be dating some cowboy…", she giggles.

"Already did that… didn't work", you shrug.

"I'm glad you came back to Chicago", she says, then she lowers her eyes "I can't imagine my life without you…".

You feel all warm inside when she says stuff like this. "You don't have to…", you whisper while sitting up.

She smiles and pulls you to her, you rest your head on her shoulder. "This is my favorite place on earth…", you whisper.

Abby chuckles "You're such a sap…", kisses your head.

"Oh, and you're so _cool_ and distant…", you tease.

She tightens her hug, laughs quietly "Not with you… you _dismantle_ me…".

"Now, _that_ was corny!".

---

You sit on the steps of your backyard, the baby monitor next to you, stretch your legs and throw your head back, enjoying the warm breeze. You roll your pants up, hoping to tan your legs a little.

It's funny how you survive double shifts but two babies wear you out completely… You spend your time breastfeeding, changing diapers, changing their clothes after they throw up on them, cleaning the house…

Abby had to go back to work, otherwise she'll never complete that damned residency…

It's exhausting but you love it. You can spend hours just looking at them, analyzing everything about them… It's funny how, even though they're so little, they clearly have different personalities. Mark is a very quiet baby, sleeps for hours and even when he wakes up in the middle of the night, doesn't cry, just stays gurgling on his crib. Audrey, on the other hand, cries every time she wants your attention, which is pretty much all the time…

The telephone startles you. You stand up and go to the kitchen, recognize the familiar number.

"Hey…"

"Hi… How are things back there?", Abby asks.

"Everything okay. They're asleep and I was enjoying the sun…", you answer, as you nibble on an apple.

"Do you have the monitor with you? Mark seemed a little fluey…".

You interrupt her "Of course I had. He's okay, don't worry. I know what I'm doing!".

You know she means well, but she worries too much…

"I'm sorry… I just… I hate that I can't be there with you…".

You smile "It's ok, baby… So how busy is the ER today?".

It's crazy, but you kind of miss it…

"Oh, same ol', just our frequent flyers…Pablo's on a rampage because Haleh's not here…", you both chuckle.

"Ok, so I'll see you later…"

"Sure… kiss the kids for me".

You go check on them, smile when your notice your son's little arms waving in the air. You hover over him "Hello little man…", you whisper.

He waves his arms and kicks his feet in response, you take him in your arms, kiss his forehead.

"Wanna help mummy with dinner?", you murmur at him, making sure his sister doesn't wake up.

---

The only sound capable to wake you from profound sleep becomes increasingly clearer.

You open your eyes, try to disengage from Abby's arms. You tap her hand on your waist lightly, she sighs half-awake "What?...".

"The baby's crying…".

She rolls "I'll get it, go back to sleep…", she says, searching for her robe.

You tuck yourself between the covers, close your eyes again.

_What is it, little princess?_

You hear her voice through the baby monitor. Audrey calms down as soon as Abby holds her.

_Yes, you're such a beautiful girl, aren't you? __So precious, just like your mummy… _

Abby's calming voice soothes your daughter and yourself.

After a while Abby crawls into bed, you shift to your side and see her placing a very awake Audrey between you two.

"She's cranky, I don't want her to wake Mark…", Abby says.

You nod, stroke your little girl's cheek "You're gonna be a good girl and let your mummies sleep, aren't you?".

She gurgles, clearly happy to be with you.

Abby shakes her head playfully "She already runs the place at this age…".

---

One afternoon, after putting them to sleep and doing some yoga exercises, the door bell surprises you. You weren't expecting anyone. Maybe it's Carter, he comes to see you every week.

You're even more surprised when you recognize the petite woman on the door way.

"Mrs. Wyczenski … Hi", you say, confused.

She smiles at you, crushes you in a hug "Hello dear! How are you?", pulls back and looks at you "You look fantastic!", she says enthusiastically.

"Not really…", you say, embarrassed at your attire. "Please, come on in…".

You feel nervous. You only met Abby's mom once at County.

"Mrs Wyczenski…".

She interrupts you, waving her hand in the air, "Oh, please! Don't be silly! Call me Maggie!".

You smile and nod "Maggie… I'm really surprised to see you here, Abby didn't mention you were coming…".

"Didn't she? I told her last week!", she chirps as she rummages through various bags.

You look at her, confused. How could Abby forget to tell you this?

"I want to meet my grandchildren!", she says clapping her hands together.

You nod and smile "Of course… They're asleep but follow me…".

"The house looks really good, dear!".

"Thank you! Yeah, it was love at first sight…".

"Oh my god!", she whispers when you enter their room. "They're little angels, Susan! So precious!", she smiles in awe, hovering over their cribs.

Maggie insists on helping you. It's actually good to have some help, she says she's going to cook dinner as you feed them. You agree and decide to call Abby.

"Hey…".

"Hey, everything alright? We're kind of backed up…", she says quickly.

"Huh, yeah. Your mom is here…", you gauge.

"What?!".

"Huh, she said you knew she was coming…", you reply, confused.

"I certainly didn't!! What is she doing there? Is she alright? How is she acting?".

"Calm down, she's okay, just excited to meet her grandchildren…", you say softly.

"What do you mean excited?! Does she seem manic? You know, flighty and walking around the house frantically?", Abby asks, concern in her voice.

"Hey, hey! It's ok! She's fine! We're all fine…".

"Huh, I'm gonna ask Neela to cover the rest of my shift… I'll be right there".

An hour later, Abby arrives. Looks way too anxious.

"Where is she?", she asks as she hangs her coat.

"Abby… Calm down, she's cooking us dinner. She's okay", you say, stroking her arm.

She nods at you and rolls her eyes. "The kids?".

"Sleeping…", you smile.

She nods and goes to the kitchen. You follow her.

"Maggie?".

Her mother turns around, smiling "Abby!".

They hug and Abby asks her abruptly "What are you doing here?".

"I wanted to meet the babies! They're adorable, Abby!", she smiles.

"You could have told me first…"

"I told you when we spoke last week!"

"You told me you'd _like_ to visit…".

Maggie sighs and throws her arms in the air "If that's such a problem for you, I can leave right now!".

"Mom, that's not what I meant… But I don't live alone anymore, you can't just show up at my door…".

Maggie nods "You're right. I'm sorry…".

You shake your head "It's ok, we're happy to have you here!", you smile.

Abby rubs her head, but nods. "So how's Eric?".

---

One evening, Abby wakes you with kisses. You realize you nodded off on the couch, watching TV.

Maggie said she would look after them, while you relaxed a little. She's being very helpful.

"You just got home?", you ask sleepily, stroking her face.

She nods and kisses your lips softly "Are they asleep?".

You nod "Your mom's looking after them, upstairs…".

"Good…", she says with a sly smile, her hand stroking your waist.

You pull her to you, parting your legs to have her closer to you.

"You smell like hospital…", you chuckle as she peppers your neck with teasing kisses.

"Jeez, I wonder why…", she whispers as her hands disappear under your shirt. You moan when she touches you, your breasts are now more sensitive, but she's always careful.

"Abby… your mom…", you try to reason, but can't help letting out a little whimper when she slips her hand inside your jeans.

She stops for a second to throw out her scrubs top, your hands creep up her torso, cup her breasts sexily "You just said she was upstairs…", she says before kissing you again.

"Maybe we should go to our room… Oh…", you moan when she caresses you down there.

"Do you really want me to stop?", she whispers in your ear.

You tighten your legs around her waist, pulling her closer to you "No…".

You both stop when the lights are switched on, Maggie's looking at you two with a cup of tea in her hand "Oh, I'm sorry!"

Abby sighs and tries to compose herself "Mom!!"

You cover yourself, try to put on your t-shirt again, feeling your cheeks burning.

"I was just going to get a cup of tea, you can continue!", she says, winking at you.

Abby's fuming, picks up her shirt from the floor.

"We were just… Huh, watching a movie", Abby says, embarrassed.

You three notice that the TV's on the news channel…

Her mother shakes her head and looks at you "Abby thinks I'm some kind of _dinosaur_! It's okay, sweetie, I'm glad you're having sex!".

You and Abby are appalled…

"I mean, sometimes after a baby, a woman's sex drive just disappears", she says, clicking her fingers.

"Mom!", Abby says between gritted teeth.

"Oh, stop _momming_ me! You don't have to be embarrassed, this is your house! I think it's nice that you two are so affectionate with each other! And it's not like I'm going to be shocked to see two women together, I watch that lesbian show, you know?".

"What show?", Abby asks startled.

"The 'L Word', I love it!".

You have to giggle at that. Abby just looks in disbelief as her mother disappears into the kitchen.

"Your mom is _so_ cool…", you laugh, stroking her knee.

Abby shoots you a look, but then a little smile escapes.

You pull her to your arms. "You're way _too_ tense… we should definitely take this to the bedroom…", you whisper in your most seductive tone…


	39. Troubles of the heart

**Chapter 39- Troubles of the heart**

---

Author's notes: Again, thanks for all the comments. This fic will be ending soon, this is the third to last chapter, but keep on reading, there's still plenty of stuff coming for our girls ;)

---

"Look who's here!", Luka smiles as you and Susan enter the ER with Audrey and Mark in tow. Everyone gathers around you, gushing over them.

Haleh takes your little boy in her arms "Look at this face! What an angel!".

"Of course he is, he has my genes!", Carter gloats, taking Audrey from Susan's arms "Say hello to daddy!", he whispers to her.

"They're _your_ kids?", Morris asks wide-eyed, looking at you, Susan and Carter.

Susan rolls her eyes at him, turns to Luka "So, how are things around here?".

"We've been following the protocols, no problems, so far. You looking forward to come back?", he smiles.

She chuckles "I kind of miss it, yeah!".

The twins have a routine check-up and Susan has a meeting with Weaver and Anspaugh.

When she goes upstairs with the babies and you motion to the lounge to change into your lab coat, Morris follows you.

"Was he serious?", he whispers out loud.

"What?", you frown.

"Carter. Is he really your kids father?".

You roll your eyes at him "Oh, Morris, please…".

"So… did you do it… all three of you?", he asks, excitement in his voice.

You purse your lips at him and turn around.

Then, before you reach the door, you turn around again.

"Yeah, we had sexy, hot three-way action…", you say, leaving him there wide-eyed and speechless.

---

"Where are the kids?", you ask her as you meet her in the lounge.

"Asleep. In the on-call room. With Lydia", she smiles.

"So how was your meeting?"", you ask, stretching your neck to each side.

She cracks a smile "I got the tenure position!".

"Are you serious?!"

She nods and you hug her tightly "I'm so proud of you …".

"This is so great, we'll be able to start a college fund for the kids, go on vacation…", she rambles on, all excited.

You clasp her hand "This requires a proper celebration, _Professor_ Lewis…", you smile.

"We can order Thai…"

"I was thinking about taking you out, but if that's what you want…", you shrug, smirking.

"No, let's go somewhere nice…", she beams.

---

"Hiding out?", you look up and see Susan's face popping inside the suture's room.

You let a little smile and rub your tired eyes "Nah, just doing paperwork…", you pat the chair next to you, she sits down.

"Ok, I'm in a middle of a dilemma, right now…", Susan sighs.

"What's going on?", you ask, removing an eyelash perched on her cheek with your fingertip.

"I have to pick the new chief resident…".

"And?", you shake your head slowly, unsure of what she means.

"_And_ my natural choice would be you. But I can't pick you because we're together!", she sighs out loud.

"Thank God for that, I don't wanna be chief resident!", you chuckle.

"Why not?", she asks back.

"Too much work. I just want to do my shifts and go home to my family at decent hours…", you smirk.

She smiles with her eyes, then plays with your pen "You're the best resident…".

"Do you really mean that or you're just saying because…", you look at her.

She interrupts you. "Of course I can't be totally objective about you". You nod. "But you're still a very talented, compassionate and reliable doctor".

"Just wanted you to know that you'd be my first choice…"

You feel all puffed up with pride and contentment "Thank you. Means a lot to me that you think of me like that…", you feel your cheeks reddening.

She traces one of them with her index finger "I think much more highly of you… and you know that, right?", she says in that sweet tone of hers.

---

You tiptoe into your room, undress slowly in the dark not to wake her. Tonight's shift was particularly rough: MVAs, gang fights and the usual late-night drunks. You lie on your back, sighing when you feel your muscles finally relaxing. Susan senses your presence, throws an arm around you, you snuggle closer and close your eyes.

There's a loud buzzing. Susan sits up, takes the monitor in her hand, realizes it's not that. She grabs hold of her pager, looks at the number.

"You on call?", you slur, too tired to form long sentences.

"No… Why the hell are they calling me? I'm on in a few hours…Did they page you?", she says, shaking your arm to regain your attention.

You shake your head and bury your head in the pillow.

"Jerry? It's me. Why did you page me? It's 6 in the morning!...", she listens and her sudden silence, makes you look at her. She looks anxious. Takes a deep breath "What happened? How did… Ok, yeah, I'll be right there…".

You support yourself on your elbow "What happened? You look… pale", you say, quietly.

"My father had an MI. He called 911 and… he's having angioplasty…Dubenko's with him", she mumbles.

"Oh, my god. I'm so sorry, Susan… Let's go!", you say, standing up.

"You just came home… go back to sleep. I'll be fine", she gives you a smile, but there so much sadness in her eyes. She and her father have been estranged for the past few months.

"Do you really think I'd let you go alone? I just need to take a shower…", you say, standing in front of her, making sure she looks at you.

"Thank you… I'll get the kids and their stuff, then…".

"Ok…", you cup her face "it's going to be okay… he's in good hands".

She looks so vulnerable, right now, between your palms. You give her a hug and she goes check on the babies.

Your eyes sting so much and you're worn out, but you're not letting her drive. On your way to County, Susan tries to reach her sister in New York.

"Chloe? Hey, it's me… Yeah, we're okay… Look, Chloe... Listen to me! Dad had a heart-attack, he's having surgery, right now. I… I don't know much, right now. Yeah, he's at County, I'm on my way… Abby's with me, yeah. The kids too, we're okay. Yeah, I'll call you when I know more, okay? Okay. Bye".

She sighs, you look at her. "You alright?".

She shakes her head, look at her hands "I just keep thinking if he dies…".

"Don't say that! MIs have good chances of recovery…", you encourage her.

"He has hypertension, high cholesterol, doesn't do sports… must have tissue damage…", she babbles, nervously.

You rest your hand on her leg "Hey! We don't know that!".

She nods and looks at the window "I can't help thinking… if something happens… he never even met the twins…". She's facing away, but you know she's crying.

When you get there, Carter's at the front desk instructing residents.

He approaches you "Hey, I just heard…", he says sympathetically.

"Could you take them to day care? I need to go upstairs…", Susan asks him.

"Of course! Go, go… Page me if you need anything, okay?", he says, looking at you both.

"Thanks Carter", you say, clutching his arm.

On the surgical floor, Susan calls the OR to have the updates. They tell her there was some complications, but he's out of the woods, now. She sits on one of the chairs, rests the back of her head against the wall, you do the same.

"You must be exhausted… I shouldn't have dragged you here…", she says, shifting her head a little.

"I'm okay… Just need a cup of coffee. Or two", you smirk.

Dubenko comes out the OR, waves at Susan.

They roll her father out, you go with her, but keep your distance.

"Hey dad, it's me, Susan… You had surgery, but you're okay… you're gonna be fine, daddy", she smiles.

He mumbles something back, but you can't understand. They take him to recovery and Dubenko gives Susan details, shows her the chart notes.

She makes some phone-calls, you mouth to her "I'm going to day-care… It's time for their bottles…".

---

Henry resisted, but Susan convinced him to stay with you until he is fully recovered. He's doing well, just tires easily.

He and Susan bicker all the time but she says it's their "baseline", so you're happy for them. He's only cordial to you, doesn't talk directly at you, unless it's necessary, but you can see he absolutely adores the babies.

"You have your mummy's beautiful eyes, haven't you, little girl?", he whispers at Audrey.

"She has…", you smile, while adjusting her little pants.

It's your day off and Susan's at County. You can't spend all day in silence.

"Henry, I…", you start but then go quiet…

He looks at you, none of you is comfortable with this.

"I know this is not what you wanted for Susan…".

"This what?", he says in a quiet tone to not disturb your little girl.

You try to find better words "Huh, me and Susan being together…".

He looks at you in the eyes "She's my little girl…".

You nod "I know… Huh…".

"She's such an amazing woman. And I can't take much credit for that. Me and Cookie… we weren't really there for her when she was growing up, you know? But she was always there for the three of us", he smiles, nostalgic.

You nod, just because you don't know what else to say. He keeps on cradling your daughter in his arms. Mark's asleep in his little chair besides you.

"And know she has her family. I've never seen her so happy. So you better take good care of my little girl, okay?", he smiles at you.

You feel a knot on your throat, you swallow it down "I will".


	40. The life you've always wanted

**Chapter 40- ****The life you've always wanted**

She keeps on doing compressions, panting and perspiring "One last round of epi!", she shouts.

Sam looks at you, you shake your head at the nurse. "Abby…", you call, firmly.

She looks around for a moment, then stops pressuring the chest. Gets rid of her gloves angrily, looks at the clock "Time of death: 5:22".

"What?!", she barks when she sees you looking at her.

"Could you excuse us?", you say to the others.

After they leave, you tell her "Don't talk to me like that in front of the others!".

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you're the boss…", she scoffs, irony filling her voice.

"You're damn right!". She looks surprised at your outburst, but then looks away.

"Do you have any idea of what this means?", you say, pointing at the dead body.

"Fire me!", she shoots, her mouth returning to a pout.

She can be really annoying when she wants…

You take a deep breath "This man died because you decided to discharge him…".

She interrupts you "You told me to clear the board!".

"He was unstable! I told you to admit him in Cardiology! You went behind my back and changed my orders on the chart!", you scream.

"You're accusing me of falsifying documents, now?", she glares at you.

You shake your head incredulously "I specifically told you to admit him upstairs, but you decided by yourself that he was okay to go home! You're a resident, you don't get to decide against the head of your department!".

She frowns her brows at you "I can't believe you're pulling rank bullshit on me".

You remain calm "You're an R4. I've been doing this for 15 years. Look, I'm trying to understand what went through your head… This can get ugly! I'm going to talk to Risk Management and…".

Her head shoots up "Risk Management?".

"That's procedure. And we have to be prepared if…".

"What's the worst case scenario?", she cuts you off, worried.

You look down and then face her. "You could lose your license. But I'm sure it won't happen…".

"Oh, fuck…"

"Hey, look at me. Go home, okay?", you say, clutching her arm.

---

Later at home, your children smile and call for you from they Play-Yard when they see you "Mommy!".

You kneel and open your arms, hugging them. They're getting so big. You notice Abby looking at you, smiling a little at their cheerful banter.

"Dinner time!", she says lifting Mark up. You follow her with Audrey in your arms, pulling your hair "Sweetie, don't do that to mummy…".

While you feed them, Abby asks "So… Any news?".

"We were unable to contact any living family member. Let's hope it stays like this…", you mumble while trying to get your daughter to open her mouth.

After you put them to sleep, you find Abby staring at the lounge's window.

You touch her shoulder lightly to gain her attention "You ok?".

She looks at you "I fucked up big time…".

You pat her waist "I apologize for screaming at you… I was worried…This is hard for me too. Here at home, we make decisions together and…".

"No, you were right. It wasn't my call. I rushed and I didn't look thoroughly at the EKG and didn't pay attention to his back pain… I killed him for being so stubborn", she says somberly.

"They found several aneurisms during the autopsy. He would've died in the next days…", you say matter-of-factly, stroking her back.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?", she smirks.

You smile back and then insist on what's been bugging you all afternoon "Abby, this kind of situation will happen every once in a while. We can't let work come in between us. At County, I have to treat you like any other resident…".

She nods "I know. I'm sorry. I don't know how you put up with me sometimes…", she shakes her head.

"Well, I love you very much. Maybe it's that", you smile.

Abby comes closer and rests her head on your shoulder, throws her arms around you, kisses your neck "I love you more".

---

One Sunday morning, you sense something crawling onto you.

"Happy _baday_, mommy!". You open your eyes, smiling at your little girl enthusiastic wake-up call.

"Thank you, pumpkin… you're up already?". She nods and nests herself on your chest, you throw the covers over you two, let your fingers comb her sandy hair.

You're about to fall asleep again, when you feel someone pulling at the covers. You smile at Mark, he gives you a handpicked bouquet and smiles.

"Aw, you picked them for me, sweetie?", you say, giving him a peck.

He nods "For mommy". Smiles proudly when you smile in appreciation.

You throw back the covers and he happily crawls onto the bed, latching onto you and Audrey. You kiss their heads and you thank God for blessing you with these two beautiful children.

A few minutes later, Abby comes in with a tray in her hands, places it on the nightstand.

"Who wants to watch cartoons?", she asks and laughs at how fast they jump out of bed. She lays a blanket on the floor, tells them to be good and puts some Disney DVD on.

Then, she lays the tray at the edge of your bed and comes close to you "Happy birthday, gorgeous".

You smile and kiss her lovingly "Thank you… Mmm, I'm hungry…", you smile, letting your eyes wander over the tray.

"There's toast, _croissants au chocolat_, bagels, fruit… What do you feel like?", she asks, handing you a cup of black coffee.

You close your eyes and inhale the smell of the fresh coffee "Huh, croissant sounds good…".

When you finish eating, she chuckles at you "You have chocolate… here…", she smiles, leaning to lick it off the corner of your lips.

She pulls back just slightly and gives you one very lustful look. With a hand on the back of her neck, you pull her, letting her fall on top of you and you kiss her, closing your legs around her waist.

You feel her chuckling, then kissing you back, pulling onto you.

"The kids…", she whispers when she pulls back.

"Yeah, I know…", you smile, caressing her cheek.

She leans her face onto your hand and smiles back, winking "Later…".

---

It's been too long since you treated yourself with a hot, relaxing bath. The twins are in bed and Abby's late so you opt for a well-deserved quality time moment.

In the bathtub, leaning your head on the border, you let all your muscles relax, closing your eyes, enjoying the warm water enveloping you…

When you open your eyes, you're surprised to see Abby leaned against the doorframe looking at you. You smile "How long have you been there?".

"A while… you're beautiful…", she mutters.

"Shut up and get in here…", you tease.

She smirks and starts undressing, her eyes always on you… Your eyes study her delicious figure, she slips in behind you, coming close until her thighs are hugging your hips.

Abby's hands rub your shoulders lightly, you throw your head back in response, enjoying the massage. She kisses your neck seductively. Her hands disappear under the water, she slides them up your sides, touches the undersides of your breasts, whispers in your ear "You're so soft… you feel so good…".

And you feel even better and she starts teasing your nipples with her fingers, nibbling at the curve of your neck, your shoulder… You lean your head back into her and she kisses you sort of upside down, her tongue rubbing your palate very slowly, while her hand slides down your stomach and stops there, teasing you again…

Your body burns in excitement and anticipation but she just keeps on playing with your breast while her other hand just touches the tip of your clit and slides up your stomach again…

"I want you…", you whisper between moans.

"You have me… forever…", she murmurs in your ear, then bites your earlobe at the same time as she cups your sex slowly, tantalizingly.

_Okay, so she wants you to beg… _

"I need your fingers inside me, baby… please…", you plead and are rewarded with an idle finger circling your entrance. You try to reposition yourself to get a better angle, she chuckles in your ear "You're so horny…".

"You do that to me…", you reply, panting, relishing when she slips two fingers inside you and rubs your walls at the right pace…

Abby keeps on kissing and nibbling at your neck, you lift a leg and hang it out of the tub to open yourself even more for her expert fingers. She thrusts deeper, but makes slower movements, not wanting to rush things.

But when her thumb rubs your clitoris, you can't stop jerking violently as the orgasm comes crashing onto you and your moans turn into cries of ecstasy and pleasure.

You can hear her chuckling behind you, trying to cover your mouth "Shush, don't wake them…".

Exhausted from the orgasm, you feel yourself slipping under water. She pulls you up, keeps her arms around you, you lay your head back on her chest, look at her upside down, smiling at you.

After you recover and you realize you're both getting prune-y, Abby stands up, you spend a moment looking at the water cascading off her body…

She breaks the moment "Oh shit, there's a pool out here…", she complains and you know she's about to go clean it so you sweep her quickly by the waist, into your room, throwing her to the bed.

"Payback time", you smirk, lowering yourself onto her, letting your lips meet.


	41. Epilogue

**Chapter 41- Epilogue**

---

Author's notes: There it is, the final chapter of this long-running story. You will notice it is longer than usual chapters, but I thought I was necessary to tie everything up.

I want to thank all my readers and reviewers but especially two people: my friend Jo, who planted this Suby idea in my head and my beautiful girlfriend who inspires me to write the fluffy _and_ smutty stuff, ah ah!

So, please read on and don't forget to tell me what you thought of the series finale ;)

---

Time _does_ fly by.

Yesterday you were changing their diapers, holding them as they took their first wobbling steps, cheering as they said their first words and now, here are you clapping proudly at your son by the sidelines.

You beam at the sight of Mark's team mates jumping onto him, embracing him and you whistle your appreciation as if this was a World Cup game and not a Sunday League soccer game…

At the end of the game, he flashes that smile he's inherited from his mother "Did you see my goal, mama?!".

You hug your boy tightly "I'm so proud of you, baby! You played so well!"

He throws his bag over one shoulder and talks with his friends as you approach your car. You smile at your son's dishevelled figure: the knee-length socks are rolled over his skinny calves, the t-shirt is all strained and that damp and messy hair.

_Boys will be boys_…

Your cell phone rings, you flip it open before opening the car door.

"Hey, where are you?", Susan chirps in your ear.

"Still at soccer academy. Our son was the star of the game…", you smile as you make sure Mark buckles his seatbelt.

"Really? Deserves a little treat, then! What do you say we all stop at _Bruno's_ for a sundae, in… 15 minutes?".

"Sure, we'll be right there!".

After you park your car, you tuck his shirt into his shorts, run your hand through your boy's hair "You need a haircut, lil' man…", you smile and try to stroke his blond locks into place. He shakes his head and starts running when he spots Susan and Audrey a few feet away from you.

"Mark! Slow down…", you call hopelessly.

Susan opens her arm and lifts him up, perching him on her hip. They're getting too heavy for you two.

"I'm so proud of you, champ!", Susan coos as she kisses his cheek and lets him down.

He smiles and grabs her arm excitedly "Can I have a mega-sundae, please mummy?".

"Me too, me too!", Audrey cries, clutching at her other arm.

She makes as if she's thinking and then nods and they both rush into the small diner.

"Hey missy, you're not gonna kiss mama hello?", you call out.

Audrey stops on her tracks and comes back to throw her arms around your neck. You kiss your little girl lips and she rushes back after her brother.

Susan places a hand on your lower back, pushing you gently into the door "If I could just have _half_ their energy…", she sighs.

"Coffee?", you ask, as Susan sits on one of the tables.

"Please!", she smiles and you motion for the counter. The twins are babbling on with one of the bartenders, picking flavors and toppings. Audrey's being all indecisive but ends up choosing whatever Mark did. You tell them to sit down "No running…", you say in a firmer voice.

They nod and you smile as you watch them going, hand in hand, until they reach your table. You get your coffees and place everything on a tray and chuckle at their excitement and greed.

Soon there's ice-cream all over your table as well as over Mark's soccer shirt and Susan's trying to wipe off chocolate from Audrey's linen skirt…

"So how was it at the hygienist?", you ask.

Susan rolls her eyes "Such a drama queen! I thought we'd have to restrain her…".

You chuckle and lay your face on your hands, gazing at these two over-energized creatures that changed your life completely. It's a cliché saying your life changes after motherhood, but it's so true.

Surprisingly, everything seems easier now. Your decisions are based on what's best for them and the rest is the rest.

---

"Your CT is clean, so we have to look for other possibilities…", you say while ordering new exams.

The girl sighs heavily "I'm fine…".

"Well, you've been having headaches for the past weeks, it's not normal for someone of your age, we have to check everything… How are things at school?", you ask.

"Ok. Look doctor, I'm fine! My mom's just being paranoid, that's all…", she sighs again.

You smile. "That's what mothers do. Problems with your boyfriend?".

She laughs and shakes her head "That would make things so much easier…", she mumbles.

"You know that everything you say stays between you and me, right?", you smile in encouragement.

She shakes her head and opens her mouth as if to speak, then decides against it. You look at her waiting for her to open up.

"I'm just… I'm tired, you know?"

You cock a brow "Tired of what?"

"I'm tired of… having to be normal…"

"You look pretty normal to me. What's going on?", you smirk a little.

"I have this friend, Emily… She's just so beautiful and cool, we were best friends and… I couldn't help it… I tried but…", she starts crying, you clutch at her arm, she continues "I fell for her and we even kissed and all… now she's dating this creep from the football team and she won't even talk to me…".

She sniffles, you hand her a Kleenex.

God. Every once in a while you get a case like this. You know what it's like to feel guilty for what you're feeling but you can't even imagine how it's like growing up feeling so restrained, scared, ashamed…

She takes a deep breath in, looks at you "I just wanted to be _normal_…"

"You are normal, there's nothing to be ashamed of…".

She cuts you off "That's easy for you to say!"

"Did you talk to your mother about this?", you ask cautiously.

She lets out an ironic laugh, shakes her head.

"She worries about you, Christie…"

"And she's also a die-hard Christian and a republican, too. I've always knew… since I was 10. I told her once that I liked girls and she threatened to send me to one of those ex-gay camps. I'm just waiting to be 18 and just leave home…", she replies while wiping her nose.

It breaks your heart when you hear stories like this. You don't know if it's unethical or something but…

"I know this is hard…", you start.

"You couldn't possibly know", she snaps back.

"What happened to you, it happened to me too… falling in love with your best friend. The difference is that I was much older than you are and, you know what, it was still very difficult for me. I fought against my own prejudice for a long time…", you confide.

She now looks interested "So what happened? Don't tell me she ditched you for a guy too?"

"We're together. We have a family together", you nod, smiling.

She smiles back "Thank you for sharing that… gives me hope, I guess…".

You scribble down on a piece of paper "Physically, there's nothing wrong with you so I can't do much but here's my number and I want you to call me if you feel you need to talk, or something, ok?", you say, giving her your number.

She nods at you, smiling "Thank you, Dr. Lockhart".

---

"Are we there yet?", Audrey asks eagerly.

"Almost there, sweetie…", Susan answers without looking up from her palm pilot.

"Can we have a puppy?", Mark asks from the backseat.

You look at him through the rear-view mirror "We'll see about that, okay sweetpie? It's a great responsibility. Who's gonna take care of it when we're not home?".

"Gillian has TWO!", says Audrey waving her hands in the air.

"Daddy has one!", Mark pouts.

"Daddy has a very big garden, honey. And a large staff to look after it…", Susan declares.

"What is staff?", your daughter asks, always curious about everything…

Susan turns back to look at them "It's the people that work there at daddy's".

"Harry, Alger, Barbara, Mary…", Mark says, sticking out his little fingers as he enumerates everyone…

"That's right", she smiles and turns to you "I just hope he doesn't overdo it…", she sighs.

"I mean, it was nice of him to offer the mansion for the party but…".

You interrupt her "We're talking about Carter here, _of course_ he's going to overdo it. He just can't help it!", you smile, shrugging your shoulders.

"Just got a text from Suzie, they're on their way. What about your mother and Eric?".

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. She called earlier. Carter's sending a car to pick them up at the airport…", you chuckle, shaking your head..

"Hope it's not the stretch limo…", she laughs.

"Maggie would love it…Audrey, sweetie, don't crumple up your dress…", you smile through the mirror.

Everyone showed up at the twins birthday party. So many familiar faces makes you wonder who's actually working at County… Not that you care. There's nothing like seeing them so happy and excited, playing with the farm animals, clowns, jugglers and magicians Carter hired…

"Mama! Mama! He has a _real_ rabbit inside his hat!!", Audrey comes running to you, shrieking in excitement. You kneel and kiss her cheek, she pulls at your hand "Come and see!".

"I'll be right there, princess…". She comes back running, sits right next to her brother.

These two are inseparable. It's like they have their own language, their own little world. They refuse to sleep in different rooms, play together all the time, even at school. Their teacher even suggested that they should take different activities so they would "blend and socialize more" with the other kids. You thought it was a load of bullshit, but Susan kept insisting that she had a point, you acquiesced and now Mark plays soccer and Audrey takes gymnastics classes.

"You ok?", you turn around and see Carter cradling his son, Nicholas, in his arms.

"Yeah... Thanks for all this, Carter", you smile.

He shakes his head, shrugging his shoulders.

"You spoil them! What about this puppy talk, now?", you chuckle.

"I don't know what you're talking about!", he says with a pseudo-angelic smile.

You stroke Nicholas chubby cheek, your fingers tracing his beautiful olive skin, then look up at his proud father "I really want to thank you, John. For everything you've done for us… Thank you".

The sad look he used to have in his eyes is now replaced by a shiny and glowing gaze, he smiles "Oh, come on Abby. We're family now. Now… Let me take this little one inside…", he whispers and you follow him with your eyes.

That laugh you could recognize miles away makes you look around until you spot your mother giggling hysterically, her hand on Susan's father chest "Oh, Harry!", she says in a flirty voice…

You approach them and grab her discreetly by the elbow "Mom, what are you doing?", you say between clenched teeth.

"What do you mean, sweetie? I'm just talking to Harry!", she smiles at him over your shoulder.

"Could you stop flirting with him? He's Susan's father in case you forgot!".

"Abby, I love you very much but you're narrow-minded just like your father! We're both single and at the zenith of our existence…".

You roll your eyes and give up, Henry doesn't seem to mind, anyway.

You look at all your friends and family enjoying themselves. Ray's playing his guitar next to the pool, Eric and Neela belt out an old Sonny & Cher song and Suzie's holding Audrey on her lap who claps along…

County's new Chief of Pediatrics ER, Doug Ross, is improvising teams for an impromptu ball game. Mark is there, always excited to be involved in some sports activity, as well as the Ross girls, Kate and Tess, Ella Greene, Henry Weaver, Malik and Jerry. Luka insists to play even though he still has no idea about the rules…

You approach the girls' corner, everyone's laughing as Chloe tells some story about Susan having a perm done in her youth.

"Why'd you do that?", Kerry asks, shaking her head in disbelief, sipping at her vodka.

"She wanted to be Coco, you know, from _Fame_!", Chloe chirps.

"It was the eighties, _everyone_ had permed hair!", Susan chuckles, shrugging her shoulders.

You curl an arm around her waist "I bet you looked good with the 'fro. No pictures, Chloe?", you joke.

"I burned them all", Susan deadpans and everyone laughs.

"You always want what you can't have, I always wanted straight hair!", Carol smiles and shakes her head, Elizabeth nods in agreement.

Kem puts in "Know that you mention it, I found some old pictures of John with a very bad perm, may I say…".

Everyone succumbs with laughter, even more when he approaches with that clueless face and asks "What's so funny?..."

You pull Susan to a quieter corner "Quite a party, huh?".

She smiles, runs a hand through her hair "I hadn't had this much fun in a long time… I'm a little tipsy, too…", she smirks.

"Well, don't get too drunk or I might take advantage of you later…", you purr and lean to kiss her lips, gently.

She smiles and you both stay a moment like that, touching foreheads and kissing until Morris comes crumpling up, stops when he sees you two "Oh man, this is hotter than 'Horny Lesbos 3'…".

"Morris, don't be a pig", you sigh.

He shakes his head slowly, then throws an arm around each of you, kisses your cheek "I love you, Abs!", then turns to Susan "And I love you, chief!".

You both observe him zigzagging his way to the core of the party, throwing his arm around Pratt and Jing-Mei and repeating his love statements much to everyone's amusement...

---

One summer morning, you oversleep for the first time in years. The house is so calm, Susan must've taken the kids somewhere…

In the bathroom, you wash your face and brush your teeth. You look closely at the fine lines that start to appear around your eyes. Despite of that, you don't look bad, you decide.

You go to the kitchen, reheat the coffee and read the paper while waiting for your toast. Only when you finish breakfast, you notice Susan's outside, stretched on one of the sunloungers you bought for the yard.

You spend a moment just looking at her, something you've not done in a long time. She's wearing an old summery dress she only wears around the house. You love it, it clings on the right places and when's she laying like that, reveals far more than it's supposed…

The phone rings, you motion to get it, but it stops ringing before you get it. You don't recognize the number on the screen, so you guess it was just someone calling the wrong number.

Arms slide around your waist, taking you by surprise "Hey…", she coos softly.

Her skin his hot from the sun, you're enjoying the feeling of her skin on yours "Where are the kids? It's so quiet…", you say, turning to face her.

"At Neela's. I decided to accept that babysitting offer…", she smiles idly.

"We're both off today…", you reply, a little nonplussed.

She nods then captures your lips with her mouth "Well, I woke up… saw you looking so cute right next to me… and decided that today I wanted you all to myself…".

"Oh… ok", you grin against her lips, Susan lowers her hands and cups your buttocks, backing you against the kitchen worktop, pressing her body against yours.

"What… here?", you chuckle, cocking a brow at her.

She lifts you and perches you on the counter, "Why not?" she smiles. While her mouth teases all the sensitive spots on your neck, your hands wander under her golden locks… Susan pushes your shirt up, until your breasts are at her disposal, she looks at you, cockily, before taking one of them between her lips.

A soft mew escapes from your throat, as she kneads and sucks at your breast lovingly, her other hand descending, stroking your stomach, stopping at the waist of your cotton bottoms.

After a few seconds struggling with the drawstring, you remove her hand and undo them yourself. Slowly.

Her eyes are heavy with passion, you smirk at her "Easy does it, babe…".

She remains silent, her eyes fixed on your lower body. You pull your panties down, lift your bum a little and let them puddle to the floor. Susan kicks them to the side and places herself between your legs, you close the distance between you two by throwing your legs around her waist.

Her fingers trail up your back, she cups the back of your neck and kisses you anxiously, her tongue stroking yours daringly.

When she pulls back, flushed and turned-on, she lets her fingers land on your lower abdomen, you arch your spine when she slips two of them into your wet folds "So ready for me…", she whispers, breathing a little faster than usual.

As quickly as you feel them slipping in, you feel them withdrawing. You groan at the sudden emptiness "Susan…".

She just smiles and lays her moist fingertips on your lips. Eyes locked with hers, you take her fingers on your mouth, sucking gently at first, tasting yourself on her… Then you suck harder until she moans and looks even more turned-on.

She replaces her fingers with her lips, her tongue ravishing you and her wet fingers entering you again, this time more vigorously, stroking you so passionately... Her other arm curls around you, pulling you to her fingers, you think you're going to melt in her arms, it feels so good…

A muffled cry of release escapes form your lips and you cling tightly to her, trying to catch your breath again, your cheek resting on the crook of her neck. After a few minutes of peaceful bliss, you take a deep breath in, drawing in her unique essence and press your lips on her neck. "Was a good idea…", you mumble against her skin.

She pulls back, looks at you quizzically "Huh?".

Your lips curl into an easy smile, your hands stroke her hair more or less into place "Letting Neela baby-sit".

"Oh…", she chuckles, nodding.

Upstairs, in your room, you draw letters on her back with your tongue. You love playing this game with her. She's can't keep focused much long and ends up losing most times. And then she has to do whatever you want and…

"That was definitely a C…", she chuckles and groans when you stop a moment to sink your teeth on her side.

You continue spelling it, she asks sceptically "Colostomy?...".

You let a chuckle out "Ew, why on earth would I spell _that_ on your back with my tongue? Focus!". You restart, this time on the small of her back, your tongue stroking the cute hollows she has there…

She muffles her moans on her pillow, then cries out in frustration "Ok, I give up!".

You slide up her body, making sure your nipples tickle her back, nibbling at the back of her neck "You suck at this…".

She chuckles low in her chest, then decides to share "Is that my cue?...". You can't help laughing out loud, this woman just cracks you up. "Sounds good too me…", you whisper in her ear.

Susan rolls on top of you, her hair falling into her face and tickling you as she sucks and nibbles at your neck, trailing all the way up, kissing your chin, your jaw line, twisting her tongue in your ear. Blindly, you reach for her breasts and relish on the feeling of their softness and weight on your palms, then you rub and pinch her nipples just a little, making her gasp in your ear…

She tells you to sit up against the headboard. Then decides the position isn't perfect and grabs a cushion, you sit on it. Susan parts your legs and dives into you. Her nose tickles your clit and you feel her tongue parting your labia, entering you softly. You have to grab the sturdy headboard not to lose it right away…

You look down and the sight of her tongue entering, tasting, teasing, loving you is just too much… Her hands try to immobilize your jerking hips, you opt for cupping the back of her neck, pulling her to you. She knows you're hot and close and wants to torture you just a little more… Your toes curl violently and, God, you have to scream or you're going to die…

The familiar wave of colorful heat pumps through your body and you're afraid you might collapse. When you recover, she's still there, nibbling carefully at your over-sensitized clitoris, kissing you, sucking gently then more aggressively and it comes back again and again, excruciatingly, almost painfully stronger…

You open your eyes and regain full consciousness, she's right next to you, smiles "Multiples, huh?".

"You want to kill me…", you chuckle, spent but at the same time refreshed.

"Me? Nah. Not my fault you taste so damn good…", she teases and plants a kiss on your lips, before returning to her previous position. Her fingers stroke your ribcage softly.

When you're recovered, you pat her hair "What about you? What do you need?".

She edges herself on her left elbow, smiles "Oh, I'm fine… Listening to you screaming my name at the top of your lungs got me goin'…".

Your cheeks blush, you roll your eyes "I did not scream…".

She comes closer, whispers huskily "You sure did. And it's been a while since I last heard you screaming like that… Pretty hot…".

"Gotta enjoy the empty house…", you smile lazily. Then, when she's not looking, you roll you both and straddle her, purse your lips while you think about what you're going to do with her…

"Abby…", she calls you out of fantasy land.

"Yeah?", you question your sexy hostage…

"Fuck me, will you?".

_I love this woman. _

You smirk at her and make her part her legs, placing one leg between them. They clamp around your thigh and you feel how badly she wants you. Her eyes roll in pleasure as she rubs herself against you and she pleads you "I need your fingers… now…".

A knot forms in your throat when you see the desire in her eyes, her voice… When you touch her she's so damp it's almost unbelievable, your fingers slide in without any resistance and you eyes marvel at her body arching, breasts rising dramatically to your viewing pleasure…

You try not to go too fast, despite her protests, you want this to last… She feels so soft and warm, you find a little ripple inside her and stroke it. "Ooh…", she convulses in front of you and opens her eyes "More…", she says before her breathing goes absurdly heavy.

"You sure?", you ask, even though you know the answer.

She looks at you manically and curls her leg around your waist, pushing your fingers deeper into her. So you try to bunch your fingers together and they slide in surprisingly easily.

She looks flushed and her skin's glistering with sweat. Her hands grip angrily at the bed sheets and she lifts her hips, impaling herself even more on your wrist and you've never seen anything so fucking beautiful in your life...

Suddenly, a hoarse cry escapes from her throat and she succumbs on the bed, worn out and glowing.

You spend the rest of the afternoon, spooning lazily, sharing slow, caressing kisses until she reminds you that Neela will drop the kids at six.

You're fresh from the shower when Neela brings them home. Susan's in the kitchen preparing dinner and asks you to answer the door.

They throw themselves at your neck at the same time and you almost fall down all three of you, you ask them how their day was and they babble on happily.

"I touched the baby chimp, mama!", Audrey says excitedly.

You kiss you daughter's smooth hair and look up at Neela chuckling at their excitement and happiness. Mark runs to the kitchen to show Susan a picture they took at the Zoo and Audrey follows him.

You kneel up and eye Neela "So, survived a day with the Dynamic Duo?", you smile, gesturing her to sit on the couch.

She chuckles, waving a hand in the hair "Piece of cake. They're amazing kids! We had a ball!".

You release your hair from the collar of your shirt "Well, thanks, it was nice to have a whole day to…".

Neela narrows her eyes at you "Oh, my God! Are those _lovebites_?", she says pointing at your neck.

"Huh, what?".

She leans and pulls down your collar, then chuckles "Blimey! I'm not gonna ask what you did all day!", she laughs with gusto.

"You have hematomas all over your neck! Aren't you on tomorrow?", she manages to ask between her laughs.

"From 7 to 7, yeah…", you reply somewhat embarrassed.

"Turtleneck day, then!", she declares still looking at your neck, intrigued.

"In the middle of summer? Don't think so…", you answer.

"Abby… It's _obscene_! Looks like you had a date with Count Dracula or something!", she giggles.

You roll your eyes at her "I'm sure people know she have sex like everyone else…".

She shakes her head "You _have_ to do something about that… Besides it's _rude_ to flaunt it like that…".

You both chuckle and you lean back on the couch "Oh, someone needs to get laid…".

"Haven't had any in _ages_, it's not even funny!", she laughs then stammers a little "Huh, hi, Susan!".

Susan appears from the kitchen, looks at you both "Hi Neela. Thank you so much for today, we really needed some time to just relax. They loved the Zoo trip!".

Neela looks at you mischievously then smiles "Sure, my pleasure. Was fun!".

"Hope you're staying for dinner?"

"Oh, I'd love to!", she accepts.

"_Mummy, it's burning_!" Audrey cries out.

"Oh, shit!", Susan rushes back into the kitchen in a hurry.

"'_We really needed some time to relax_'", Neela smirks and mimics her voice.

You shake your head and throw her one of the cushions.

---

Persistent rays of light taunt you until you're completely awake and can't fall back asleep. You don't move, just lay there warm and comfy, legs enlaced with Susan's, you two cocooned under the comforter.

You find yourself smiling at the peacefully sleeping woman right next to you. Just being with her like this makes your stomach twirl… You're so, so lucky. Who would have thought a random night of sex with your best friend you'd end up like this?

What if you had never slept with her? You'd probably be ruining relationship after relationship, feeling miserable and sorry for yourself. Come to think of it, Susan's the first person you've been with that isn't broken or hurt. She's like a source of light or a shiny rainbow. And she's gentle, loving, trustworthy, smart, fun. Sexy.

In a perfect world, Susan would be your Prince Charming with the horse and all. But world isn't perfect, you're not perfect. And despite everything, you and her are perfect for each other.

If someone had told you you'd end up with a woman and having kids and the whole lot, you would've laughed. You laugh now because that was the best thing that could have happened to you. She never tried to change you, but being with her changed you.

You're so much stronger now. Before, you'd be terrified to end up alone because they always left you anyway. You used to think that you'd protect yourself if you didn't show them how you felt, your insecurities.

With her you find yourself saying exactly what you're thinking, telling her how you feel and it's so wonderful to be able to love someone and do it completely unguarded, without fearing that they'll leave you… You can't, obviously, see the future but you see her in yours and you know she feels the same. You know she'll never do anything to hurt you and living with that kind of certainty is unbelievingly powerful.

It makes you laugh when you think of how scared you were of people's reactions. In all these years together, you can say most people were supportive. A few forgettable episodes but that's it.

You used to worry about Mark and Audrey growing up with two mothers but it was never a problem for them. You're 'Mama', Susan's 'Mummy' and they know Carter is 'Daddy'. It's important for them to have a strong male figure and Carter just loves them as much as they love him and their half-brothers.

They asked you a few questions after they heard some comments at school but it was never an issue. You explained them that families are different, that some kids have a mother and a father, others two mummies, or just a father. You had this whole speech prepared but they just nodded and asked you if they could have marshmallows for dinner…

They're amazing kids, having them was the best decision you ever made. They're loving and caring, stick for each other no matter what. They're growing up fast and you sometimes have to restrain yourself from being too pushy and controlling but Susan's easy nature balances everything out.

Susan.

She runs a hand through her hair, sighs still half-asleep. The ring on her left hand shines, reflecting the sunlight that peeks through the curtains and you know your eyes are shining too. This giddiness, the butterflies in your stomach, the warm pleasure of being with _the _person… Like when you're falling for someone. You feel them all over again.

She flutters her pale eyelids, focuses those beautiful green eyes on you and you feel your chest burning in cosy satisfaction.

"Morning…", she mumbles sleepily, stretching her limbs under the covers.

You smile and lean, answering with a languid kiss.

You two work because you accept each other's faults and annoying habits and love each other despite of them. She knows you're bull-headed and you know she says things she doesn't mean when she's angry. You're a control-freak and she's not afraid to point it out. You gave up trying organizing her drawers, she likes her chaos. She doesn't interrupt you when you're reading and you don't disrupt her when she's doing her yoga-thing...

Simple, huh?

And maybe it _is_ supposed to be like that. Maybe falling over and over again for the same person is what real love means.

Maybe it is feeling tears of joy creeping up when she snuggles into you, her lips brushing your neck ever so lightly and you take her hand and place it over you heart.

She feels it beating faster, looks up at you and then lays a kiss right there.

And you know life can't possibly get any better.

---

The End

---


End file.
